TRANSCRIPT:
Jey (00:11.301)
And huzzah, we made it, we're here. Welcome to another episode of the Young Dad Podcast. I'm Jay and with me today is Jeff. Jeff, how are you, man?
JEFF VULPIS (00:20.97)
I'm doing great, man. How about you, Jay?
Jey (00:23.165)
I'm doing good. Another beautiful day.
Another beautiful day. Jeff, I wanted to introduce you a little bit to the listeners if they ended up skipping over the intro, which happens. Happens sometimes. I skip intro sometimes. You're not a dad. However, you're just a really cool dude and a great guy with an amazing story. I'm excited to hear more about it. Personally, you're a mindset coach, mind fit coach and speaker and you've overcome a lot. God has led you and I both here today because he ain't make no mistakes.
and he's given you a powerful story to tell. You use that story, you've been able to make a business out of it. So please, however much of the story you want to start with or wherever you want to start, floor is yours.
JEFF VULPIS (01:10.754)
Well, thank you, man. And I appreciate you having me. Yeah, the story definitely is a very unique story. And again, it's giving glory to God for getting me through a lot of things. I had a lot of trials throughout my journey from where I've come from to where I am now. It started out with my birth. I was actually born at six months, two pounds, 11 ounces. I almost drowned at three years old. I was raised by grandparents, bounced around from school to school.
I faced a lot of adversity in my childhood as far as when I would move back with my biological mom. She had a boyfriend that was very, very violent and I would end up having to separate them, save her. It was guns, bats, knives, police, just a lot of craziness. Dealt with a lot of issues through that. And then this is, we're talking 1994 right now.
And kids weren't so politically correct back in the day. And what would happen was it was up North and a lot of times up there, your families are volunteer firefighters and police and stuff like that. And they all have neighborhood scanners and they would call down and say, Oh, there's a domestic violence disturbance down at the house. And the dads would come down, bust through, you know, help whatever point the fight was at then.
And then as bad as that was every night, sometimes five, six, seven, eight, nine times a night, um, I'd go to school the next day and those kids, dads were in my class and they would say, Oh, my dad had to come save your life and your mom's life and everything. And then, you know, I would try to protect my mom's honor and fight the kids in class and I ended up legit getting snatched up by the teacher and would get in a fist fight with the teacher. Like it's diff. This isn't.
today, this is 1994, and I had teachers grab me by the throat, slam me up against a wall, and I would be fighting them. I'd be fighting kids. It was just a complete mess. So that was normal. I tell you, it was totally normal, especially up North. I tell you, it was a 10-day period. I was in... Go ahead.
Jey (03:07.449)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (03:17.453)
I'm a crazy thing, that was normal back then. Like that was, that was normal. That was totally, that was totally normal.
Jey (03:31.684)
What do you mean up north? Like, where do you...
JEFF VULPIS (03:34.942)
PA in Pennsylvania. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially in those small towns like that. Totally normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, like I kid you not. So it was a 10 day period and 94. So I think it was between fourth and fifth grade. You know, I kept getting in the fights. It was like this really, really big school. It was like two stories and it was like, they have a weird setup. It was like K through eight.
Jey (03:36.621)
Okay, okay, yeah, totally normal, totally normal.
Jey (03:41.821)
Oh yeah, they don't got no coverage, they don't got no news, they don't got no media, they don't got nothing. Ain't no one gonna hear about it.
JEFF VULPIS (04:03.998)
or something, it was like a weird elementary school into middle school. So you're talking thousands of kids, two story school, massive. So I would end up fighting the kids. And then like you would transfer classes, which you didn't really do back in now, but you would transfer classes like high school in, you know, fourth and fifth grade, and the teachers would hear about me and I was labeled a problem, a class clown in 10 days. I kid you not, right. I got in two fist fights with teachers, got hit in the head with like books.
Jey (04:22.221)
Mm-hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (04:33.698)
thrown out of class, suspended three times, and it was all for fighting for my mom's honor and stuff that I was going through. So a lot of times what I share with people, if I just take that year when I was 11 years old, that alone is enough to overcome as far as you get a complex with not being able to defend the woman that you love and protect the woman that you love, meaning your mom. You have this crazy anxiety of when is stuff gonna start?
Jey (04:57.73)
Uh huh.
JEFF VULPIS (05:03.562)
You know, how violent is it going to get going to get? How much can I help? Um, you have this like restlessness, all this stuff. You have this embarrassment where you feel like you're the kid down the street that everybody runs to help. And it's always drama. So part of my coaching business alone was just built on everything I learned at 11 and then how to unravel that as a man, like, okay, so I grew up around domestic violence, how do I not engage in it?
or I grew up in domestic violence and poverty and drugs and alcohol, how do I not go become an addict? You know, and like all these things, how do I deal with rage? How do I deal with anger? How do I deal with, in society, we're supposed to suck it up as a man and just deal with it, but a lot of the men that suck it up, the only thing they're sucking up is beers at the bar. And I didn't want to be that guy. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to help with domestic violence.
But I knew part of the ways to help with domestic violence is not only helping, you know, the moms, the majority of the moms that deal with it, it's helping the men say, look, we got to stop this. And we stopped this with addressing the problems that we may be carried from childhood that wasn't our own, but it's our responsibility. So that's kind of just a little bit of a story. There's so much more, but I mean, we can bounce back and forth with that if you want.
Jey (06:08.537)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (06:22.585)
Of course, man. No, that's crazy because the age you're talking about, just psychologically speaking like stages of development for boys, like that age you're talking about is exactly when a young man is trying to find like, start to discover early manhood, like who he is as a man and stuff. And you compound that with, I mean, trauma also can stunt and hinder development in several areas, especially DV.
Seeing it being around it, experiencing it, having it happen to you can stunt the growth of youth in general. But especially for boys because we're already, what, three, four years behind our female peers at that same age. Like, they might be 11 years old but emotionally and cognitively, typically speaking, they're about three, four years ahead. Developmentally, on average.
JEFF VULPIS (07:04.302)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (07:19.353)
It's really interesting to think about that, but when it came down to it, what happened as you got into adulthood? I mean, obviously you got through it, you're still here with us. It wasn't easy, I imagine. When did you discover your faith and how to overcome those obstacles? Because I'm sure there were plenty of times where you wanted to give up.
JEFF VULPIS (07:36.974)
Ahem.
JEFF VULPIS (07:46.354)
Oh yeah, a hundred percent. And, uh, really, so that happened at 11, um, and happened the whole year. So I think I was 11 turning 12, moving out of that situation. I went and moved back in with my grandparents. And I tell you like 12, 13, 14 years old was just, I don't even remember it. It's like, I blacked it out of my mind. I guess it was so much trauma and so much trying to, you know, unravel what just happened. Um, my biological mom went on her journey.
Um, I went on mine with my grandparents and just, you know, I could tell that from 12, 13, 14, I really don't remember every like anything at 15. It was very like I'm lost. I'm in pain. I hated school. I hated being around people. I had so much like anxiety. I would throw up at like the thought of like leaving the house. And at 15, I actually went to a Josh McDowell concert and, um, he was talking about Christ and everything and about. And
Jey (08:23.043)
Mm-hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (08:42.498)
The biggest thing that hit me is that Christ will take your pain. And I grew up Catholic and it was very like, you know, I have nothing wrong to say about anybody. You know, I love the Catholic faith and everything, but when I was 15 and I went there and he said, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior? And I decided to. And that really sparked so much for me, which we can get into after that. But yeah, I accepted Christ as my Savior at 15.
Jey (09:12.274)
Okay. Love that. So you got, and I think that's common, like, for people to black out certain stages of their life. Like, if you asked me anything between zero to eight, there's...
There's some memories like about baseball and like some broken promises with my biological mother and stuff. Then my grandpa passed away at 8 years old. Um, that was raising me. After that, I probably don't have another...
Jey (09:47.297)
really anything so eighths about third grade so fourth grade i could tell you who my teacher was fifth grade i know i changed schools uh... very minor things
Probably not until maybe...
7th grade there's some minimal so there's like a big chunk of time. It's probably up until I'm maybe in 8th grade or so Before you know, there's things that start coming back. So there's probably a good five years was just very minimal Memories of anything happening. I mean that of course happens to of course when you have five concussions like I have you forget you certain parts kind of Go black a little bit, but I don't think that's uncommon
to where your brain and the trauma you go through because your brain wants to hide it and cover it up and to forget about it. And you mentioned pain, the pain that comes along with that, your body wants to forget that pain. Naturally, your mind wants to forget it, your brain wants to forget it because it doesn't want to produce those chemicals because it hurts your brain, brain's trying to develop. So I would say that's very common, 12 to 14.
JEFF VULPIS (10:43.323)
Yep. Yeah.
Jey (11:04.725)
Lot goes on, puberty. No one wants to remember when they started puberty that age. Nobody, I tell ya. So, that's not uncommon. So 15, you went to the concert, you accepted Christ as your savior. You grew up Catholic and of course, you know, those are, it's not easy to go from, you know, kind of where you were raised and what you knew your whole life to something new, especially on your own. It can be really scary.
JEFF VULPIS (11:11.794)
Yeah.
Jey (11:34.273)
So kudos for you for doing that in general. So after, you know, 15, after this concert, you accept Christ as your savior, what changed? What changes after that? Just in the moment, rest of high school, going into that next stage of life, early adulthood and into adulthood.
JEFF VULPIS (11:44.366)
Thanks for watching!
JEFF VULPIS (11:53.758)
Yeah, definitely. That's a great question. And again, everybody, I shared that story, you know, as a kid, because it led to so much I had to change as an adult. And hopefully in sharing that, I'm not trying to come across as a victim. I'm trying to come across as, look, we all deal with battles, whether it's childhood, mid adult, whatever, but you have to get real with them. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. If you went through something.
The thing to be embarrassed about is if you know you need to change and you're not doing it because it's easier to stay the same that it is to change. Change is tough, but change is necessary. Yeah. So.
Jey (12:24.425)
100% and just on that on that just real quick. You have to own it. You have to own the things that happen to you. You can't overcome them if you don't own them yourself. Like you can't expect anyone else to fix your heart to fix your emotions. Like you can't expect anyone else to do that for you. You can't expect the people who hurt you to apologize and to make you feel better. Like you can't you can't expect any of that.
It's solely on you as a person to overcome those and to get past them and to work through them and To overcome them because ain't nobody gonna do it for you
JEFF VULPIS (12:55.167)
Right, and that's.
JEFF VULPIS (13:05.174)
Yeah, and you know, that's a great point, Jay. And that's where I think a lot of people are stuck at. When they start to unravel, like, okay, I went through this as a kid, and you know I'm dealing with this, and they get stuck right there with it waiting for the apology. And what you do is you give power to that person. It's, I'm not a victim. The things I went through, God protected me in, He brought me through, and He let me use them to help people. I am not a victim. But at the same fact I'm not a victim, I am not stupid to the fact of where
Jey (13:18.996)
Mm-hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (13:34.514)
If I went through it and want to block it out, those other people want to block it out, and they may not be as strong to admit, hey, this happened. Hey, I was your parent. This shouldn't happen. Hey, I'm sorry. And if I wait for that, I could be waiting three, four, five, six, 10, 20 years. I'd be a fool to do that. I have to step up and say, this happened. It is what it is. Let me give it to God. God will take my pain, and he'll help me take steps forward.
And here we go and I'll be going down my path. And I think that that's a huge place that people get stuck at is right there where they say, yes, this happened to me. Now I'm waiting for my apology to move on. And they just sit there with their hand out and that's, it's not going to happen.
Jey (14:01.785)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (14:06.562)
Yes.
Yep. Because what you have to do then is you have to take the responsibility and you have to make probably the hardest choice and an active choice until it gets easier to do it, but you have to make the choice to forgive them. You have to make the choice to forgive them, put yourself in their shoes and you have to have empathy for them. Not sympathy. You don't need to feel bad for them, but you have to have empathy.
JEFF VULPIS (14:26.762)
Yeah, 100%.
Jey (14:38.357)
you have to forgive them and understand like kind of where they were. Like for me personally with my biological mother, you know, when I was 16, she looked me down in my face, told me she wish wishes I was never born, never loved me, things like that. So that took a lot of processing for a really long time to figure that out, to get over that. And it wasn't until after actually with my divorce back in 2021. So.
So a couple years ago, I did forgiveness therapy. And part of that was like trying to understand and like empathize like, okay, where was she at in her life when I was younger? Like she wasn't there growing up, but she was also really young. She was in DV situations. She was struggling going through it herself. Like, you know, she made the best choice for me. And that's in those situations. And for my brother, she didn't raise either of us. You know, she made these choices because that's what was.
to be best for us was to be raised by grandparents and to for her not to be in the picture. Is there part of me knowing now as a parent that I wish she just would have left it there and then just bounce and ghosted and gone on with her life? Absolutely because the damage that was caused by her coming in and out so much phone calls saying that she was going to send me this birthday gift or that birthday gift or do this for me or do that for me or things like that.
JEFF VULPIS (15:52.631)
Yeah.
Jey (16:04.409)
caused more damage and I don't think she understands dead because I mean, she didn't raise anyone and she has struggled with addiction her entire life and gone through her own sets of trauma and what not that she hasn't healed from and so yeah, it's difficult but you have to forgive that person because they're not going to come asking for your forgiveness they might in 20 years
when they're on their deathbed, maybe they'll feel bad enough for what they did for you, or maybe they'll too be caught up in dying and trying to right all these other wrongs, and you fall really low on the list and they didn't get to you, and now they're dead and you're still here with your hand up waiting. When 25 years ago you could have said, okay you know what I'm gonna make the active choice to forgive this person. I don't believe it right now that I do, but maybe in a year from now.
JEFF VULPIS (16:51.03)
Yeah.
Jey (17:01.973)
And I keep making the choice to say I forgive them and I'm over it and I truly do forgive them. And you mix in your own spiritual journey with that, wherever you land on forgiveness in the Bible and where you're at. It can make it a lot easier to do that. Cause personally I wouldn't have been able to do it without my faith, through my divorce and through that and overcoming those and understanding where that trauma was stemming from.
was having to say, you know, look, I personally don't forgive you yet, but I know I have to freely offer the forgiveness because the forgiveness is freely offered to me on a daily basis.
JEFF VULPIS (17:47.606)
Yeah, that's and thank you for sharing that. That's tough. And I tried so hard not to cry when you were saying that because that happened to me too with the birthday gifts and I'm right down the street and I'll be right there. And that was one of the biggest thing that affected me into adult. I mean, let's just, just pause right there. That is one of the biggest things that affected me in adulthood. And I'm sure it affected you when your parent tells you, Hey, I'm going to send you this. You believe them. You're taught to believe if there's somebody in the world, you can believe it's mom and dad.
Jey (17:58.329)
Mm-hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (18:14.134)
So when they say I'm sending this gift and you're looking for it, you wait with childlike faith and you're like, it's gonna come, it's gonna come, it's gonna come. And when they tell you, I'm right down the street, I'll be there and they don't show up for three weeks, four months, six months and walk in like nothing happened. Personally, me growing up into my adulthood, that ended more relationships for me, friendships, dating relationships, everything, because I had a fear of abandonment and I had a fear of people not showing up.
Jey (18:14.489)
Mm-hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (18:41.33)
If I said, okay, we're going to hang out at six and it was six, so one and somebody didn't show it up automatically. I'm like, screw them. I'm done. That's it. My anxiety went up. My walls went up everything. And I think there's a lot of people that deal with that alone and don't know why relationships don't work that fear of abandonment. And if you ever had a parent, even if it happened one time, it had happened to me multiple times. And again, this is not me. Oh, I'm a victim. It's me saying I had to address this.
Jey (18:49.869)
Mm-hmm. Yep.
JEFF VULPIS (19:06.19)
I had addressed this, the luggage was handed to me whether I packed the suitcase or not, I had to address it. And then you sharing that, I felt the same way because all the Christmases and the having to hang up and it's the showing up at the house high and drunk and not showing up at all and gifts and who's this boyfriend and who's that one and the in and out, in and out. How do you process as a kid like, this is my parent, I'll see him when I see him. It's so like the in and out.
Jey (19:10.509)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (19:30.465)
Yeah.
JEFF VULPIS (19:33.834)
It's like you have to protect yourself. And this, yeah. And, and, and this alone can, because I've been divorced twice. We haven't even got into this. I was divorced at 20 and 24, but the biggest problem I had is in my relationships, I would get to where if somebody threatened to leave me, leave. I don't care. I dealt with it all the time as a kid. So I instantly that wall goes up. Yeah. That wall goes up. It's like, okay. I was trained.
Jey (19:33.922)
You don't.
Jey (19:40.217)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (19:52.417)
go. Bounce.
JEFF VULPIS (19:59.522)
to put up a wall since a kid. So if you wanna do it now, it doesn't fear me. And maybe, you know, I should have had more communication of, hey, let's talk about it. But certain things like, if you don't show up at like six o'clock and we say six o'clock, six o'one, I was losing it. And if you even mentioned the word leave, that's fine. It's normal to me. So, yeah. And that's right. And those are two things that are really screw up relationships into adulthood. So that's what this sharing part of these stories is about is about, look,
Jey (20:01.87)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (20:17.773)
Yeah, like, go ahead. That's easier for me.
Jey (20:25.279)
Mm-hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (20:28.81)
It's looking in the mirror, but when you look in the mirror, know what you're looking at, know what you have to improve. It's not beating yourself up, but it's not being a victim. You have to say, okay, this is what it is. Just like if I'm building a house, do I need four walls and a roof and a door and windows? Yes. That's what I need. So, okay, do I need to unpack my childhood? Do I need to unpack childhood trauma? Do I need to work on what I can? Yes. And Jay shared that it's hard and he couldn't have done it without his faith. I couldn't have done it without my faith. And I tell you, I'm still at, I just turned 40. I'm still.
Jey (20:57.261)
Mm-hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (20:58.998)
forgiving my biological parents at certain moments. But here's the thing, I couldn't forgive them all at once. I had to hand it to God and take back 10%. And this, yeah, you know what I'm saying? God, I can't forgive all this at once. Here, take this while I deal with little pieces. Hold the rest. And that was a big thing for me, I'm sure with you too.
Jey (21:00.993)
Yeah.
Jey (21:04.885)
No, 100%. Yes, yes.
Jey (21:16.697)
100% and I think with that, you know the message here to parents is If you are dealing with your own or some of this resonates with you or you're feeling like man, maybe You there are some people some things I need to forgive divorced dads out there divorced parents in general You know that other person. Yes, they still might be in your life as a co-parent But your relationship might be struggling with them because you haven't actively forgiven them
They're not going to ask for your forgiveness. They're not going to seek it. They're not going to come find you to try to get your forgiveness. You have, if you want to actually move on with your life, you cannot move on until you forgive those who wronged you, or you feel like they wronged you. You have to forgive them. You have to forgive them because you're not going to be able to move on or make any progress personally as an individual until you do. And if you are the parent of a child whose biological parents are doing similar things,
The thing that worked for me that was amazing that I'm so glad my grandma did from early on was because obviously that's her daughter so she would still talk to her but if she was on the phone she would let me know she would say hey your mom's on the phone do you want to talk to her so I was given that choice throughout a lot of my life I want to say probably from about the age of six till I
moved and lived with someone, another set of grandparents when I was 13. But I was given that choice for most of my life. And then after a while, like, I wasn't even given the choice because she just stopped asking.
She knew I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't have anything to say. I didn't want to. What's the point? This isn't gonna change my relationship with her. And I was able to recognize that really early on. You're not here, you call, and kids are smart. I think that's one thing we don't give kids a lot of credit for now is that, especially our kids are like, oh, they don't understand what's going on. They're gonna wanna talk to their biological parents. Yes, but no. We don't wanna talk to them through the phone.
JEFF VULPIS (22:58.763)
Yeah.
Jey (23:24.669)
knowing that they're never going to show up because when's the last time they showed up or oh you call because it's Christmas okay I I'm forced to talk to 25 people on Christmas that I barely know but like I know those are just routine calls or it's um it's another or it's my birthday so I'm going to get a flood of calls from extended family and whatnot calling to wish me happy birthday or these different people kind of thing like those are routine.
JEFF VULPIS (23:35.296)
Yeah.
Jey (23:54.317)
Those are because you have to. If it was Mother's Day, it was asked, do you want to call your mom? Not really.
Like my mom, my mother figures right here in front of me. It's you, like this is where it's at. It's Father's Day, that was a whole different thing, different can of worms, but my dad and I have a great relationship now. We have since I was about 14, so we have had a relationship for more than half my life now.
JEFF VULPIS (24:20.29)
awesome.
Jey (24:22.253)
So that again, you know, took a lot of just understanding and that situation itself caused anger and resentment towards my maternal grandma because there was some things that I wasn't told the truth about that made me really angry. That had been taken out, you know, toward her in a multitude of ways. Not proud of any of them. We talked about those things. The forgiveness was offered. Moved on past that.
But you know, it sucks being a kid and not being told the full truth of your situation. That's why I love with Larry, he's the host of As Dad as it Gets. You know, they have an adopted... Is it Larry? I think it's Larry. I believe they have an adopted child. They have been fully transparent with that child entire life. No secrets. Like you're adopted. Toby.
the author of the Good Bad Dad blog. Same situation, they have a son that they adopted and have raised since he was a little baby and maybe not a baby, I think a toddler, but they've raised this kid, they've been fully transparent because this kid, they're white and this kid's African-American. So it's very obvious, but again, they've never hid it from him. Like, hey, you're still our son, we love you as our son, like you're ours, we love you.
Like, no matter what people might say or think or do, like, you're our son, like, you're going to be treated the same as our biological children because that's where you are with us. Same with Larry and his kid. You know, you're still our kid. You're still my kid. But, just so you know, like, full transparency here from the very beginning since she was able to talk like...
Unable to understand and I think that's one of the best things you can do empower your kids to make the choice if they want To get involved with their biological family or not Don't leave it as an not an option because it's an option unless there's some excruciating circumstances Saying otherwise, you know parents are in active addiction abusers. They're in jail. Maybe not You know court orders things like that, of course, those are caveats but
Jey (26:41.833)
If it's an adoption situation and you adopted, be open because they're going to want to explore that biological outlet of them and understand where they came from and stuff. But then it also helps. One thing I've learned about having these conversations with other podcast hosts and dads in the situation itself is that you want to have that door open with the biological family because what if there's a sudden medical change? You want to know where that came from and how to treat it. Is this family history?
Is this something we need to be worried about? Is there a developmental delay that's manifesting now? Is there an emotional behavioral development delay that we're needing to address? And where is this coming from? Like, oh, I can call up his or her maternal grandma, or I can call up his paternal grandpa and be like, hey, maybe it's not the biological parents themselves, maybe it's the grandparents, or an aunt and uncle who knows the parents, saying, oh yeah, like, I remember growing up with Joey.
He had a, he was always angry and he had really bad angry issues. Or Susie Q, you know, she, when she was like 13, she got diagnosed with ADHD. Kids not going to know that, you know, he's extended. So keep those doors open. Leave your kid, empower your kid to make these choices, you know, whether they want to reach out or not, cause I, knowing from firsthand experience, I wanted to know. I ended up reaching out to my dad on Facebook when I was 14.
JEFF VULPIS (27:52.47)
Yeah.
Jey (28:09.105)
I custom out the first few messages. So I'm an angsty teenager. You know, I was into punk rock and all that stuff, you know, WWE, punk rock, Avril Lavigne, Linkin Park, shit like that. But, you know, it's, so I was angsty and wanted to know. And if I wanted to know, I'm gonna know, you know, I'm a teenager. And then from there, you know, I was shown court papers. I was handed court papers. I saw the court papers.
JEFF VULPIS (28:11.735)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jey (28:37.145)
question the court papers because they didn't make sense and I understood them. And I was like, what the heck is this? This makes no sense and all this whole thing. But anyways, I digress and go down a rabbit hole. So for you into early adulthood, unpacking your trauma, through your two divorces. What you said, there was some commonalities there, you know, you have these issues done from childhood and jump into that part. You're in, you're in the adult now divorced twice or divorced once.
JEFF VULPIS (28:58.602)
Yeah.
Jey (29:06.861)
than a second time. What? So what were the, what are some of the key themes of your life in this period? Let's say 19 to 25.
JEFF VULPIS (29:07.374)
Twice, twice, yeah.
JEFF VULPIS (29:19.21)
Okay, well 1925 was a perfect age because I was married at 20, divorced at 20, married at 24, divorced at 24, homeless, living in my car at 25. But back to like, excuse me, everything, sharing about my parents, like the number one thing it gave me into adulthood, it caused the complex of you're not worthy. Like I dropped out of high school, I had two jobs, I got married young, I was always searching for love, grabbing onto somebody, somebody please love me, I'm hurting, I know I'm not perfect but I have something to offer.
and there was all this pain, it was always trying to prove myself. And that led to a complex of I'm not good enough. And that led to the divorce, that led to the homelessness. The homelessness led to I grew up in poverty, it is what it is. That grew up to when I was homeless again, for two years living in my car when I was building my coaching business. It always was this thing of like, I knew what God told me, I knew what I had inside, but the complex that I had were chains around me locking it up and refuse to break those chains.
And you know, the work that I did with my mindset, the faith with God, with my coaching, with everything I had to do when I was building my coaching business and my speaking and go, you know, and I had to look myself in the mirror before I helped anybody else. I had to help myself and I had to get rid of all those complexes. That's what sharing these stories are about. It's like, look, until I addressed it, I carried it from 11 to like 32.
All those years are unnecessary. They bled over to my relationships, my business. I would always go like, I knew I could be up here, but I would always go right here because this is what I felt I deserved. This is what I felt, yeah, this is what I felt people valued me at. And until I looked to God for validation and until I started validating myself and I walked around with that freedom, I tell everybody, they're like, well, what's one of the biggest things when you were living in the car? I said I was alone with nobody but God and that's who I needed to be with because God showed me.
Jey (30:56.421)
That's comfortable.
JEFF VULPIS (31:14.826)
He said, I love you. Trust me. Have faith of a mustard seed. Now go get it done. And that's what I did. So now when all these people are like, how are you going to network to that person? How are you going to take your business here? How are you going to get those clients? How this, how that? Faith of a mustard seed. I blocked all that out. I don't I always tell people, I say, you don't have to be accepted by the created because you're accepted by the creator. If you will trust God, get your validation from God, you can live in fearlessness. You can have the right mindset. Keep moving forward. And you're not looking like when you want to take.
Jey (31:35.31)
Mm-hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (31:43.978)
your business or your life from here to here. You don't have to ask 10 people and get an 80% approval. You say, God, I want to do this. I'm praying for it. I believe it. I'm going to manifest it. I'm going to do what I can, trust you for the rest, and I'm going to get going. If you'll live your life like that, it's freedom. You can never put your foot on the gas pedal until you take your foot off the brake. That's where so many people are at right now in life. They got their foot on the brake, just chilling because of stuff that happened to them they haven't addressed.
Jey (32:11.869)
You can't move forward until you overcome what already happened to you. You know, you can't go forward. You can't become what you truly are meant to become unless you break those chains literally and you step out from behind the wall of baggage in front of you. And you start to take those... Just imagine if it's a big wall of suitcases, right?
Imagine you have a big wall of suitcases in front of you. You can't get around it, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it. All you can do is you can grab the ones at the top, you can pull them down, you can unpack them, put them away, grab the next bag, unpack it, put it away, so on and so forth, until you are able to create a doorway, or create a walkway, or
create something to get through, get over it, but you're gonna have to unpack a lot to be able to step over it.
Like you're gonna have to get layers deep. And I love what you said, like you can't.
Jey (33:25.121)
People want to get their validation from the world. From each other, from their peers, from the likes, from the shares, from the comments, from the views. Those are dopamine hits. That's not validation. That's cheap, easy, quick dopamine. Just like porn's cheap, easy, quick dopamine. Just like...
Jey (33:45.821)
TikToks, watching TikToks for two hours is quick hits and little dopamine. That's what our brain wants. It wants quick little hits of dopamine. Do they last? No. Because what do you go back for? More. Go back for more. You go back for more. That doesn't last. It fades. It moves on. You need more. Need that stimulation. You're training your brain the wrong way. And it's difficult.
Get out of that because that's kind of where societies dragged us down is quick little hits of dopamine to through on a daily basis what What you need to get through on a daily basis and that's where your validation comes from if you're any type of content creator all my fellow dad casters can relate but not also relate the same time because Most of us I would say most of the guys I talked to most of the podcasters I talked to
This isn't like our full-time thing. This is just a thing we do for fun if you have our creative expression out. There's a few that are very successful in what they do and this is their full-time thing, but majority are either stay-at-home dads, so their full-time job is being a dad, or they're working some other brick and mortar, nine to five or something like that, or they have another job, like this isn't their main job. So we don't do it for the, at least personally, like I don't do it for the...
the views, I don't share the reels for the likes, comments, and shares. Is that stuff cool? When I have a video take off and get 10, 20, 30,000 hits. Yeah, it's awesome. It feels good. Cause it's like, Oh, my message is getting out there. This message, a story is reaching more people than, you know, it should. Do I personally pray that each show I do, each episode I release, each video I post.
Do I hope and pray that each of those things takes off in their own right and regard? Absolutely. Because I want these messages to go to the right people. I want the right people to stumble upon my podcast. The same way that I stumbled upon getting into all this in the beginning. When I was divorced, when I got divorced, I was literally searching divorced dad podcast. And I stumbled upon this podcast called Single Dad Reboot. I'm like, that sounds...
Jey (36:04.709)
interesting, whatever. I need something. Because all I was really listening to then was fantasy footballers, spitballers, and a couple comedy podcasts. Because that's all I really needed in audiobooks to get through. That's all I really needed at the time to get through my day to day. It was normal. And so stumbled upon this podcast and it really resonated with me just like the title and the description.
was just like your story. And I think I'd seen it previously or maybe heard it from him, but said something along the line, like your story, what you went through and overcame is gonna be the blueprint for someone else.
who's gonna go through the same thing. And that just stuck with me for a really long time. It still sticks with me now doing it. It's like, if I can share my story, share other people's story, help other people share their story, have their voices heard, maybe we start reaching the people who need to hear it. It's out there for the world to hear, for them to hear how these challenges are broken and broken up and whatnot. And there's a lot of the same what you do.
You found your foundation, you found your business, you gave it to God, you overcame it. And now you speak and share these messages to empower others, to help them break the changes of the past, overcome obstacles, hear how it's important to not give up, even when you had every opportunity to give up. You had every reason that a normal person, not normal, but...
Most people would say, oh, you got divorced, give up. You got divorced twice, 1,000% give up. Don't ever date anyone ever. Obviously, you're not worthy of it, which is a boldface lie. You're 100% worthy of love, and it's going to come to you in the way it needs to come from. But you overcame all that, and you said, look, I don't need the world's love. I don't need women's love. I don't need one-night stand love. I don't need love from people who are fake or shallow.
Jey (38:02.229)
because they're showing me enough love probably because they want to get something out of me or from me or they got what they want and now they're going to leave. You said no, I don't want any of that. I want the love that's not going to end. That's going to continue to pour no matter how much I mess up, no matter how much I want to quit, no matter how much I bitch and complain and fight and mess up and screw up or leave it. Like that love's not going anywhere. Like that's what you actively chose and continue to choose every day. And
I think that's a beautiful part of your story and kind of how you got to where you are now.
JEFF VULPIS (38:38.702)
Thank you.
Jey (38:41.789)
But is there any so you got to 32? You got to 31 32 So the last eight years or so To kind of bring your story to where it is now What has happened over the last eight years that changed because you said from 25 to 31? It was unpacking dealing with all that working through a lot of that overcoming all of it what What's been the outcome the last eight years, you know what chay obviously a lot of things have changed, you know
JEFF VULPIS (38:57.428)
Poof.
Jey (39:11.957)
not homeless anymore. Your business is successful, making a living off of it. What's been the differences like for you and what's helped you move forward with all of it and get you to where you are like the last eight years? You know, some of those full circle moments, I guess.
JEFF VULPIS (39:12.514)
Yeah. No, well.
JEFF VULPIS (39:31.554)
That's a great, yeah.
That's a great question. I really didn't start getting fully into personal development in anything until I was like about 34. And I found out it's so funny, like I was reading a Dog the Bounty Hunter book and he kept talking about Anthony Robbins. And I'm like, who the hell is this Anthony Robbins? And I went and looked him up. Yeah. And I like, you know, I found him and everything, which is funny because I was on my way in the personal development personally, not as a business, just personally. And I was working at a job and got electrocuted.
Jey (39:47.511)
Nice.
Jey (39:51.23)
I love Anthony Robbins.
JEFF VULPIS (40:03.634)
and was on work comp and I'm sitting at home with no money broke and I'm watching Instagram and I come across Tim Grover's video and he's the one that trained Michael Jordan. He's the end all be all in coaches and everything right now. He's amazing. And I started watching his class about the BS that holds you back. His class was $38. I had $40 left to my name on a credit card. I opened my pantry. It was like, I really need to do something. But I was.
down to my last $40, not cash, on a credit card, looking at half a loaf of bread, half a jar of peanut butter. I said, obviously, what I'm doing is not working. This $40 means nothing. It's not going to last anything. I need to push the chips in on me and get his class. I got that class. I started to grow with him, built a relationship with him. I'm personally mentored by him. I took that knowledge with me when I went out on my journey, which I ended up living in a car because I just ran out of a place.
you know, to live and with the money situation, covering my bills, covering my business, I didn't have enough, so I would sleep in a car at a rest area for about two years while I built my business. And a lot of people like, why don't you ask a friend? Why don't you ask a family member? A lot of people around me didn't support me. They didn't understand my dream, that's fine. But at 35, I didn't feel it was anybody's responsibility to let me sleep on their couch. I felt like it was my responsibility to get the job done and keep going. And that's what I did, and that helped me build my business. I wrote an ebook.
that I pushed all the chips on. The first seminar I ever did, I pushed all the chips on and created my own. I didn't wait for anybody to put me on a stage. I put myself on a stage. I prayed about it. God made a way. I hustled. I built my business through Instagram with not a dollar. Just grinding through Instagram, grinding through videos, grinding through getting better, writing books, coaching people for free until I got paid, like improving myself, every day improving myself, trusting God and putting faith.
and actions together. Everybody's like, I'm going to manifest this and that. Yes, you have to have the right mindset. The Bible even says that life is like the power, life and death is in the tongue. You have to speak positive things. But at the same fact, faith without works is dead. If you want to look like the rock and you think you're going to sit on the couch eating Doritos and Cheetos and drinking soda and never hit the gym, you're fooling yourself. And like Proverbs says, you're going to inherit the wind. I'm not here to inherit the wind. I'm here to make an impact.
JEFF VULPIS (42:21.654)
I'm here to make a difference and I'm here to break generational curses.
Jey (42:25.621)
I love that man. And that's so true. You know, you have to, you have to support yourself and you have to put yourself out there. You have to bet on yourself, you know, and you have to also put that, you put your faith, you know, it's, there's no coincidence that, you know, you, when you had that, when you were down to that $40, you ran across that, that class. There's no coincidence that you were scrolling one day and you've seen all these things or you ran into these things. Like there's no coincidence. It's not, it's not just happenstance. It's not just, Oh, that's like,
JEFF VULPIS (42:33.773)
You do.
Jey (42:55.229)
interesting like what a coincidence. No there I personally I personally believe there's no coincidence coincidences in life everything 100% of everything that happens to you or around you or in your life happens for a reason it's all in it's all in the time it's supposed to happen it's all when it's supposed to happen how it's supposed to happen why it's supposed to happen you know that's just the way of the world that's just how it is there's no mistakes god makes no mistakes you know
JEFF VULPIS (42:56.762)
Yeah, that's funny. Yeah.
JEFF VULPIS (43:03.467)
Yeah.
Jey (43:23.785)
I had been doing this for a year, then all of a sudden you come across my page and we connect and no coincidence, no coincidence. The timing and everything, there's no coincidence. Because we both pray for different things and then paths collide with different people at different times for how they're supposed to collide. Personally, I had been praying more and more for my message to reach the right audiences and to be able to be a vessel.
If we're praying to be a vessel and we're praying for opportunities to share faith and to share his name, those are going to come and we have to take advantage of those and make the most of those opportunities and whatnot. I have a great time doing so. And so it's a good time. Is it for everyone? Is everyone's cup of tea? No. Am I everyone's cup of tea? Absolutely not. And I'm okay with it. I don't want to be your cup of tea if this isn't your cup of tea. There's other episodes. There's more episodes to come.
JEFF VULPIS (44:14.939)
Right.
Jey (44:20.805)
There's different things for everyone. That's why there's episode descriptions. You can always skip an episode, or you don't have to listen to it. You can just scrub through it to support still and do your thing. But it's not for everyone. But just to wrap up here as we go into the end here, it's been a great conversation. I wanted to end here with the YDP3. The first one of the YDP3 is where are you rooted? And that can be.
Physically rooted like where you live or just where do your roots run? Kind of thing so I'm sure you've heard that phrase before
JEFF VULPIS (44:56.298)
Yeah, definitely a hundred percent rooted in Jesus Christ because it's just total peace. It's when you know, when it comes to spiritually, he died on the cross for me. When it comes to wealth, he walks on streets of gold. When it comes to what am I going to do? There's the living word of the Bible. There's trust. There's he will never leave me or forsake me with the story. It's not me. You know, with my story, it's not me. Oh, I'm a victim. No. But have I been left and screwed by a lot of people? Yes. Have I been done wrong by a lot of people? Yes. But who's there to pick up?
those pieces who's there to overcome that pain? Jesus. So if I can heal and get better and then turn around and help the world with God's Word and with what I do with mindset, that helps me. But that all started by me being rooted in my faith with Jesus.
Jey (45:40.459)
21% and what grounds you?
Jey (45:45.505)
Like when you find yourself worked up or having a bad day or needing to kind of come back down just to reality, what grounds you? What kind of things do you do to ground yourself?
JEFF VULPIS (45:58.358)
I have to take my foot out of my butt, man, because I really kick myself in the butt with stuff. I'm like, there's more to do, there's more to do. Hustle, grind, hustle, grind. And I remember that I don't put that pressure on myself. I say, are you putting the wrong kind of pressure on yourself? Jesus rode away in a boat. Jesus went and prayed in the garden in sweat drops of blood. Jesus even went away to refuel and refresh himself. You have to stop and say, okay, am I trying to take God's job? Am I doing too much? Am I being hard on myself? If I...
go and create $400 million worth of wealth and then I have a heart attack from the stress and anger and pain, it's not gonna mean anything. It's just gonna be thrown away. So it's like, why am I doing this? I'm doing this to represent God. I'm doing this to make a difference to people. I'm doing this, you know, for people to say, hey, Jeff went through the same thing and he turned around and did it. You know, I have peerless on my neck and that means like no other. That means that I'm okay.
Jey (46:33.721)
Hmm.
JEFF VULPIS (46:53.13)
with having a different story. I'm okay with having a different path, but I trust Jesus and I keep moving on.
Jey (46:59.261)
I love that man. And you have to, sometimes you do have to really check yourself. You have to be able to point that finger inwards and look at yourself and be like, well, what am I doing? Am I doing too much? You know, I think you gave the perfect example. Like if I make $400 million worth of wealth and then I die of a heart attack, that wealth is great. Like my kids will inherit it. My, you know, my significant other will inherit it. But you know, yeah, they have money, but they don't have me.
JEFF VULPIS (47:10.699)
Yeah.
JEFF VULPIS (47:27.115)
Right.
Jey (47:27.701)
That's what's most important, you know, to the people who are around you that do love you, that do care about you, because there are people, no matter how you feel, this is going out to listeners. Like there are going to be people, there are people around you who love and care about you that need you around. This world's better with you in it than you overworking yourself and burning yourself out and being cold and unattentive and not present, you know, fully present when you're around those that you love and care about. So, you know, I think that's a great way to think about it.
and to ground yourself. And then lastly, this is a heavy question. What advice do you have for the guy that's in a really dark place that is going through it can't get out of it. That just feels like they're ready to give up. What advice are you giving to that person that came to you and they're like, look, Jeff, like, I'm stuck, like, I feel dark, I feel miserable. I'm stuck. I can't get out of it. I need help. Like what
Tell me something that's gonna change and help me get through this right now.
JEFF VULPIS (48:32.354)
Right, what I would do is first is tell them about the love of God and to trust God and I pray with them and then I'd help them work on their mindset. I say, okay, if you're feeling like that, you don't need to add anything. You need to stop and chill for a second. Stop and take a break for a second. Breathe and it's almost like after a storm and you know people like I lose everything but I had this picture of my family but I had my favorite doll but I had this and it's what do you have? After you stop and breathe, look around what do you have?
Don't focus on the million things that have to be done, everything, you don't have everything going wrong. Focus on the one thing that you can pick up and move forward with in a positive way. And I would help them say, look, what you're gonna focus on moving forward is one thing at a time and one thing at a time. And you slowly get back and slowly get back in the fight and slowly get back to living your life, but you have to rebuild that one step at a time. And to do that, you have to have faith, you have to stop and breathe, you have to reshift your mindset.
Focus on the one thing don't worry about everything you did now. It's not the time to handle everything It's time to handle the one thing so I would tell them focus on the one thing you do have Positive and move forward with that and start the rebuilding process
Jey (49:41.593)
I love that man. That's so simple and it's having that attitude of gratitude. You know, what do you have right now? Because I feel like people get so caught up in trying to chase the next thing, get the next thing, look forward, try to plan the next phase. And we very rarely do we ever stop and just be like, look, I still have a roof over my head. I still got clean clothes, food in the fridge. Like I still have the things I need. Like I still have my Bible, I still have my phone.
JEFF VULPIS (49:49.345)
Right.
Jey (50:11.833)
Still working, still have a job. Things aren't perfect, but I have enough to manage right now. So then more is coming, more is coming, so.
JEFF VULPIS (50:19.767)
Right.
JEFF VULPIS (50:23.134)
Right. And that's how I got through the car today. People like, how'd you make it almost two years in a car? Like I could never make it in two years cars. I didn't try to make it two years in a car. I tried to make it one moment at a time, one moment at a time. And I built my way out by doing that one moment at a time. When you overload the mind, it does nothing but shut down. So use the power of your mind and you do that by clearing it and taking one step at a time, one moment at a time.
Jey (50:45.177)
Exactly, exactly. Well, Jeff, it's been a pleasure having you, man. I appreciate it. Tell the people where they can find more of you.
JEFF VULPIS (50:51.384)
Thank you.
Jeff Opus on every platform. I'm heavy on Instagram. I'm on Facebook and tik-tok But yeah, it's pretty much at Jeff Opus jefff VULP is on Instagram every day and thank you for having me on your show Jay Thank you for the work that you do with your message with how you help dads how you help people how you spread God's word and love I really admire everything that you're doing right now
Jey (51:17.481)
Appreciate that man. And thank you so much for what you do to like your platform again. That's Jeff. Jeff V as in Victor ULP as in pineapple I s as in Sanchez I don't know the phonetic alphabet at all, but Just for some of those harder ones, there's two Fs F isn't Frank
JEFF VULPIS (51:35.646)
Yeah.
Jey (51:42.773)
You can find him on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and TikTok. He is most active on Instagram. I can attest to that and confirm. Great stuff going out over there. He's active every day. Lots of great content coming out for him. So make sure you go and drop and give him a follow. And I appreciate your kind words. I really do. And thank you again for coming on. It's much appreciated.
JEFF VULPIS (51:49.463)
Yeah.
JEFF VULPIS (52:01.099)
My pleasure.
Jey (52:08.385)
The audience hit their Q today. Look at them. So proud.
DESCRIPTON
It's a change of pace today; Jeff isn't a dad; however, he is a man who has a fantastic story to share with you today. Today, you'll hear us talk about mindset, overcoming obstacles, never giving up, the power of the mind, and how his faith led him to where he is today. So, get comfy, put the straw in your juice box, open your snack, and let's talk. Today, we explored mindset, perspective, overcoming obstacles, and never giving up each vital topic for each father to know and discuss. We had a fantastic discussion on how faith has impacted our journeys and how the power of the mind can help you break past changes. Enjoy. Find more of Jeff: Jeff Vulpis on IG Jeff Vulpis On FB Jeff Vulpis On Youtube Jeff Vulpis On TikTok From Your Hosts- Jey and Aaron: Jey is a published Children's book Author! Yes, our very own! Check out his book- A Baseball Game with Dad, LIVE on Amazon right now! https://a.co/d/6ZXYGGr We partnered with Fore Fathers Clothing; click the link, read the story, and you will only leave the website with a new polo for yourself or a dad you love. https://snwbl.io/fore-fathers/Youngdad JOIN US over on the Young Dad Podcast- Facebook Page. We would love it if you followed and supported us as we grow and expand the Podcast. Spotify Listeners: Ask us ANYTHING, and we will answer it on our next show. Also, leave five stars if you would be so kind. YouTube Audience: Hit that subscribe button, like the video, comment, and share. Apple Podcasters: Leave a 5-star rating and a review for us to read on our next show. Other Platform: Rate, review, comment, and share the Podcast with a friend. Follow us @youngdadpod on YouTube, Instagram, Twitter You can find us on our website at ballboymedia.com Remember to hit our linktree for all our deals: https://linktr.ee/BallBoyBlog.