Jey (00:08.288)
I know our live in-studio audience is absolutely amazing. Welcome to another episode of the Young Dad Podcast. I'm your host Jay and I'm super excited to be here with you today because I'm joined by my friend Jay. Try not to get confused as to which Jay is which Jay, but the Jay joining me today is the founder, the mind, the all the above behind the Zen Dad Method.
The Zen Dad Method works with fathers to create a life based around intentional parenting. I'm super excited to have Jayon to talk more about the Zen Dad Method, what it is, and how you guys can learn more. So Jay, welcome. Go ahead and tell us a little bit about yourself, about the Zen Dad Method, and anything you want us to know about your life and your story.
Jay Kalryzian (00:55.534)
Well, that's huge. Well, thank you so much for having me on the show first, Jay. It's an honor to be here. I know you're a very intentional dad. You love being a dad, so it's great to have some dad chats with you. What is the Zen Dad Method? The Zen Dad Method is, it's all about creating a life that you want as a father. And all we do is help guide you through that to figure out what your priorities are, how to implement things.
so that you're actually living the life that you wanna live. And I mean, if you look at it, there's coaches in business, there's coaches in sports, there's coaches, there's life coaches, there's all sorts of coaches. And we found that dads don't really have something to fall back on. So there was definitely a need for it. And so we created it. And now we're helping dads with countless issues, countless, countless issues. I mean, dads have all the stress and the world on their shoulders constantly. So.
who do you turn to and say, hey, I've got this specific problem, I need a sounding board, I need somebody to bounce these ideas off with, I've got this really unique problem that I don't know who to go with, and that's where we help support dads with that. So yeah, it's kind of what we do in a nutshell.
Jey (02:11.256)
I love that. So you became a parent about nine years ago or a dad about nine years ago. Take us through what that journey has been like for you over the last nine years from that first moment when you found out you were going to be a dad to present day.
Jay Kalryzian (02:25.014)
Well, we were planning to have a kid. We tried, we were in the process of doing it. So I was really intentional right off the bat. I knew that fatherhood was gonna change me. So I wanted to get right into the role. Within the first year of us having our first child, I became a stay at home dad. So that was a really big one for me. My partner wanted to continue with her career and it was really hard for her to keep up with the baby and I've got a lot of energy.
And I was like, well, let's switch. And she's like, game on, let's do this. And we didn't really think about it a whole lot. And then like six months after, I'm like losing my mind because it's really hard to be a stay at home parent. And I figured it out. I was like, I'm gonna tough it through. And my partner did really good in her career. And I loved it. I was the stay at home dad for seven years. So we had a second son. So I've got two boys. They're now nine and five.
And I love it. I still love it. We separated, me and my partner separated a couple of years ago, and I wanted to know what's, like what was I gonna do with my life now? You know, I wasn't a stay at home dad anymore. I had to get back into the workforce. And I had a coach actually, I was working with a coach at the time, and he said, well, if you could do anything, if you could do anything, what would it be? And that was kind of what started the whole Zen Dad method. Just all the things that I went through as a stay at home dad.
and I didn't have the resources. Everything was based towards moms. Everything was really like for mompreneurs or like mom groups. And I was like, well, I think there's a real need for working with dads and helping them. And I've learned so much through my last 10 years of being a father and all the things that come along with it. It was like, let's create something. So I actually worked with my coach to create this. He's the head coach of the Zen Dad Method now. His name's Roger Ruge. He is...
phenomenal world-class coach. He's worked with military, first responders, police, you name it, he's been doing it for almost 30 years on a one-to-one resilience level, bringing mindfulness to first responders. And what we've created is just absolutely phenomenal. So it's been changing lives, he's been doing it for decades. I've been helping him for, well, we've been working together for almost three years now. Wow, that's crazy to think about that.
Jay Kalryzian (04:52.502)
But yeah, it's been a story, it's been a journey for sure.
Jey (04:56.464)
That's awesome. So how did that, so when you and your now ex-wife separated at the time, what did that, how did that change like your parenting, parenting style, interacting with your kids? Like what was, what were some of those changes that brought along? Because I know for me personally, like when that happened, like my life was like, you know, like I wish I had a glass shattering like sound effect because you know in cartoons,
Jay Kalryzian (05:22.978)
It just exploded, yeah.
Jey (05:23.412)
Yeah, when the glass shatters, it just explodes. And it's crazy because when mine happened, I'm about three years removed from it now this year. And at first, it was a mess. My health went to crap. I was, at the time, I think I told this story previously on podcast, but at the time I was about two thirds, I'm six feet tall. Yes, I'm actually six feet tall, not five, 11, three quarters, I'm actually six feet tall. I'm a little bit over.
I was about 235, 238. I was the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Like I was so unhealthy, pushing an XL shirt. Like I know the camera adds 20 pounds, so that's why my face looks so big on the screen, but I was super unhealthy. Like I just had terrible habits. I wasn't really exercising. I wasn't really supplementing anything. I was just super unhealthy.
Jay Kalryzian (06:00.481)
Yeah.
Jey (06:20.952)
So then after my divorce happened, separation that led to my divorce, I had lost probably in about six months. I dropped from 230 down to 170 something. Like I dropped so much weight super quick and it wasn't healthy. I kept getting complimented at like work like, well, you look so good. You're looking so much better. You look so much healthier, except for the people who like really understood what was going on like behind the scenes. Like there were certain people that were like, you look exhausted. Like what you're going through.
Jay Kalryzian (06:32.331)
Yeah.
Jey (06:49.32)
Like I see it on your face. I had big old bags under my eyes. Like my bags probably went down like by the, by the edges of my nose. I was supplementing caffeine all the time. It was insane. I was crying a lot. I was barely eating. I was just tired and I was depressed, anxious, all the things, all the bad thoughts, negative. I was angry. Every, everyone I would lash out on.
Jay Kalryzian (06:57.451)
It's hard.
Jey (07:17.904)
No one wanted to be near me because I would likely lash out on them for pretty much no reason. It was just rough. I'm just, I'm very lucky and very fortunate that even though addiction runs in my family through my biological mother, that I didn't step into that world. Very lucky because that would have caught me hardcore. And so for me, it was just the opposite effect.
Granted it led to that set me down a path of you know going to a doctor talking about my health Doing an extra checkup that eat that same year Him noticing it kind of waking me up a bit to get some things together and then set me on the path, but everything kind of took a break my schooling took a break my Blog that was just getting going and one of my YouTube channels and a podcast was just growing and then that how they take a
two year break from that, because I just didn't have the energy or motivation to create. It took a lot to get back into it. So yeah.
Jay Kalryzian (08:18.199)
Yeah.
Jay Kalryzian (08:25.022)
Well, like honestly, this is, this is, thank you so much for sharing that. That's very vulnerable and transparent of you. I've heard the story and this is the thing, when guys separate from their mother of their children, it's hard, it's super hard on them. For me, it was crushing and it sounds like for you the same thing, right? That glass shattering, that,
Oh, my whole world just broke apart and it's pieces and I don't know how to put it together. And what do you do? You know, and for me, honestly, when we did separate, it was because of drugs. And me and my partner got into this and she dove right into the world of drugs and it was therapeutic trips and she had all this research done about it and it got real messy real fast.
And when you're involving small kids and drug habits and all sorts of stuff, it just, it tears families apart. And it doesn't matter. I know a lot of people that think they're smarter than drugs and it's like, you're not gonna beat it. You know, you're not gonna be able to infuse this into your life and manage it. And I've just seen it crush families and it crushed ours. And knowing that now and going through it and looking back, I'm like, wow, yeah, that was hard.
It was so hard and I'm super, I'm honored to be able to have worked with the people that I'm now working with and having them help guide other people through because I know how challenging it is. It was a point in my life where, it was when I was contemplating suicide, you know? It was, you're just so low. You can't sleep. You're not doing anything. And for me, my whole life shifted so much and I had to get off of drugs. I wasn't,
I couldn't do anything. I wasn't working. I had to find a job, had to make money. I had to do all of these things, manage them all, figure out that separation, figure out how to parent my children still. I'm still the primary custody parent. I'm the primary caregiver of these two small kids. And I had just, the whole world came steamrolling at me as fast as it possibly could. And I couldn't pivot fast enough.
Jay Kalryzian (10:45.482)
And what do you do? And it was just like, you gotta slow down and just really prioritize what matters most to you and get your life as stable as possible. And every day, just take that one step at a time, one step at a time, one step at a time. Looking back two years now, two and a half years, it seems like I climbed an impossible mountain. And I could have been easily just ripped apart, lost everything.
but it was having that support, having people there that you can count on and know what to do. Because I went to everybody, what do I do with this situation? What do I do with this situation? And nobody knew. And your friends, they're always like, well, let's go have a drink. Let's drink it away. Doesn't do it. It just, I needed solutions. I needed actual things that I could do that were helping me pivot and make these decisions.
Jey (11:28.424)
Yeah.
Jay Kalryzian (11:39.946)
so that I could create a life for my kids, for myself, that I was proud of, that we were thriving in, that we weren't just surviving through, but like how do we change that whole paradigm shift and actually thrive in life again and be happy again? Because my kids were sad. I was sad, I was depressed. And how do you parent when you just like, you don't wanna get out of bed in the morning? It's hard. So putting those tools in place and having somebody guide me through that.
It was a lifesaver. It was a literally, it was literally saving my life through that whole situation.
Jey (12:16.904)
100%. And I think that's where I feel like I was honestly really blessed was my brother Aaron had come in to my life. So we were raised separate. I've told this story before, but we were raised separate. He was raised by his fraternal grandparents. I was raised by our maternal grandparents. And then we didn't really grow up together. We didn't really talk. We knew about each other. Like I remember going through school saying, oh, I have a brother I never met.
I have these siblings and whatnot from my dad, he's from my mom and all this fun stuff. And then we probably started talking to less than a year before I got divorced. Really getting to know each other, mingling, hanging out, playing games together and all that fun stuff, less than a year. So when the first big event before my divorce happened, happened in August of 2020,
Jey (13:15.52)
before my youngest daughter was born, I remember telling him and he was so new to my life and everything. So I'm pretty sure we started talking and everything in 2020. He was so new to my life that I felt bad going to him, but I had nobody else because I had no support system here outside of work. I had no family. All my family's on the west side of the state. And so I had him, that was it. He helped get me through that. And then, you know, for eight months later,
everything happens and completely blows up and goes out of proportion and now we're here where we are. But it was less than a year he was in my life so I was very grateful I had him but I didn't have any other support system outside of work. I would have people who reached out to me that had heard through the grapevine one way or another and people put things together like when you post on social media and you change your relationship status, you both change your profile pictures to not include the other.
and it's just you and the kids. Like people pick up on that stuff. Like I picked up on it. A family member of mine, she posted just her and her dog. It was like, oh, well, I guess that wedding's off. Kind of thing. Not to like make fun of her, just anything, just to try to bring some humor to the situation. But, you know, I was very lucky that I had my brother and I was very lucky that I had my job to just...
Jay Kalryzian (14:15.714)
Yep. Yeah. Yes.
Jay Kalryzian (14:33.206)
Yeah.
Jey (14:42.176)
distract me and then I had baseball season right after that which was really nice to have because I had another just big distraction But no it was really hard and it you know, you mentioned your thoughts of suicide depression the sadness it's And if as far as I know you were in your 40s when it happened, right?
Jay Kalryzian (15:06.398)
Yeah, yeah, I'm 45 now. I had kids a little bit later in life. I have a pretty wild past. And I was like, there's no way kids kind of fit into that lifestyle. And when I was like, okay, we're gonna have kids, I knew I had to shift and pivot. So I just kind of got it all out of my system. I really did.
Jey (15:08.406)
Okay.
Jey (15:25.8)
Makes sense. And I just want to confirm that because it goes to not prove the statistic right. So you're not a part of that statistic. But usually men in their 40s are the highest at-risk population for suicide, especially Caucasian men. Caucasian men in their 40s are the highest at-risk population for suicide and have the highest suicide rates in North America.
Jay Kalryzian (15:51.914)
pressure is immense.
Jey (15:56.176)
And it's nor- you're right, it is men in general too. In America at least, it's a four to one ratio. I'm pretty sure Canada is also right there as well, around three to one or four to one men to every one woman. I'd have to look it up. I haven't looked up in a while. I just know America's for sure. If you didn't know Jason Canada, that's why his O's sound weird when he talks, but I'm just playing.
Jay Kalryzian (16:20.628)
No dude about it, eh?
Jey (16:24.028)
But no, it's a devastating time. Like mine, I don't really talk about mine because I don't want to bash or bring any of that to light on the podcast about my ex-wife or anything. But yeah, it was a really hard and dark time. And when you separate from your kid's mom, the mother of your children, there's always a part of you that just feels like it's gone.
and that it's crushing, it's soul crushing, because that's like the person you imagine the next 18 plus years with your kids, doing all the things with, doing all these different things with. And it takes a lot of mindset shifting. It takes a lot of, I don't even know how to say it, or how to describe it, but it just takes a lot to shift that, to change that, definitely.
Jay Kalryzian (16:53.41)
gone.
Jay Kalryzian (17:21.578)
Yeah.
Jey (17:23.296)
Circumstances can help kind of change that and whatnot based on what happened, what happened, or how it happened. But it's really hard to change that. And it's, the hardest thing for me was after the separation was this new found silence and all this time, because I have my kids half the time, I'm the custodial parent according to the court paperwork and everything, because I got out in front of it. But.
Yeah, that silence, it was drowning. I was drowning in this new silence.
Jay Kalryzian (17:59.486)
Yeah, yeah, I totally understand that. Yeah, especially when they're gone. Like when my kids go two nights a week, they go to their mother's house. And for the first, oh, I don't know, three months, I couldn't even stay in the house. I was gone. I was just gone, because it was just too weird to me to have such a silent house. And now I love it. Now I'm like, oh, I get peace and quiet for a night. You know, I get to clean the house.
Jey (18:23.601)
Yes.
Jay Kalryzian (18:28.09)
I live like an adult again. But it's that transition period of changing from, you know, that family unit and having that separation as a man, you feel like you failed. You just feel like, oh, I didn't pull it off. I didn't create this family that we planned on having. We didn't grow old together. We didn't raise these kids together. That was the idea. And when that happens,
And as a guy, you just like, you don't want to tell anyone because you feel shame about it. You feel like it's, your whole world crumbled down. You didn't manage it. And all those guys in their 40s, the statistics you were talking about, like that time of your life, when you're in your 40s, you're usually a manager of your job, your business. You're in a more responsible filled position in life.
You've got the pressures of home life. You've got the pressures of your kids. You've got the pressures of like the world. And everything's kind of aimed at that demographic of men. Okay, it's your responsibility. You have to be able to handle all of this stuff. Like if you're a man, you can handle everything that we throw at you. Well, it just so happens that right now, throwing everything at men is just crushing them. The responsibilities, the everything that...
they have to manage throughout the day and the expectations on men are through the roof and it's crushing men. They don't know how to deal with it. They don't know how to process it. They don't have any support systems in place to get them through that stuff. And so that's where we thought, hey, this is the opportunity to help those guys find somebody to find the coaching, to find the help, the support. Here are the tools that we're using that are working. And we've taken these tools from
I'm the head of the parenting group for the Flow Research Collective with Steven Kotler. There's over 8,000 members that are just looking for peak performance. And what are the tools that they use? I've trained with Wim Hof. I've been to Spain. I've climbed the mountains with them. I've done the ice baths. I'm a breathwork facilitator. We've pretty much scoured the whole planet looking for the best ways to change state, to put yourself mentally where you want to be.
Jay Kalryzian (20:47.342)
to deal with stress, all of these things, and we've packaged them all into a program that helps guys deal with these extremely high levels of stress so that they can actually enjoy their fucking lives. You know, it's not just about struggling every day and sacrificing everything that you are so that your family can eat. You know, that's not what life is supposed to be like. How do we actually enjoy it?
as fathers, how do we enjoy the time with our kids? How do we have time for our kids so that we can enjoy it? We're just getting steamrolled, literally, by life's responsibilities. And it's not supposed to be that way. I don't think we're supposed to just get into the machine and be a cog in the wheel to make capitalism work and to give all of my time and all of my effort over to a corporation that...
will easily fire me when they have to downsize. That's not the world I wanna live in, and it's not the world I want my kids to live in. So how do we create that model now, and how do we shift that and make generational changes for our kids so that they don't have to grow up in a world where they're just getting crushed by life?
Jey (22:01.928)
100% and that's, you know, that's the, well, just to kind of recap, going back to the beginning of that, you know, it's, I'm the same now, three years later, where I'm like, oh my gosh, thank goodness my week's over because I can tell that you're tired of being here and you definitely it's time for you to go to your mom's, you're over being here kind of thing. And then
Now it's appreciated, now I have a life, now things have moved on. But overall, you know, there at the end what you were saying, like, it's start, I don't even know where to start with that because there are so many things you can do. Your life isn't supposed to be dictated by work. Your life should be dictated by family and by your kids and or whatever set of priorities you put it in. Of course,
priorities are going to be linear, they're not going to be linear. They're going to be more fluid, they're going to change depending on where you're at, what you're doing and how you're doing it, why you're doing it. But it makes more sense that change has to start with us setting that example and modeling that behavior. Start with all the fathers around because if your kid just sees, oh dad just went to work.
he worked hard, he provided for our family, but I never got time with him, then that kid is going to take that example and going to do the same thing because that's all they know. They know, oh, I just need to go to work and provide for my family and do the thing. I just want to make sure to say just do the thing. But just doing the things is part of the problem, not setting those healthy work-life boundaries, that balance, saying, oh, well,
You know, I work these eight, 10 hours, and that's what I work. I work these eight, 10 hours. That's it. Everything else stays here. It stays at work. Tomorrow exists. I'm not at risk of losing my job. Tomorrow exists. I need to break those narratives within myself. I think it comes down to more like inward reflecting kind of like I talked a lot about or I've talked a lot about previously with the whole well-balanced dad diet idea that I created.
Jey (24:27.973)
About a year ago now that it starts with that self-reflection of why? Why am I not spending more time with my kids? Why am I reacting a certain way? Why am I doing this a certain way? Why do I not have feel like I have enough time? Why am I not making the time? Why am I not doing this? Why am I doing this? Why am I not this that and the other it all starts with that? Why? finding that why and that purpose from within and understanding
why you're making all these actions or doing all these actions and making all these choices. Why am I getting angry at my kid for this? Okay, I'm getting angry for this reason. Okay, why do I feel like I need to get angry for that reason? Well, because of this reason. Okay, why about that? And really kind of root cause analyzing yourself, root cause analyzing. Okay, why don't I have any time to give to my kids? Well, probably because I'm working. Why haven't I set boundaries with my job so I can spend more time with my family? Why haven't I used that time off I have?
that's my time off I can use it as I want all because I get guilt trip well maybe why haven't I stood up stood up for myself yet and advocated because I feel like I can't or maybe I don't know how okay why haven't I learned how to advocate for myself well because I'm a man we're told to shut up and do the thing okay well and so it just it goes deeper you got to go deep and you got to find that why and push that narrative with yourself like okay well why am I not
Jay Kalryzian (25:37.45)
Yeah, that's really good.
Jey (25:49.3)
I have 24 hours in a day and you can go into the whole gym bro. It's like we all go out to the same 24 hours bro. God makes the most of it. The whole gym bro method, which isn't effective for anyone. But you know, it's like, okay, well, maybe that is gonna require me changing my shift. So I can go in at six and get off at three. And then I can go and pick the kids up from school and help at home. Maybe that's why my marriage is failing. Maybe that's why this thing isn't going well. Maybe I need to.
talk and advocate and be a little bit more transparent and vulnerable with my employer saying, hey, things at home are really struggling. That's really matters. That's where my values are. And I need to change my shifts so I can be home more. So I can do the things with my kids, with my family that matter. Because this job is just a job. It pays my bills, it's great. But things at home matter too. And being that transparent, having that honest conversation, I think is where a lot of that kind of starts.
Jay Kalryzian (26:45.13)
100%, I agree with you. You know, I think about it like this. I talk to a lot of dads about what they're doing and they just feel like they're just going faster and faster and faster. And the problem with that is, yeah, we can be more efficient and we can go faster and we can do more things, but if you're pointed in the wrong direction, it's kind of counterintuitive, right? Like, you wanna pick up speed, you wanna pick up momentum, but if you're going backwards, it's no good. So,
Instead, you know, have you ever played Mario Kart and you know, when you get turned around a Mario Kart, that little cloud comes and it picks you up and it puts you the right way. That's kind of what we do because there's so many dads that are just going full steam, like everything they got foot right down to the floor. The gas is just, they're driving as fast as they can, but they're going in the wrong direction. And we're like, wait a second. It's not about speed. It's about direction. So what.
Jey (27:17.068)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (27:22.872)
Mm-hmm.
Jay Kalryzian (27:43.638)
what we've created is something that points you to where you actually wanna be going. And just taking those steps day by day, not as fast as you possibly can, but at least in the right direction, it changes the whole game. It's where you're gonna see the progress that you wanna see in your life and setting those priorities up, the family time. It's actually a really big undertaking, figuring out what's important to you, what your priorities are.
scheduling that in and having a structure to follow and having somebody that keeps you accountable, that keeps you weekly, you know, this is what we're talking about, this is what we're doing. Let's figure out this part of your life. Let's dig in. Like what are the reasons you're not spending time with your kid? Why are you reacting to your kids instead of responding to them? Because it is the modeling that they're gonna look at. You can tell your kids everything, you act like this and be this kind of kid and do this. They're not gonna listen to you.
They're gonna see what you do. And when they actually see you doing the things, they see you having fun, they see you prioritizing your life in a certain way, like how you're eating, the foods that you're, you know, that make you feel good, that's the biggest impact on your kids. Be the model for them, you know?
Jey (29:03.252)
You hit on two things that I love talking about here. The first is the process or the progress over the product kind of thing. It's one thing I talk a lot about with parents in my line of work, working with youth and families in mental health is so many parents get caught up in the product. We're always focused on what our kid is producing.
Are they producing the grades? Are they producing the accolades? Are they producing all the things? Well, we get lost. We get so lost in focusing on that product that our kids end up resenting us because they now equate your love with the product. So they know like they have to go way out of their way, way extreme to go and do top notch, top tier things. And if they don't do the top notch, top tier, number one.
kind of product that you're expecting or they come to learn that you expect from them, then they're going to be like, oh, I'm just a disappointment. Mom and dad don't love me. They just they don't they don't care. They don't want me all the things. Right. But when we get lost in the process or the progress, we start to see how amazing our kids are. We see them turning C in science or maybe a really low C into a really
solid B from a 70 to an 86. Maybe they're not great at science at all. Maybe they can't stand science because it just doesn't make sense to them or whatever the subject may be in school. But they work so hard just to go from a 70 to an 85. And when we get lost in the process with them, we can now see like, oh, great job doing your science homework. I see you working super hard. Great job. Reassuring them that their process.
is more important than the product because ultimately grades are important but they're not everything. Sports accolades are not everything. Your kid's probably not going to go D1 anyway. Sorry to break it to you. Just to say it out there, if your kid really wants an academic scholarship, they're going to get an academic scholarship. If they don't want that, then maybe they don't want to go to a typical four-year college. Maybe they aren't working for that because they'd rather do something else.
Jay Kalryzian (31:07.278)
I'm out.
Jey (31:23.104)
but you're putting so much pressure on them to get the product that you're missing that they're great with their hands. They're super skilled with wires and colors and designing or maybe with their trade or they're such a crazy interest in cars that you lost all that like, because you're so focused on them getting that when you miss years of getting opportunity to bond with them over cars.
Because you're also into cars but you miss that whole thing because you're so focused on them getting an academic scholarship That you missed all these chances to bond over cars to work on cars together to teach them to grow with them Because you're focused on the process the product versus the process So that's super important. And then the other thing there is we have to model what we want from our kids if we want our kids to be shit heads well or sorry not if we want but if our kids are shit heads
Guess where they're probably getting that from? They're probably getting it from, yeah, they're getting it from their model, their example. A lot of parents that come in to get services that my program offers think that we're gonna fix their kid. We're not. There's no way, there's no way about it that we're gonna fix your kid working with them two hours a week. There's no chance. Because they're with you all the other hours a week outside of school.
Jay Kalryzian (32:19.978)
Yeah, they're modeling, you know.
Jey (32:44.008)
Oh, well then school's gonna fix them. No, that's not school's job is to fix your kid. Their job is to simply try to teach them to the best of their abilities. And then for them to pass the standard I test so the school gets funding and then go from there. So really that modeling instructions, like if you want them to be good, kind, well-rounded, hardworking, fun, nice individuals, then you should probably be that fun, nice.
hardworking, kind individual. If you want them to be grateful for what they have, you need to be grateful for what you have. If you want them to be happy and excited about the simple things in life, then you need to be happy and excited about the simple things in life. Because kids, they're normally pretty happy about just seeing a cloud in the sky, or looking at clouds and looking at different shapes, or they're happy that a flower's blooming, or they're happy that there's a bird, or...
different pieces, different grass looks different way. Like they get excited and happy about that because it's different. They get to see the difference in front of them. But when you react just like, oh yeah, well that grass is yellow, that grass is green. That's probably dead, this grass is green. Like it's more alive. If you react like that, then your kids are gonna be like, oh, I guess there's no joy in life. But if you're like, yeah, why do you think that grass is yellow versus that grass is green? And you challenge them and you make them think and you match that energy with them.
You hear it all the time in the dating scene. Like, oh, I want someone who matches my energy. Yeah, well, do you match your kid's energy? If you're expecting that from someone, do you also do it with your current relationships that you have? Do you match the energy? Do you match the excitement, the emotion, the love, all the things in between there? So.
Jay Kalryzian (34:29.485)
Yeah. One of the things that we really focus on in my house is games. We love games. We gamify pretty much everything. We gamify the dishes and laundry, but every Wednesday night we have a game night. We play games and different people come different weeks and changes in the summer, changes in the winter. But right now we're really into board games. We play a lot of board games and I really like it.
because my kids get to see a bunch of adults playing and laughing and we shut off our phones, we're not on them and we just focus in on the game, but there's so much laughter, there's so much healthy competition. It's not like we're showing everybody loses at some point and what it looks like to lose. And I really wanna model that stuff for them because I think that's the most important stuff for kids is seeing how to enjoy life, seeing how to have fun.
what does conflict resolution look like when you disagree on, you know, somebody, did somebody cheat on this game? Or what, oh, no, I'm not playing. And like, there's all these, this emotion that comes out of a game night. And I think that it's super valuable to include them in that game night, include them in, you know, games that are maybe just a little bit outside of their comfort zone, stuff like that to kind of push them, but also to have a good time and show how, how you can have fun with your friends. I don't-
One of the big things that I notice, I talk to a lot of dads and one of the first questions I always ask is, well, how do you have fun? What do you do for fun? And then they go, I go to the gym. I go, no, that's not fun. Like, that's fun, that's not fun. That's good for you, that's healthy for you. You probably enjoy it, but when do you laugh out loud? When does your stomach hurt from laughing? When do your cheeks hurt from laughing? When do you have those moments where you're just having so much fun? And...
nine times out of 10, they're stumped. They don't know. They've just gotten into this routine where they're just doing the things that they have to do. They've got a checklist and they're like, "'Yep, I worked today. "'Yep, I ate healthy today. "'Yeah, I did this. "'I went to the gym. "'I'm doing all the things.'" And there's no time for fun. There's no time for enjoyment. And I think we're just robbing our kids from that whole experience of actually having fun with your parents. I mean, you've got those things to do. You have responsibilities, sure.
Jay Kalryzian (36:53.974)
but there's also this responsibility of showing your children how to enjoy life. And I love how you said it. I like to sum it up like the processes is so important. It really is. How you're showing your kids how to do things. So the ends don't justify the means if you're yelling at your kids to go to bed, right? We don't have to do that. Let's change our process so they actually enjoy the process of going to bed.
So now it's not a struggle every time to go to bed. Every night you're just yelling at your kids to go to bed, they're gonna hate it. And they're gonna fight that and they're not gonna wanna do it. Of course they're not gonna wanna do it, they don't enjoy it. Once they enjoy the process, then they're gonna enjoy the results also, right? So there is this mindset that you have to switch when you're working with kids that what I'm doing and teaching them and how I'm teaching them is very, very important.
It's not just what they get out of the experience. It's how they got to the end product. I love that idea that you set up there for sure.
Jey (38:00.732)
100%. So we talked, we kind of got into the mental, emotional, behavioral health stuff, pretty off the bat there. So I just want to talk about our hop-up and parenting things. And I think it's so important. We mentioned it kind of briefly, kind of alluded to it. But the thing that you wanted to talk a little bit more about that should be changed and could be changed, I've talked about it plenty of times on the podcast, is that moms are better parents.
Jay Kalryzian (38:13.538)
Sure.
Jey (38:30.46)
and just to kind of put it out there, there's no good way to preface that but you know there are there's a lot of really bad moms and there's a lot of great dads but with the family court system at least in our country especially in my state my state's a blue state so that means it's more likely to be mom favored mom's good mom's great mom's all these things
Jay Kalryzian (38:31.6)
Yeah.
Jey (39:00.628)
working in the business I work in now, working in the program I work in now, I get to go to a lot of family court sessions. I get to go to a lot of different court hearings, work with court investigators, work with CPS on a totally different level. And it's really cool to see because there's, it's totally changed a lot of what I've thought about the system. Granted, within my state, the area I live is very moderate, if not more right wing leaning.
for a lot of things, but that's the politics don't really matter in it. But I've gotten to see that like dads are given a shot more and more. I had a family to where the mom was exiling the dad, alienating him, and then he kept fighting, fighting and he got 50-50 because the judge saw through all the things. And so it's really important that to know like
Jay Kalryzian (39:42.614)
Yeah.
Jey (40:01.136)
At least in this instance, it's worth the fight. Your kids are 100% going to be worth the fight. Moms aren't always the better parents. Look at my situation. I'm way closer to my dad. My dad's my dad. That's my boy. My guy is my dad. I love my dad. But I still refer to my mother as my biological mother. I don't even call her my name. I don't call her mom. Biological mother. She's my biological mother. That's it. She birthed me.
a person who birthed me, you know, that's all she is. There's no emotional, there's no social, there's no connection there. What just goes to show that like, it's not always the mom that's the superior parent. It's not always the moms that are always doing the best. So it's not to be expected that moms are the better parents all the time.
Jay Kalryzian (40:38.548)
Alright.
Jay Kalryzian (40:55.006)
Yeah, you're right. I don't think it's a gender thing, to be honest. I don't think that moms automatically get that title. I'm the better parent. I think it's the parent that is trying. It's the intentional parent that wants to be around their kid, that shows up for their kid all the time. It's a consistency thing. And parenthood is not a sprint. You can't just get a bunch of.
parenting done. It's a marathon. It's really the long game. You're in it. You're in it for life. There's not a point in your life and you're just not going to be a parent anymore. So you've got to look at that big picture. How am I going to parent this child for the rest of my life? Even my mom, in the last month, I've really leaned on my mom a lot for a lot of things. I won't get into it right now, but she's still there to help me through stuff. I'm 45 years old, mom. I need to talk. Let's go out for lunch. And she's there for me.
And you've got to think that. You're gonna be in this child's life for the rest of your life. And when I think about it that way, I'm like, oh, I really want to nurture this relationship. I really want to be there for my children. And it doesn't always seem that way. And it really seems like we can get selfish. We can look at the things that we need to do and we're not paying attention to what the effect is on our kids.
And it doesn't matter if you're the mom or the dad, are you the intentional parent? There always seems to be one. If you can get two parents that are really into being parents, that's amazing. But usually there's one parent that just wants to be a parent more. And it just happened to be me in this situation. And I just love it. And when I became a stay at home parent, I had a lot of backlash from, I live in a very small community.
It's a farming community. I'm in Southern Ontario. I mean, there are a lot of cows around. There's like, I go down the street. I've got a farmer's market in my backyard every week. Like I'm in rural Canada. Like it's, there's like menly men that are doing farming stuff and there's certain roles. And a stay at home dad isn't a very popular role where I am. It's just not, right? Maybe in the bigger cities, it's becoming more popular. But for me, I was really kind of
Jey (43:10.488)
No. No, I can see that.
Jey (43:16.364)
Mm-hmm.
Jay Kalryzian (43:18.294)
doing it by myself. Like I didn't have a group of stay at home dads that I was meeting up with weekly. I didn't have any of the, you know, the dad support groups, nothing like that. Nothing local. I could find it online, but you really need like that tight community when you're raising kids. And moms have that. And that support group really elevates their game because they're constantly talking about it. In those first couple of years, I mean, it's baby and mom. And that's like, I think that's just a natural thing.
your breastfeeding, your hips are out there to put the kid on, like it's that time when babies and their mothers really bond. And that's the job of the dad to kind of come in and be like, okay, like this is where I step in now. And I've got to prepare this child to make it on their own. I really think that's the whole role of a father is to prepare your child to go out into the world and face it alone.
And that's the responsibility of the dad. The responsibility of the mother in my eyes is to nurture and love that child when it's small, when it's very vulnerable to the world and to be that protective energy in their lives. There's different roles for dads and moms. And when you can work in synergy with that, magic. But the norm right now is that there's a lot of separated families, blended families.
Everybody's situation is so unique and so different. Some people have three kids, some people have two kids, two step kids, and two of their own kids. And it's like the Brady Bunch all over the place now. There's six kids in these families and there's different weekends. And it's so dynamic and so complex. It's like, how do I parent in this? What do I do? And it's no longer who's the better parent. It's like, how do we co-parent?
How do we get along? It shouldn't be a competition. That statement of like, who's the better parent? It's like, well, okay, if I'm doing this, how do we work together to create it so that there's a balance between the parents? What does that look like? You know, it should never be a competition, even when you're going through a separation. You know, don't use your kids as weapons. Don't try to fight about who's being that better parent. How do we support each other?
Jay Kalryzian (45:42.11)
If I feel I'm the better parent, how can I help you up your game so that our kids are getting the best no matter where they are? That's kind of my mentality around parenting right now, especially co-parenting in the last two and a half years with my ex, who historically for me, when I separated with somebody, when I broke up from a relationship, I was done. I was out, I was moving on, right? I didn't wanna stay in the energy. I didn't want, okay, we're not doing this, perfect. We'll stay friends, we'll stay civil, that's great, but.
Jey (46:03.372)
Yeah.
Jay Kalryzian (46:11.102)
I'm moving on with my life and now I don't have that option. So it's like, how do I continue this relationship with the mother of my children so that we're both supporting our kids when I have so much resentment towards the relationship and how we separated? And you've got to work through that stuff and you've got to process that for your kids so that you can both be there for them.
Jey (46:29.013)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (46:36.308)
100%. I think with that, the best thing to do while you're processing or help you process is to keep it all, at least at the very beginning, while it's all fresh and new, because the goal is to be civil, right? The goal is to be civil, to be cordial, to be able to sit in the same room and support your kids. That's the end goal, right? But to get there, the very beginning, you almost have to be transactional.
You have to be transactional. You have to keep it like business. You have to keep it business pretty much. Which is good because it takes all the emotion out of it. It takes all the, yeah, it takes all the emotion out of it pretty much, is when it's transactional. Because if we're doing business together and I'm like, Jay, pleasure to meet you. Shake your hand. Let's talk business, let's talk numbers, let's do the thing, right? Keep this transactional, okay? Thank you for your time very much. See ya, outta here.
Yeah. So.
Jey (47:32.172)
Focus, transactional, bada bing, bada boom, in and out. Not in that way, but it's just transactional. That's all, that's the best advice. And if I was to give advice to a newly separated dad that's now co-parenting is to be, keep it transactional. Take the emotion out of it, keep it out.
Jay Kalryzian (47:52.554)
Yeah, when we add emotion to the separation, to figuring out the assets, to time with your kids, what seems to happen for men is they go angry. They get angry, they get worked up, and it's a natural response. Like, there's nothing wrong with getting angry, but there's a time and a place. If that anger's in you, you've gotta find a channel for that.
so that when you're negotiating for your kid's time, for the assets, for the house, for the cars, for any of that stuff, you wanna be logical. You wanna think what's the best move here? What's the best strategy? And having somebody guide you through that with proper tools and organizing your emotional states. And it's so beneficial to have somebody that's objective, that's outside of the emotional container.
that is a separation, that is that family getting pulled apart because it's overwhelming to you and you're not thinking clear. You're thinking in a very emotional state. You're reacting to everything. You're not responding. You're not thinking logical. You need somebody in your corner to oversee it and say, okay, this is the next step we're gonna take. This is what I want you to do tomorrow so that you're in a healthy state of mind.
Jey (49:12.683)
Mm-hmm.
Jay Kalryzian (49:15.83)
Let's stay away from the drinking, let's stay away from the drugs, let's stay away from all this stuff right now where we're freaking this out. Let's get as stable as we possibly can so that two years from now, you're not looking back with all these regrets on all the things that you should have said or you should have done. Let's manage this properly so that we can get through it. So those separations are really, really hard. I mean, just fatherhood, just having kids alone is very, very hard.
Jey (49:33.284)
100%
Jey (49:38.966)
Thanks for watching.
Jay Kalryzian (49:42.006)
Just managing the relationship, managing a marriage is hard. It doesn't matter where you are in your fatherhood or what your situation is. You've gotta put some energy behind figuring out what's important to you and how you're gonna manage it. Because if you just let it come at you and you're constantly reacting, you're gonna get off balance. You're gonna stumble, you're gonna fall. You've gotta kinda get in front of it, like you said, and be proactive.
about what you wanna do and how you wanna be as a father. And the sooner you do it, the younger your kids are, and the sooner you get that North Star and you get your direction of what you wanna do, the better off it is. Because everything comes at you so fast and you're not used to change happening so fast in your life as when you have a kid, because everything changes. And the fathers who think that they're gonna be the same person before they've had kids and after they have kids, it's really hard because they're resisting that change.
Jey (50:32.84)
everything.
Jay Kalryzian (50:40.906)
and they're not going into that flow of change. You know, I've gotta change, I have to change. That kid is gonna come at you so hard with all the things that you're gonna have to change and shift and pivot in your life. And if you're not changing direction to go with it, it's just a constant battle.
Jey (50:59.052)
And I think the important part of that is that recognizing the change, understanding the change, and then with the whole anger piece, anger is a secondary emotion. It kind of goes back to like what I mentioned earlier to making sure like you ask yourself why, why am I angry? Is this really anger or is this sadness? Is this a broken heart? Is this disappointment? Is this my dreams are shattered? Why am I angry? Because anger is going to be a secondary emotion on top of another emotion.
So it's important to figure out and assess that anger for what it is. Why am I angry? Where is this coming from? And then finding your outlet to get it out from there. Anger can look a lot of different ways. Maybe it is physical anger, but where are you feeling that anger in your body? Why are you feeling angry? Are you feeling it in your hands? Are your hands tired? Are your hands sweaty? Are you feeling it in your face? Are you feeling it in your temples? Are you feeling it in your legs? Are you feeling it in your arms, your chest, your belly?
If you're feeling your belly, you're probably hungry. You probably need to eat something. If you're feeling it like in your throat, exactly. If you're feeling it in your throat, maybe you're a bit thirsty. Maybe you're not realizing it, that you're really thirsty and that's making you a little bit upset. So it's just important to recognize it. But yes, the flow, the flood of that is fatherhood that comes in, it changes everything. It changes who you are biologically. It changes who you are mentally. It changes who you are emotionally.
Jay Kalryzian (52:03.739)
You're not angry, you're angry. Yeah, you need some food.
Jey (52:24.092)
It changes who you are spiritually if you believe in that. It changes every aspect of you as a father. And it's important to recognize that those changes are going to happen as soon as you become a father. As soon as you hold that little baby in your arms for the very first time, when you feel that very first kick in the belly, all those things, if you're a part of that process. That's all gonna change you. It biologically changes who you are as a person. And yeah, so it's super important to recognize that. But.
Is there anything else that you want to mention from anything that we talked about or are you ready to jump in to the YDP3 here?
Jay Kalryzian (53:00.142)
Uh, well, just the one thing that I do want to mention, I'm dying to get into these questions. I'm super curious what you have to ask. Um, but one thing I wanted to mention is if, if there, if you're a dad out there and you do just want to have a chat and conversation and see what we can do, I mean, like jump on the Zendaya method and book a call. I love chat. This is what I love to do. I love talking about parenting. I love finding solutions. It's not just about, it's not just about getting it out there and having to chat about it. It's like, okay, well.
what can we actually do? What are the actual solutions? I think men are so logic-based and they want solutions. What are the actual things I can do that will make a change? And that's kind of what we set up. So yeah, I love having these chats. So thank you so much for these chats, but yeah, let's dive in and see what I can answer for these questions.
Jey (53:48.896)
Alright, so YDP3, there are three questions. I ask every guest toward the end of our recording to just kind of rack your brain, to end this kind of on a philosophical note. It's a great way to wrap everything back together and to learn a little bit more about you. First question here is where are you rooted? So with that, like what are your core values? What makes up the innermost workings of J?
Jay Kalryzian (54:11.63)
Fun. I have fun. I love fun. That's, if I can have fun during the day, if I can have fun at work, if I can have fun with my kids, that's, I'm winning. And that's probably my core value. Everything else, it kind of gets done. Like they're mandatory. You've gotta make money. You've gotta eat. You've gotta do all these things. But my core value is, how do I show my kids how to enjoy life? This weekend was a really hard weekend for me.
and I needed to pivot a lot of energy. And I had my kids, we went tobogganing. We got snow finally. We haven't had any real snow up here yet. It's the middle of January. It's Canada. You're expecting snow in November. And we just didn't get it. And so we spent about, over two days, we spent about four hours tobogganing and laughing and rolling around in the snow. And it was just wild fun.
and I cut everything else out just to have fun with my kids because we all needed it. And sometimes the world just gets heavy and you have to do things. That's always gonna happen. And whenever I can just shift the focus to fun for a little bit, an hour, two hours out of my day, it is, it feeds my soul. And I can see my kids light up. And if I can hear my kids giggle, if I can see them smile every day,
I just feel like that's where I'm doing the best work I can for my kids and for myself. Fun, fun's my priority.
Jey (55:44.16)
100%, 100% love that. You kinda answered the next one within that one, but we'll see if you got anything else here. What grounds you? When you're all stressy and depressy, or when you're really feeling it, what kinda brings you back into reality, and what brings you down?
Jay Kalryzian (56:02.338)
Um, I've had, I've had like probably one of the most heaviest months in my life. The last month has been a lot. It's been a lot to handle. Uh, we've had two deaths in my family and, uh, it's been a lot for, for everybody, for honestly everybody. And I do a lot of breath work. That's the most grounding thing I can recommend to anyone. I actually facilitate them now. I I've done hundreds of them, but they're, we do really big.
hour long breathwork sessions and it helps me process so much stuff. I can super think, I've done amazing things in breathwork sessions. I won't get into them right now. It'd be a whole another hour podcast, but the single most effective thing I've learned, like tool in my toolbox, to ground me, to get me centered, to get out of that reactive state and back into a logical thinking state is just...
Jey (56:45.692)
Ha ha.
Jay Kalryzian (56:59.222)
different kinds of breathwork. Yeah.
Jey (57:01.62)
I love that. And the last one here is, let's say I'm up in Canada. I don't know you, you don't know me. I see you at the park with your kids. And you look over at me, we just kind of make eye contact from across the way, right? Kind of like classic love story. But I see you and you look at me, you're like, wow, that guy looks like he's going through it. You can see the bags on my eyes. You can see kind of the vibes are really low over here. And then I look at you. In my head, I'm thinking, wow, this guy is...
Jay Kalryzian (57:15.702)
Yeah.
Jey (57:29.768)
He's having fun. He's got it together. He's smiling. He's laughing. He's enjoying life. What's his secret? What is he doing that I'm not doing? Because I'm so low that I'm on the ground. I'm a part of the pavement. That's how low I am. And so then I walk over to you. I'm like, look, man, I don't know you. You don't know me. We're complete strangers. I see you. You're having fun. You look happy. Your kids are having fun. What are you doing that I'm not doing? Because I'm probably at the lowest point in my entire life I've ever been.
Jay Kalryzian (57:44.907)
Yep.
Jey (57:59.912)
In that moment, you get to tell me one, maybe one and a half pieces of advice to maybe try to bring me out of that even a little bit.
Jay Kalryzian (58:11.09)
Oh, that's a whole, it's a whole process. Oh my God. Um, that's a really big question. That's a really big question. I've actually been in that situation. I've actually been at the park playing, uh, 20, 25 kids playing a hide and seek touch tag kind of games. I'm a, I'm a pretty pro popular, uh, parents at the park. And one time I had this dad come up to me and, and he looked at me and he's like,
Jey (58:34.037)
Alright.
Jay Kalryzian (58:40.078)
how are you doing this? Like what, like what's, how are you doing this? And I said to him, I put my phone in the car. That's what I did. And I put it down and I'm just present. I'm where I have to be. And whatever the emotion is that's coming up, whatever the situation is right there, I'm gonna deal with it.
I'm not pulling myself away. Because if I don't know where I am and I don't know what's going on in my life, if I'm not in that situation, I'm not ever gonna know how to get out of it. So if I'm sad, I gotta know I'm sad. And do I wanna shift out of it? Is there something I need to process? Be present. Be present with your kids. Be present with yourself. The more you can get into this moment right now, the better chance you have. So doing that, that's a whole.
That's what we do, that's the whole process. Getting you to that point, you know? After three months with us, 90 days, you go from I don't know where to even go to okay, I know exactly where I'm going. I know the path that I want. That's my north star, that's what I wanna go after. This is who I wanna be, and then you start taking those steps. And it's not one simple thing. Everybody, it's different, but if you're not starting, if you don't know where you're starting from, you're always gonna be lost. Be present, be there.
Be right where you are as much as you can. That's my advice for that.
Jey (01:00:06.892)
love that. I love that. Well Jay, it's been an absolute pleasure having you. The people can find more of you over on Instagram at the Zen Dad Method. They could find you on Facebook at Jay. I don't even know how to say your last name.
Jay Kalryzian (01:00:22.09)
Help. Jay Calrissian. Just like Lando Calrissian from Star Wars. Yeah, Calrissian.
Jey (01:00:24.64)
How resilient.
Gotcha. So you can find more of Jay over on Facebook. You can find them on LinkedIn, and you can also find them on TikTok as well. Anywhere else that the people can find you or anything else that you wanna plug, here in the last minute or so of the show.
Jay Kalryzian (01:00:40.862)
Yeah, www. You can go there. We've got a free book that you can get there. It's to help your kids go to bed. It's the bedtime routine. Just to be intentional with your kids, figure out a routine for them to get them to bed. It lowers a lot of stress. Everybody's gotta put their kids to bed. And you can also book a chat with me if you want. You can book something in. My time is very limited and it's very valuable. So...
Um, but I'm always interested in hearing where dads are and the more knowledge we get about where dads are, what they're doing, the more dads we can help. So I'm always open to having those conversations. So yeah, hit up the Zen Dad Method.com and, uh, yeah, let's connect.
Jey (01:01:23.776)
love that. Well, thank you so much for your time today. It's been super just awesome getting to chat with you, getting to chat with you the other day and being connected with you. So it's much appreciated. Thank you for everything we're able to touch on today.
Jay Kalryzian (01:01:36.906)
Yeah, it's been an absolute pleasure, Jay. Absolute pleasure.
Jey (01:01:40.756)
It's been great. Well guys, we'll see you next week.