In this episode, Jay interviews Sophie Schauermann, a holistic parenting coach and therapist. They discuss Sophie's journey to becoming a parent coach and her work with highly sensitive children. They also explore the concept of conscious parenting and the importance of play therapy in supporting children's emotional well-being. Sophie shares her personal experience with miscarriage and the power of experiential healing. The conversation highlights the significance of tapping into the unconscious mind and the role it plays in parenting and personal growth. In this conversation, Sophie Schauermann and Jey discuss various aspects of conscious parenting and the challenges faced by parents. They emphasize the importance of forgiveness and self-love as parents, acknowledging that parenting is a tough job and it's essential to be kind to oneself. They also discuss the concept of giving your best as a parent, recognizing that it's not always about giving 100% but rather giving as much as you can on any given day. The conversation touches on the importance of being rooted and grounded, as well as shifting expectations of parenthood. Finally, they express appreciation for emotionally aware dads and the work they do.
Takeaways
Holistic parenting coaching focuses on supporting highly sensitive children and their parents.
Play therapy is a powerful tool for helping children process emotions and experiences.
Conscious parenting involves parenting with awareness and personal growth.
Experiential healing and releasing emotions can be more effective than traditional talk therapy.
Tapping into the unconscious mind is essential for understanding and healing past traumas. Forgiveness and self-love are crucial for parents to navigate the challenges of parenting.
Giving your best as a parent means giving as much as you can on any given day.
Being rooted and grounded in your home and connecting with your soul can provide a sense of grounding.
Shifting expectations of parenthood and embracing the growth and stretching it brings can be powerful and protective for both parents and children.
Emotionally aware dads who do their own work and serve their community are commendable.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Gratitude
02:31 Sophie's Journey to Holistic Parent Coaching
05:44 The Importance of Play Therapy
09:30 The Creation of Sisterhood Meets Motherhood Podcast
19:53 Conscious Parenting and Highly Sensitive Children
26:22 The Power of Experiential Healing
34:16 Navigating Miscarriage and Emotional Healing
37:20 Tapping into the Unconscious Mind
39:10 The Importance of Forgiveness and Self-Love as Parents
41:15 Giving Your Best as a Parent
42:18 Where Are You Rooted? What Grounds You?
43:09 Shifting Expectations of Parenthood
44:21 Appreciation for Emotionally Aware Dads
Transcript: Jey (00:05.326)
Right, all right, all right, audience, settle down, settle down. Welcome into another episode of the Young Dad podcast. I'm Jay and joining me today is Sophie Schauerman. Sophie, how are you today?
Sophie Schauermann (00:17.112)
I'm good. It's early here in Colorado, but it's been awesome to connect with you even for a few moments and talk about both being in the behavioral mental health field and parents and I'm just really grateful that you are having me here today.
Jey (00:33.218)
I'm super grateful that you're here. It's early over here in Washington state too. So, but early bird gets the worm, right? Early bird gets a good recording. This is where I feel my ideas are best. They come a little slower, but they're a little bit more filtered and a little bit more thought out at this time in the morning. So.
Sophie Schauermann (00:49.616)
Yeah, and it's in my mom body. It's more like midday because I had a 5am wake up for my stepson and a lot has already and another meeting like a lot has already happened today. I feel like there's like multiple days in one day.
Jey (00:59.662)
Yeah, you're already... Yeah, that's so relatable. Especially when you have a three-year-old that wakes up at, I don't even know what hour of the night sometimes. She's almost done potty training, she's almost gotten it down to where she needs to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. So she's on like five out of seven nights a week where she either gets up or she wakes up dry. Then there's a couple nights where she just wakes up, comes in my room holding her underwear and her pajama pants.
Sophie Schauermann (01:28.864)
I don't know.
Jey (01:29.742)
just up, she's not crying, she's just coming to let me know that she peed herself. And yeah, she just wanted to let me know. And so it's like, okay, just go, go to the bathroom and go lay back down in bed. So, but eventually after that.
Sophie Schauermann (01:35.124)
Oh, she just wants to let you know. Yep.
Sophie Schauermann (01:45.116)
There's barely a yeah, there's really important information that needs to be shared in the middle of the night. I think my stepson this morning just needed to let us know that his stuffies had fallen off his bed. And it was important that we knew that the tragedy.
Jey (01:56.568)
Oh no!
Jey (02:00.706)
Yeah, you gotta know, you gotta know, but Sophie, it's tragic, it's rough for people like kids. But Sophie, a little about you for the listeners if they skipped over the intro, I'm guilty of skipping over intros on podcasts. Never yours though, never yours. You believe pineapple goes on pizza, you're a wife, a stepmom, mom, a sister, a therapist, and you're also a holistic parenting coach.
Sophie Schauermann (02:08.128)
I know.
Sophie Schauermann (02:18.504)
Thank you.
Jey (02:31.014)
So please tell me, tell myself, the people, how you got started on your journey of holistic parent coaching, your motherhood journey, and just how, also you're the cohost of Sisterhood Meets Motherhood. If you couldn't tell by the intro, that's kind of where she's coming from, but tell us about how you got started on this journey, your motherhood journey got started, and a little bit about rooted rhythm therapy as well.
Sophie Schauermann (02:58.6)
Absolutely. A lot of things are happening. I think my journey as a therapist and a parent coach came from my own journey as a sensitive person. I was a super sensitive, intuitive, anxious little girl and for a long time felt sort of confused about who I was because I did feel so deeply. And that led to my own struggles with mental health, which I share in different ways on
our podcast, Sisterhood Meets Motherhood, the podcast I have with my sister-in-law, which we can talk a little bit more about later. But I'm so grateful for the journey into the depths that I went through because as I healed and grew and became the most authentic version of myself, I knew from when I was 17 or 18 that I wanted to be a therapist. And I went to undergrad at Tufts in Boston and pretty much got like a graduate degree as an undergraduate studying child development.
in a lab school where I would literally get to like from day one observe kids on the playground and write papers about how they're interacting. And there was also a clinical psych program there which had me in a practicum placement in undergrad working at a pretty severely like with like a population that was pretty severely suffering in East Boston in a day program. I got to work with the Harvard.
mental health lab for children, studying cognitive behavioral techniques for different emotional things, and then eventually landed in grad school to become a master's social worker. And just a journey of figuring out knowing that I've been a therapist since day one, but figuring out who I am and how I work with clients. I did a little bit of work in the agency world and in schools as a school-based and home-based and outpatient therapist.
And then as I became fully licensed, I realized that in order to do the work to the depths that I believe children can really grow, not just survive, like not just cope and have their parents feel okay, but to like really be understood and seen and go through deep healing to feel more understood and whole. I needed to support kids in a private practice setting. So.
Sophie Schauermann (05:20.168)
as I stepped into private practice. And along that time, I became a certified play therapist. So I really had a modality of child-centered play therapy, which could be a whole podcast in itself of discussing what that is. Yeah, yeah.
Jey (05:34.482)
100% I love I love play therapy. I'm a big believer in play therapy art therapy and just sensory based therapy approaches. I'm a huge fan, huge fan, huge believer in those.
Sophie Schauermann (05:41.268)
Totally.
Totally. The short of it is that kids will communicate to you through play, not words. So if we give them space to play out what's happening inside, they can just process a lot more effectively. But what I developed that I think is different than a lot of my colleagues is that I realized pretty quickly that I need to work really closely with the parents in order for real change to happen. So equally as important to our play therapy process, which happens actually in...
set containers over 12 weeks where we can go really deep, but not necessarily be the child's long-term attachment figure. We want their parents to be that. So me and my team of therapists work really hard to bridge the space between the child's heart and subconscious pains and struggles and triumphs with the parent's heart and consciousness. And so we just work really closely to help parents understand what's happening for their child.
through what they're communicating to us through the play and then do their own inner work in healing to see how they can increase their capacity to hold what the child's going through. And there's so much more I could say, but all of that is to say it's a really depth oriented and holistic approach to supporting parents and their children. And I'm super excited. Just over the last few months, we've actually expanded our practice to...
Atlanta, Georgia, Dallas, Texas, and Greenwich, Connecticut, in addition to Denver. So our team of therapists that are learning how to support kids in a rooted and rhythmic way is growing. And I'm really excited about all of that. And then when it comes to the podcast with my sister-in-law, I married my husband.
Sophie Schauermann (07:33.108)
We've been together three and a half years. We got married last summer. We actually met to run a conscious parenting group. I've been in this space for a while and he was having a career shift from being a bookkeeper at a hospital to a therapist. Like he realized that he really wanted more and we were introduced because he was interested in conscious parenting. I think I tell our story throughout the podcast, but yeah, we.
We, I think, grew together really quickly. He was in the process of getting divorced. I had no interest in being with, I was like, with the work I do, that sounds like a lot to be with someone who's like shifting careers and has children. But turns out I fell in love with him and his kids. And along the way, it was an amazing bonus that his sister became one of my best friends in the world, Kendra. And we just, I mean, our podcast, Sisterhood Meets Motherhood, really.
Jey (08:15.739)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (08:30.588)
shows the connection that we have. And like, the easiest thing that I've created in all of this has been that podcast. It's been like, so effortless. We just were getting our nails done last summer and chatting and we realized that the other women in the salon were listening to our conversation. And it was like, we had like no shame. We were like, I think we were both crying about whatever was happening in our life at the time.
And we realized maybe we should just broadcast these conversations. Maybe it could support people to feel as like as entrepreneurs and moms and. Just in our messiness. What if we just shared? Um, and we just started recording our conversations and we don't have anyone like helping us do it. We just like, I'm sure you too, like it's like a self guided thing. We just figured out how to upload it and push audio together and.
Jey (08:57.273)
Uh huh.
Sophie Schauermann (09:24.936)
Now it's kind of like our therapy when we get to come together and have these conversations.
Jey (09:30.85)
Yes, 100%. So I love that. I love what you do for like work, cause I'm in the same field as I've talked about on the show multiple times. And it's so interesting because when I work a lot closer with the parents and I do the youth for most of my families on my caseload. And so when I actually see a full on conscious change by the parents or by the caregivers and they're actually like doing the work and they're actually like.
participating, they're actually trying to make the changes. Like I have one grandma, she's been, she's an old Scottish lady and she's hilarious. She's the best. But when I first took over that case and whatnot, she was like, oh, I'm like, I told her we're gonna get along great, we're gonna have a good time. She's like, oh, we'll see. And it's very first time it was just so negative. It was so hard to get to her. It was so hard just to talk to her because she was so just like.
It's the kid, it's the kid, it's the kid, it's the kid. When all she really needed was just like some psycho education, she needed to understand these different diagnoses and what they meant for her youth and how to just understand them. And then with that, she was able to realize, oh, I need to pick my battles more. But also, this isn't her talking right now. This is related to her one disorder, or this is related to that.
So I can't, I had to breathe. Can't get mad at her for this because this is just how she is. I just have to accept that and love that. And once she started doing that, it's been nothing but positive. They communicate, they talk, they get along. It's just a beautiful, beautiful thing. So parents, it's so important for you guys, if your kid's having behaviors, or not always, but a lot of the time, there's a correlation there between the parents and the youth that are struggling to...
Sophie Schauermann (11:07.712)
Hmm. Yeah.
Jey (11:26.654)
understand like, hey, it's also it's also me. There's something I need to work on to worth here with my parenting as well, at least my experience personally, but what you said, you know, as well about your podcast, how it kind of just started as conversations like mine and my brothers, how we started this one is we would just we were playing video games. So we've been playing Madden or 2k or Modern Warfare, we'd be playing these games online. And it actually was during my
Sophie Schauermann (11:31.954)
Yeah.
Sophie Schauermann (11:36.052)
Absolutely.
Jey (11:53.866)
Toward the end of my marriage where we really started doing it more often having just hours of conversation talking gaming my kid was already in bed, you know before my second one was born and We would just do it. We talked like dude This would be you know, it's be such a cool podcast be so fun to do something like that And then I got divorced and then my whole world kind of blew up. I didn't do anything creative for I Don't know maybe a year and a half. I did nothing creative And then about a year ago
It's been a little bit more than a year, probably about a year and a half now by the time this episode actually comes out of doing this podcast and where the idea came from. So it kind of just happened. It's a lot of fun, but it's self-guided and you know, it's so important to take the steps and I'm a big fan of play therapy and introducing that because it's so important to, sorry, my dogs are going crazy, but it's so important.
Sophie Schauermann (12:50.185)
Hmm
Jey (12:52.438)
I had to grab this little one because he's the instigator with the big dog. He's the instigator. Um, so with that, you know, you have to play therapy is one of my favorite things because it gives, I think it's really good for adults to engage in as well. Like I've had sessions with parents where we'll, we'll play a game and
Sophie Schauermann (12:55.92)
Mmm, he's like, cutie. Aww, cutie.
Sophie Schauermann (13:13.1)
Okay. See ya.
Jey (13:18.51)
It'll be a game and I'll ask specific questions or I'll do certain things. Like if we're playing Uno, for example, I'll try to do something or like cheat or something just to see their reaction and see how they get upset or whatnot. So you can do a lot of really cool things through play and through play therapy and get a lot out. One of the therapists I worked with, he has his office set up with a shelf. He has
Sophie Schauermann (13:35.561)
Out of it.
Jey (13:43.27)
some really cool like figurines and whatnot on the top. But as soon as kids come in and they reach for them, it's like, oh, you can't touch those. As those are off limits, you can't touch those. He does it on purpose because he wants to see how they're gonna react to being told no. So then that opens up the doorway to the conversation of, so it just flows into the next thing. But for you, in your journey and,
Sophie Schauermann (13:54.208)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. And some vitamin N.
Sophie Schauermann (14:02.956)
Totally.
Sophie Schauermann (14:07.072)
Yeah.
Jey (14:12.062)
The other thing I wanted to mention here is you sounded just like my now fiancee. Because she had the same thoughts, you know, she's a preschool teacher. And my daughter was actually in, my oldest daughter was in her class a couple years ago. And then after that school year, she left preschool, went to kindergarten. So she was no longer in the class and then slid into her DMs at the end of the school year. But that was kind of where she was too, you know, she was like, I don't...
She's like, I don't have kids. I'm really into my work as a teacher and I don't know about this. Like she was just so against it for a while. And then eventually we just fell for each other. I got her to fall for me. She loves me, she loves the kids.
Sophie Schauermann (14:49.008)
Yep.
Sophie Schauermann (15:00.508)
How does she get along with your girls?
Jey (15:03.978)
Oh, I think it really helped that she knew my older one and had her in her class for a year. So I think that was really beneficial just to the situation. And then she didn't really know the baby because the baby was really little. She was like one when the other one was in preschool. So, but she gets along with the girls great. The girls love her. My older one loves her. Cause I mean, it's just someone she already knew. So it's a really easy transition into
Sophie Schauermann (15:07.935)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (15:20.116)
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (15:30.161)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (15:34.182)
kind of like life and with my co-parent, with their mom, because it's like, oh, okay, I know this person already, so no bad flags here, no red flags here. So it's been really good. We got engaged about two months ago at the time of this recording. So maybe we'll be married or something by the time this actually comes out, who knows? But yeah, super fun times. But no, I was like, that sounds familiar.
Sophie Schauermann (15:50.868)
Congrats!
Sophie Schauermann (16:04.24)
Yeah, you know, yeah. Yeah. Um, being a stepparent is the hardest thing I've ever done, but so rewarding. And it's really nice to feel the process of like closeness and then not sure and all of us really choosing each other. But when we got married last summer, I shared vows to my now husband and my step kids. And it was like so sweet. I like made Yeah, commitments and
Jey (16:05.174)
But it's really fun.
Sophie Schauermann (16:32.86)
agreements with them and the little one who was four at the time, like I, you know, I don't know how much he took in the older one was actually like, hugging us and crying with us, even though there's been you know, it's a journey for her too, because she knows what it was like to have mom and dad together and misses that chapter in her life. But I know, like, yeah, it was just a really cool process of like sharing my commitment to them too. Because when you become a stepparent, you're, you're not just committing to
your spouse, you're committing to one or two or however many other little souls too. And yeah, they definitely like I know that day was an energetic, really important shift for all of us.
Jey (17:14.414)
Yeah, 100%. And I think it's healing for my older daughter. Obviously my little one, she's grown up in the divorce. I mean, she was five months old when we split. So she was real little. We split in April 21. She was born November 20. So she's grown up with it, you know, the last two and a half years or whatever that is now. But the older one, you know, she grew up with us together.
Sophie Schauermann (17:20.181)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (17:26.948)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (17:39.436)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Jey (17:42.722)
and she's had a lot of changes like the dog that she grew up with passed away two years ago um and so and then she still you know holds on to the collars and the leashes and has them in her bed with her of the old dog and whatnot but i think it's i think it's really positive for her to kind of see because her mom moved on right away but for me you know this is the most committed relationship i've been in since
Sophie Schauermann (17:47.477)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (17:53.44)
Hmm...
Sophie Schauermann (18:04.5)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (18:11.87)
my divorce and I think it's really healing for her just to see like see me happy and to see that dynamic shift again and to have that energy and whatnot and to not see me just kind of there and struggling or not have the energy all the energy needed to support them and what they need and then they have another person that they love and play with and are supported by. I'm pretty much top liver now but you know.
Sophie Schauermann (18:20.053)
Hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (18:40.504)
Mm hmm. That's awesome. Yeah, it's such a different and unique journey for any parent that's going through divorce and other relationships and blending with the kids. And but I think that it's kind of the percentage of how many families are blended now is really high. And I also work with a lot of families that are what's the word like just not blended the nuclear family.
both parents are the biological parents to the children and they have their own set of challenges. So I just try to think about like, no matter what family dynamic you might be in, there's like challenge and benefit to the circumstances.
Jey (19:25.439)
So I wanted to ask you about a little bit more because your therapy is very focused, you mentioned it, but working with like highly sensitive children and also conscious parenting. So break it down for me, what is conscious parenting? I don't know, but what is conscious parenting like for the listeners? Break it down for them and then also what it means to them to be able to recognize if they have...
Sophie Schauermann (19:38.464)
Totally.
Jey (19:53.302)
a highly sensitive child.
Sophie Schauermann (20:00.3)
Uh, the recording just cut out for a moment, but I think I got it. Um, can you hear me? Okay.
Jey (20:06.478)
Yep, I can hear you. We're good. All that silence will come out later.
Sophie Schauermann (20:11.684)
Okay, awesome. So, um, with so yeah, I do specialize in highly sensitive children, I didn't always label my practice as such. But when I look back on the thousands of kids that I've supported in the playroom, I started to identify that they all have you a sort of unique temperament and that they're really deep feelers. Sometimes that's internalized, like anxiety or negative self talk or thoughts.
sometimes that's externalized with like anger or defiance, but I seem to attract kids that just like felt really deeply and seem to pick up energy from their environments that wasn't always theirs, and who were generally misunderstood or misdiagnosed when like, when as they were moving through the healing process and growing and learning how to create boundaries and respect boundaries and regulate.
they actually really thrived. I knew that there needed to be more than just a diagnosis from the diagnostic manual for these kids. And as I started to dive deeper into some research, I found Dr. Elaine Aron's work on the highly sensitive child. And it's like decades of research on what she's found to be 15 to 20% of the population who just feel more deeply. She breaks it down into a few different categories and there's like...
If you dive into any of my content, I have like a bigger transformational course or even just a mini course on understanding the highly sensitive child. I share like research studies and like really what's happening in the brain, but the components of the sensitive person are a depth of processing. So there's like just for the sensitive person, if they're in a room with people, they're like in a really deep way processing.
more than the nonsensitive person. And quite literally, the thalamus in the brain, which is the gatekeeper to information, is allowing in more information than the nonsensitive person. There's a pattern of being overstimulated easily, which in other words, like outbursts and overwhelm, but that's also because so much information is coming in. There's patterns of being emotionally responsive and empathetic. So another way of saying kind of like emotionally reactive, but
Sophie Schauermann (22:31.904)
There's also high levels of empathy. I mean, not always in young kids, empathy really develops around age eight, but when it is developed, it's like bigger and stronger and they feel others' pain. And then there's an ability to sense the subtle. So sensitive kids will pick up on tension between parents who are fighting chaos in the world. You know, like with my sensitive stepdaughter, I knew she was feeling, at the time of this recording,
war has just broken out in Israel. And I knew I had family there and like have had a weekend of like real depth of processing and concern and sadness for the whole situation. And I knew she was feeling it. So like in her case, I had to like it was just a parenting choice to actually explain to her what was going on in an age appropriate way. And it was like, by actually sharing the truth of what was happening for me internally, she just like totally grounded.
But I think when we don't share, when we don't meet the depths that sensitive kids are like experiencing their world, there can be just a lot of top layer symptoms. So our work when it comes to how we support children, but then also how we teach parents to understand their children is really focused on these children. And the like classic parenting scripts and...
you know, go to Instagram techniques don't work for those kids because they can see right through it. They're like, wait, why are you you're like reading a script, mom, we I teach parents like how to really energetically set boundaries, how to reduce any shame from their parenting, because sensitive kids hold shame and vulnerability like right next to each other. And like, we'll just shut down if they feel any shaming kind of discipline. But I but at the same time, I teach the importance of boundaries for sensitive kids, because they need to know the limits. It's
dysregulating not to know the limits. And then I also teach parents like how to consciously attune to their sensitive child in a way that they can feel, which isn't always easy. Sometimes attuning to your sensitive child is like playing a game where you feel like you're just doing wrong the whole time because that's how they're feeling or whatever. I just teach that attunement doesn't necessarily look like skipping in the field of flowers. And then sometimes you get those moments because
Sophie Schauermann (24:54.548)
sensitive kids have big pendulum swings from like darkness and everything's horrible to like, it's the best day of my life. And so I also help parents set realistic expectations of what those swings might look like for their children. And then when it comes to conscious parenting, it's really, to me, conscious parenting is just parenting with awareness and parenting while on the path of personal growth. So it means like being willing to look at your subconscious and look at your shadow parts and...
own your own triggers. So when your child's behavior is triggering you, there's something inside of you that needs to grow and shift and is really a gift for you to increase your capacity to meet life. And when we're pointing our finger at the child and making them wrong, I just believe we're looking in the wrong place and it's not even effective. So I attract parents to my work that are ready to turn the finger back on themselves and look at like when my five year old is like,
freaking out with anger, where have I not set clear boundaries? Where do I not feel comfortable with anger and feel scared of it? And then I push my child away and then they get more angry. Whatever it is, like what can I shift as parent to increase my capacity to hold the anger? And then we actually see easier emotional expression for the child. But when I used to work in more of the mental health system and community-based care,
our treatment plans like over and over again would have to say like supporting emotional regulation. And now my treatment plans say like, we're supporting healthy emotional expression because our sensitive kids need to express and they need to feel, but we don't, we learn, we teach them how to move it through and honor the wisdom of their feelings instead of squashing it down.
Jey (26:34.93)
Thanks for watching!
Jey (26:49.41)
I love that because it's.
You're exactly right because it's when we talk emotional regulation, it is squashing it down. Even for less sensitive children, we tell them just to regulate and to breathe or to use A, B or C coping skill to bring yourself back down, but it doesn't get it out. There's no outlet for it. So then it just stays in and it's still there. All that energy still within your body. It's not coming out.
Sophie Schauermann (26:58.868)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (27:18.709)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (27:19.398)
We have a lot of, I have a lot of boys in the program, a lot of young boys in the program, and some of them are very highly physical and highly outbursty and destructive. And they call it, they're violent. That's the other word I was looking for. And so for them, it almost doesn't make sense for us to be, like you just mentioned, I'm putting it together in real time here, but doesn't make sense for us.
teach emotional coping skills versus being able to help them find a way to express that in a healthy manner. Because that's more what they need. They need to get it out.
Sophie Schauermann (27:56.316)
Yeah, what I do with those boys, when I haven't had one in a while, but when my favorite exercise with those kinds of kiddos are we take a glass plate and we write on the plate, like everything that pisses them off, cuss words, whatever you want. And then we put it in two pillowcases and we go outside and smash it. And like, it's like there's space for it. And it's okay to have that feeling. But then I also open the bag and I say, like, you see those shards of glass? When you throw those on your brother, you're like,
being really dangerous and you're hurting him, even if it's just words. So break your glass, but be responsible in how you throw it away. And then we actually go and we responsibly throw it away. So it's like the feeling isn't wrong, there's space for it. And as you're cussing out the world and writing in Sharpie, all the things you have every right to be angry about, I'm totally beside you in it. And I'm also here to help you connect with what boundaries you need to learn to set in your life to not have to hold the, usually it's like,
other people's in their lives pain that's now living in their system. And it's still your responsibility because it lives inside your body of like where, like who it touches and how. But that's the difference between like, experiential process and just like sitting down with a worksheet to try to tell the child what you should think instead of feeling angry.
Jey (29:06.223)
harbor.
Jey (29:16.194)
Yeah, I think worksheets are effective for some kids, they're not effective for others. I think it helps kids who are really having a hard time verbalizing it, help them create a baseline or think about it to start the conversation. One of the other therapists I work with, one of the kids we have together, he's been trying to introduce just worksheets just to get the conversation started about grief or what's making them angry or different things like that to try to start working through them.
Sophie Schauermann (29:25.477)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (29:43.91)
And those are effective because he writes a lot on those sheets. And thinking about it, when you mentioned the pillowcase or anything down that piss you off a few weeks ago. And also this last weekend, I went and spoke. I've, we have this thing called Washington state community connectors. It's like this big organization and whatnot. It's a statewide thing. And I went and spoke and I presented a workshop at the, at the last thing they had, they invited me to come to a workshop. My workshop for that was.
On my website, it's called the Well-Balanced Dad Diet. I just changed dad to parent. And part of that, towards the end, a lot of that I talk about forgiveness. Talk about forgiving yourself as a parent, forgiving yourself, forgiving others, forgiving your kid. So one activity I have them do during that workshop is, so they each get a paper bag, they write tool bag on it, and as we talk, I ask them to put like different.
Sophie Schauermann (30:17.02)
Okay.
Sophie Schauermann (30:24.626)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (30:38.394)
big tools that they're really strong at, those are bigger pieces of paper, they write it down and put it in a tool bag. Smaller tools that they're getting that they want to work on, they put those in the tool bag as well. But they're still tools they can use, they're just not big ones. So they know kind of where their strengths and where their needs are from that. But with that, towards the end, I have them write down on a different piece of paper, something that someone, something...
Sophie Schauermann (30:51.697)
That's amazing.
Jey (31:05.114)
that they need to let go of, that they need to forgive, that they need to physically just, that's just bogging them down. They know it. And so I have them consciously do that. They write it down on that piece of paper. They bundle it up. And then at the end of the workshop, they throw it in the trash. And they physically let go of that because there's something with that. Actually, it was a friend of mine after my divorce, we went down to the river.
Sophie Schauermann (31:12.896)
Yeah.
Sophie Schauermann (31:22.729)
Mmm.
Jey (31:31.954)
because I live right next to the Columbia River here in the Tri-Cities in Washington. So we went down, it was a summer night, took two Sharpies and we went down to the river and we rode on rocks. And so this is where the idea came from. We just rode on rocks, just whatever we wanted to just physically let go of, whatever was there. There's a lot of crying, there's a lot of tears, mostly me, because this was like within a month of my divorce, so it was very fresh and it was hard, but there was something about that.
Sophie Schauermann (31:32.172)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (31:42.644)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (31:49.426)
Uh huh, uh huh.
Sophie Schauermann (31:53.708)
Uh huh. I just...
Jey (32:01.99)
And I understand why now, but being able to physically write it out, put it in your hand, and then for your body to feel like you're physically letting it go.
Sophie Schauermann (32:11.148)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, totally. It's so important to do the, like just yet to be in the ritual of the release and not just in our heads. And that's the whole premise of play therapy and any trauma therapy that I think actually works. It's like we're getting below the conscious mind because the things that hurt us are in the subconscious mind. And when we actually like, like leave the talking zone and go more into like the experiential release or whatever it is, like so much, so many powerful things happen. I...
Jey (32:12.794)
because you
Jey (32:36.274)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (32:40.256)
talking like one episode recently about within our sisterhood meets motherhood podcast about the miscarriage that I had over the summer. And like, just I think if it hasn't come out yet, it will soon. But yeah, I think it recently came out. And I think we were talking I think it was in the forgiveness episode, but I don't we I know we did one on forgiveness. But just the like I could talk about it. But it was like really going into the woods with same kind of thing with my husband and like,
releasing the soul and in gratitude to what moved through us that we're like the real integration and completion of that event happened. And so yeah, I'm just so for like experiential and active ways of healing and growing. And I also love that exercise sounds amazing. I love how you're encouraging parents to like also look what's happening in their system and what are they holding that's taking up space in their
consciousness that will impact their parents. And especially for the sensitive, empathetic, tuned in kids that I work with, they're picking up on everything. So it's just, yeah, I feel like even more important than kids coming to play therapy is their parents going to therapy to have their space to move through things and release and keep their, there's a Gabor Mate quote, children swim in the waters of your subconscious. It's best to keep the waters clean. And so, yeah, I think in,
Just to sum it up, conscious parenting is being a steward to the waters of your subconscious as a parent.
Jey (34:16.61)
And I'm so sorry that you and your husband experienced that process, that loss of a miscarriage. I spoke in depth about that on an episode, I believe it was episode 48 or 49 with Kelly Jean. He hosts the Welcome to Fatherhood podcast. And he also released the miscarriage dad podcast. And super powerful. Him and his wife. And he shared the story with me. But I won't go in.
Sophie Schauermann (34:39.552)
Wow, wow.
Jey (34:45.846)
You can listen to the podcast episode to get more. That's where the listeners go back to episode 48. Um, it's clearly labeled, but he talked about how him and his wife had. Two miscarriages had a child, two more miscarriages had another child. So they've experienced it several times. Now the second one they're done. Um, but it's, it's something that just weighs on you. I personally, I haven't experienced that. Um, God willing I don't, but.
Sophie Schauermann (34:48.352)
Yeah.
Sophie Schauermann (34:58.689)
Mm-hmm. Wow.
Sophie Schauermann (35:06.064)
It's got goosebumps, yeah, totally.
Jey (35:14.83)
you know, if it does happen, it does, but it's deep, it's hard, it's not easy, you know, it's, and it's a two way street, you know, there's a part of it, of course, for you as a mother, because that's something that's happening within your body to your body. So it's emotional and physical for you. But there's also the side of it for, for the, for the male as well that needs to have that part of it as well to that space to get through it to talk about it, to work through it.
Sophie Schauermann (35:32.481)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (35:44.082)
to, because it's a loss on both ends. And Mm hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (35:47.5)
Mm-hmm, totally. It's a journey. Yeah.
Jey (35:54.086)
But I love how you talk about being a steward of the waters and that unconscious mind tapping into that unconscious mind because that's where the trauma is formed. You know, the traumatic events may have happened. We may not remember them, but our brain's gonna remember them. The wrinkles in our brain have been created now to wear smells or colors or sights or someone's hair color, someone's voice tone, someone's, you know, the color of their shirt.
Sophie Schauermann (36:04.332)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (36:09.191)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (36:20.518)
Thank you.
Jey (36:22.662)
color of their hair, the length of their hair, whatever it might be, however the trigger might be, it's still gonna be there. But that's what's in the unconscious mind, which I think is so important through play therapy to get through to that deeper level, because you need to tap into that unconscious mind because that's where it is. And it's super important for us as parents, we're able to, and adults, we're able to do that a little bit easier. It's hard, it's really hard, but...
Sophie Schauermann (36:23.282)
and
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (36:29.28)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (36:38.089)
Mm-hmm. Excellent.
Sophie Schauermann (36:48.076)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (36:51.222)
getting into that unconscious mind, we have to go, I find myself, at least from me and my experience and my personal experience, I have to ask myself why a lot? Why am I feeling this? Okay, it can relate back to that. Why am I feeling it this way? Because of this. Okay, I'm feeling it because of this way. And I'm trying to backtrack in my own mind, where this is coming from. Why, where this is coming from. And then I'm really able to tap in a little bit deeper. It's like, okay, I
Sophie Schauermann (37:00.797)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (37:13.517)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (37:20.342)
Feeling this way because I when I was four years old my biological mother problems for example something in the past my biological mother promised me a gift and So that gift never came and then it happened again when I was seven and happened again when I was ten So fast forward all the way to today. I have a really hard time receiving gifts because I Don't know if it's for real if it's actually gonna happen
Sophie Schauermann (37:28.864)
Hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (37:35.322)
Uh...
Sophie Schauermann (37:39.413)
Mm-hmm.
You don't know if it's real. Yeah. Yeah, like you don't know if you can trust it that it's there. Like it'll stay or if it's real. Yeah, it's a real thing. I mean, I try. I how do I say this? Like, in some ways where I am in my work, I like, I think we can also like overanalyze every moment and be like, where in my childhood did this come from? And it's funny coming from a child therapist that is focused on doing inner child work with people. So I also like in
So, but I think it's, I think as the conscious parent, you can like be, have your arms open and holding and hugging all the younger parts of yourself in any moment. Like, so you're like, oh, this is like my little, that's just my inner six year old speaking, but that we stay empowered and not then being in like the victim story of like, well, my little girl's hurting and my child's triggering it. Like I really, I think that's the parent coaching piece versus the therapy piece for me is I'm coaching parents to choose an empowered stance and own their stuff.
Jey (38:20.647)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (38:39.686)
Yes.
Sophie Schauermann (38:40.624)
Yeah. And so like, it's just the awareness. Like I was having a grumpy moment with my stepson the other day, because I felt like, I don't even remember what like he wasn't listening or something. And I know, I know I was a little bit grumpier than usual. And I turned to my husband, and I was like, I know I'm projecting right now. But it's just all I got, you know, it's like, at least I have the awareness of like, I'm projecting some of my overwhelm. And as long, my opinion is, as long as there's repair, like, pretty quickly after my stepson and I like,
got super connected and I said like, that was all me. Like that was me feeling impatient. Like you, you're not doing anything wrong. Then we can like keep the waters of the relationship really clean and clear. But I just think that forgiveness piece and the self-love piece as parents is everything because it's freaking hard. Like it's free and we all have like purposes and passion and work to do in the world. And it's a double, triple time job to be a parent. And
and then you don't get sleep or whatever it is. And so I feel like if we could all just like, give ourselves a hug and a pat on the back and be okay with, there's a term, the good enough parent, like being the good enough parent, then we can relax into enjoying time with our kids more.
Jey (39:58.694)
100% and I think it's important to also realize that good enough looks like a day where you have 25% to give and you give all your 25% or it looks like a day where you have 96% you gave all 96% Like that's what it looks like It's not always giving up when you only have 25 giving 100 because that 75 that you're trying to give is gonna be awful It's gonna be bad. It'll be real bad it's not gonna work, but
Sophie Schauermann (40:06.956)
Yeah.
Sophie Schauermann (40:11.996)
Yes, yeah.
Sophie Schauermann (40:22.992)
Yeah. That's what Kendra, my sister-in-law, she literally said that last week. She was like, if you give 25% of the 25% you have, that's 100%. That's going to 100%.
Jey (40:33.986)
100% I think she listened to my pod. I think she listened to my podcast. She stole that from me Tell her tell her she stole that from me. Tell her she stole that from me maybe she didn't but I'm pretty sure she did but
Sophie Schauermann (40:38.636)
Oh, really? Okay, that's awesome. Okay. Great. Mine's single like where she stole it from you. I'll tell her either one. Okay, that's cool. She didn't put it on our podcast. This was like a personal selfie message. You know, it wasn't on the podcast as her own. Yeah.
Jey (40:48.402)
probably still look for me, it's cool, it's fine. Nothing's trademarked, but.
Okay, that's fine. She can, she can put it on the podcast. That's fine. It's not my original idea. I heard it somewhere else, but, um, but it's true, you know, give as much as you can give. It's 25% and the same with your relationship with your partner as well. You know, I heard this, I think it was from.
Sophie Schauermann (41:00.649)
Okay.
Sophie Schauermann (41:04.556)
So did.
Jey (41:15.886)
I don't remember who. It's the guy that hosts Family Feud. Can't remember. Steve Harvey.
Sophie Schauermann (41:20.555)
Mm-hmm. I don't... Okay. Totally. Thanks for watching!
Jey (41:24.49)
He said that he has some really good quotes and some really good relationship advice. But one thing he said is that he said really early on in him and his wife's relationship, they realized that when they had kids and whatnot, they would sit down and be like, how much do you have today? She would say, I got 25%. I got you covered. Or you got this much. I got you covered. I was like, oh, I only got 20. And so they would have to...
Sophie Schauermann (41:41.292)
Mm-hmm.
Jey (41:53.35)
figure out a plan to not kill each other that day and communicate. But just to wrap up here, let's quickly, we'll skip two of the YDP-3, we'll get, we'll wrap back to those. But normally the YDP-3 is three questions. Where are you rooted? What grounds you? But I guess here, the one that we ask all guests is.
Sophie Schauermann (41:55.616)
Mm-hmm.
Sophie Schauermann (42:14.765)
I can do those real quick. We're, okay.
Jey (42:18.126)
Okay, so where are you rooted? What grounds you? And then the third one is what advice do you have for a struggling mom or struggling parent that's in a really dark place to help them start to come out of that?
Sophie Schauermann (42:28.896)
Okay, I'm rooted in my home with my family amongst the trees of Colorado. What grounds me is...
Sophie Schauermann (42:40.084)
soul, like connecting with my soul and the deeper journey and the mission for being here. And what advice I have for struggling moms and dads is that you're not alone in the struggle. Like if anyone's telling you that they're not being stretched and grown as a parent, they're lying to you or they're lying to themselves. And that if we can just shift our expectations of what it means to be a parent, which is usually it's not how you thought it would be and it's like growing and stretching you like your kids will.
help you grow outside your comfort zones and that it's like, not only is it okay, but it's powerful and protective of your children to create containers of support for yourself. You have a financial advisor and a banker to manage your money. Why would we not have coaches and containers of support and put intentionality behind how we grow and how we're being in our parenting?
Jey (43:13.004)
I'm set.
Sophie Schauermann (43:38.888)
I'm super passionate about that. And I don't think it has to be like an hourly paid parent coach or even like the most expensive course. It could be listening to podcasts or having a journal where you reflect on your parenting each day, but bringing some intentionality and creating containers of support for the spoke on your wheel of humanity that is parenting to me is like drinking water and essential.
Jey (44:03.09)
I love that. I love that. Well, Sophie, thank you so much for the conversation today, for the insight, for going into highly sensitive children, conscious parenting, and for sharing more about yourself and your journey. And it was a pleasure having you. Super grateful. So thank you for the time. It's much appreciated.
Sophie Schauermann (44:21.152)
Thank you so much. It's amazing what you're doing and to be a dad that's emotionally aware and doing your own work and growing in this way and then also serving your community is such a beautiful thing. So I'm sure that your daughters are super proud daughters even when they're grumpy. And at the end of the day, just really see you as an amazing dad and it's awesome to connect. And I hope maybe you can come on our podcast sometime. And yeah, just awesome to connect here. Thank you so much.
Jey (44:34.438)
Thank you.
Jey (44:47.472)
Love you.
Love to. Alright audience, do your thing, we'll be back next week.