Jey (00:07.682)

And welcome into another episode of the Young Dad podcast. I'm your host Jay. I'm super excited to be with you guys for another great episode. Today I'm hosting my boy, Dan. Dan is the host of the Daddy Issues podcast show and Daddy Issues. It's a show that hopes to provide valuable insights, practical advice, and offer emotional support and a sense of community for those going through similar experiences to Dan and others that come on his show. Dan, welcome. I'm excited to have you.

Go ahead and tell us a little bit about your podcast, a little bit about you, your fatherhood journey, and yeah, mostly those two things. That'll pretty much cover most of it, so.

dan (00:49.513)

Perfect. Well, yeah. Thank you for having me on for sure. So I have a podcast called daddy issues and it really started because I was going through a rough time with my kids, my ex, doing the whole separation and I was getting so frustrated and I'm a videographer. So I decided to me and my buddy, who was kind of going through the same thing, just set up a bunch of cameras and started talking.

And it actually helped just by talking and releasing, you know, all the bad energy and everything that we were going through. It was more therapeutic. Of course, the stories were, you know, pretty, pretty wild that we were talking about and it, and it caught some attention, but it was more of like the therapeutic part of it, being able to talk about your situation and get it out there. So, so yeah, I started the podcast probably a couple of years ago, probably about like five years ago.

and really started diving deep into it the last two years. So, and it's been great, man. It's a lot of dads go through this. You wouldn't think so many dads are going through something like this, but they really, a lot of them are having trouble. And as a man, as a father, you don't reach out to others. You don't really share your emotions the way women do. So it's much, much harder, I think, for a man to...

to be a part of this or to think, Oh, let me reach out to somebody and talk about my feelings. So

Jey (02:24.086)

100% man, and I can't echo that enough because I mean, we're in the dad groups on Facebook. We see the talk in there. We see kind of the backward sense of community that's in those groups a lot of the time. And we're all kind of struggling with the same things when it really comes down to it. I'll see posts on X or...

the artist formerly known as Twitter, I'll see him on threads, I'll see him on Instagram, I'll see him on Facebook, all the social different social media platforms. Like, man, I must be the only dad going through this. And I commented once on it and it just really took the post to a different level. But it was like, you're not the only one going through it. Like we're all, we're all struggling. We're all struggling with the same things. Like believe it or not, but as men, you know, we think we're, we're alone.

We think we're, we have to struggle in silence. That that's what we're supposed to do. That silent struggle, just struggle, figure it out, you're fine, move on. And not being able to have that like outlet to even like get it out, to express it, to talk about it. And you can talk about things in a healthy way, like your relationships and your past and your.

experience with your children's mother or mothers or whatever that looks like for you in a way that doesn't bash them. I never bash my ex-wife on the podcast. I never really talk about what's going on, but I talk about it in a way that releases some of that pent up like emotion or that pent up aggression or just helps to process it, to help us to process the situation, which is so important for both of our platforms.

to give that outlet for men to even just listen to and relate. Because I'm sure you've gotten before to where someone will message you and be like, wow, guys, this just helped me get through whatever or I didn't feel so alone from this or you get those messages because I know I personally sent those messages to friends of mine now when I was going through it a few years ago, when I was going through my divorce about three years ago. I found a...

Jey (04:43.766)

great friend, a great podcast. His name's Craig, hosted a single dad reboot and connected with him and now we're great friends. He doesn't do the podcast anymore, but now we're just really good friends based on that. I know his was phenomenal. His insight and he just shared his story pretty much. That's all he did was just share his story from his perspective. He didn't bash his ex. He talked very politely, respectfully about her. There's a, there's a way to do it.

dan (04:53.317)

It's a great name too.

Yeah.

Jey (05:12.842)

There's a way to do it. It's just about talking, it's just about talking about it, but getting it out. And then fast forward to maybe three months ago, well, by the time this comes out, it'll be more than three months. But I had someone reach out to me on Instagram, really just saying that my show resonated with them, that it helped them get out of that dark time. And like that was the goal from the very, very beginning of starting this show.

probably much like yourself where it's like, I just wanna help one person. I just wanna help other dads not feel alone. I just wanna help them get through whatever they're going through and know that they have at least one person in myself there for them. So they're not struggling alone. Cause that's so important. Cause society tells us we have to struggle alone.

dan (06:03.861)

Yeah, I mean, the depression alone that some of these dads are going through, you know, I had a guy on yesterday who said he tried to commit suicide and he's glad he didn't go through it. I've had a couple of people on talk about that and like just a deep depression that they get into, um, because of their situation and just like the system just doesn't work for them, um, the money that they have to spend just to see their kids, they're just, you know, going bankrupt, they're spending everything they have and it's just like.

They're just putting such a bad situation over trying to see their kid at the end of the day, you know, or trying to have 50-50 with their ex. And it's very, very hard to hear some of those stories. And it's like, damn, like you really almost just took your life because you're that depressed or you know, you're going through that such much of a struggle. So, yeah.

Jey (06:57.434)

And that's just unfortunately, that's one of the big reasons why the suicide rate in our country is for every four men to one woman or one woman to four men. However you want to look at that, it's a four to one ratio. It's four X times that for men what it is women. And then it really affects men in their 40s. Well, what's normally happening to a man in his 40s? He's probably progressed enough to a very.

dan (07:10.757)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (07:25.798)

point in his career. His kids are older and that will normally also correlate to relationship issues. To where relationships end because you got your kids old enough and now it's separation and divorce time. Because unfortunately the last I don't know how many years I would say I can look at the statistics but probably the last 20 years or so you go back to like 20

2010 so maybe 25 years Or 2005. I'm so sorry. I can't math You go back to last 15 20 years you just see this Divorce rate you can even go back further 70s. It's Below 10% 80s. It's right around 10 90s. It's right around 15% You get to the 2000s that doubles to 30 you get to 2010 now. We're talking 40

You get to 2024, now we're talking 50, 55%. So more than half of marriages are ending in divorce, which is just an absolutely crazy statistic. I can't talk. But then you compound that with the suicide rate in direct correlation. And correlation isn't always causation. I'm not gonna say that, but it's a pretty good mile marker indicator in this situation to where these...

dan (08:28.633)

Yeah.

Jey (08:48.414)

The suicide rates are also jumping one to one or maybe one to half kind of thing. It's always been more men than women. You can look back, you can go to the American for Suicide Prevention website. You can filter by date and whatnot. I'm not making this up. You can go back to their website. You can look up past statistics of suicide rates in our country. They're very easy to find. Go to Google, search it. Just make sure you're looking at either a government source or Americans for Suicide Prevention.

the AFSP, those kinds of websites. Those will tell you really accurate facts and information. But it's not even, we think it's terrible here in our country, because it is. But you look at third world countries, you look at second world countries, you look at some European countries. I mean, heck, South Korea is like hundreds to one. Slovenia, Lithuania are within the, are in the hundreds to one men to women.

So it's an epidemic worldwide. It's a big problem even on our country.

dan (09:51.065)

Yeah.

Yeah, I would say for us here, the way I look at it is a lot of it's social media, a lot of it's those Daiton apps that are out. You know, there's so much, it's so much easier now for especially, well, men and women. It's so much easier for them to seek other partners. You know what I mean? Get that dopamine hit, you know, when you're talking with somebody and then you don't realize obviously it's going to ruin the relationship that you're in or a lot of families stay together just to keep.

their kids, oh, when they when they graduate, or when they're 18, you know, then we'll split or whatever it might be. But I think a lot of it has to do with social media and how easy it is now to just talk to other men or women out there. That's what ruins I think relationships.

Jey (10:36.878)

And how encouraged... I think you're 100% right. But it's also encouraged too, you know? It's also... And I'm not trying to bash the feminist movement or anything, or women support women or any kind of things like that. I'm not bashing those at all. But... Things that have come from that is like, Oh girl, if you're unhappy, just leave. If you're unhappy, just go find it somewhere else. Your partner don't gotta know. He don't gotta know. Just go and find it somewhere else. And how enc-

dan (10:45.419)

Right.

dan (11:00.549)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (11:06.71)

I think the most encouraged is almost to look outside your marriage or look outside your family or your spouse or partner, whatever they are in that relationship with your child, to go and look for it somewhere else and to go and find it somewhere else just because you're unhappy and you don't want to put the work into it. But at the same time, I feel like it's missed like, oh, well, if I just go here and get my dopamine hit.

or I get the sex I want, or I get the attention I want, and then end up leaving this situation for this situation, it's a total start over. The grass might not always be greener on the other side.

dan (11:48.537)

Rage.

It won't be, you know, it's a quick dopamine hit, you will find fun in that relationship, the guy showing you affection. But at the end of the day, it you'll go through the same exact thing, and you'll end up breaking it off with him or whatever it might be. Yeah, man, it's, it's hard. You know, I think a lot of relationships need to start talking, you know, they need to talk to their partner be open. If you have a problem, don't bottle it up inside. It's like

Jey (12:18.504)

Mm-mm.

dan (12:18.881)

bring it up right then talk to your significant other and you know, get over the, get over the hurdle. Because if you keep it bottled up inside, it's, it's just going to build, build. And then, you know, you're going to explode or you're going to cheat or you're going to do something. But if you are opening, you know, very communicated with your partner, that's probably one of the best options you can have because then you know, everything, everything's on the table. Everything's, you know, being talked about, you guys can solve problems very easily, you know,

Jey (12:47.826)

100% but that's We don't and I think it's kind of goes back to some of the gender norms and gender stereotypes for men is that it's pushed to Not talk about it, but we're not really taught. I mean, I'm a millennial. I don't know about yourself but I'm a millennial and So for us, I'm assuming you are kind of in that same millennial boat, right? Okay, okay cool we're solid that

dan (12:48.109)

We just don't do that nowadays.

dan (13:02.469)

That's right.

dan (13:13.825)

Yeah, yeah, 37.

Jey (13:18.782)

So we weren't really taught to talk about these things, right? Like they weren't told to us, they weren't told to, when you have a problem, talk about it. When you have an issue, talk about it. No, we're taught to, well, if you have a problem, just shut up and deal with it. Kind of thing. Or if she has a problem with you, you just shut up and listen and take it kind of thing. It's not our job, it's not our place, it's not our position that we should be communicating.

dan (13:22.712)

Right.

Jey (13:45.694)

back our needs whatsoever, any time, place, or any reason why. We shouldn't do that. We're not supposed to do that. That's not what our, I guess, responsibility is or what we're supposed to do because that's not what we do as men. Not our thing. We don't do that. And so now, going into our relationships and having kids, if we have a problem, we just

A lot of the issue is we just don't know how to talk about it. Or in our heads, in our brain, in what we're taught and what not subconsciously, we don't talk about it because we know we're not supposed to, or we know it's not okay to, we know that they're not going to care anyways. No one cares about me because all these things were pushed when we were kids. All these ideas and now they're subconscious, so now when we have a problem it's like, oh, I'm just going to go and deal with it versus, well, maybe I will speak up.

dan (14:17.381)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (14:43.702)

because I know how to communicate, I know how to communicate calmly, maybe I can get my point across without blowing up or whatever, but at that same time, we're now older and fathers and we've been taught this whole thing is like, well, if I do communicate about it, I'm likely gonna blow up and it's likely gonna be manifested in anger because all those emotions that we did have when we were growing up or didn't learn to process all got bottled up.

and all turned into anger. Anger toward ourselves, anger toward others, anger at the littlest things, they became triggers and they became all these things in between because we were told to bottle it up. We were told to not talk about it. And the system doesn't help because the system, especially in our country, and it sucks that it is so directly tied to

Jey (15:43.462)

And with our current presidency here in 2024, it's election year. But with our current presidency being democratic, that means our political landscape is more across the country going to be democratic. And democratic parties, democratic states, blue states, typically favor mothers. Typically favor moms. And I live in a blue state. I live in Washington. So, and on the West Coast,

dan (15:43.822)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (16:13.258)

Politically, a lot of people call it the left coast. But, you know, it's super unfortunate because when I was going through my divorce, it was nearly impossible to find legal representation. Luckily, I didn't have to, but I was trying to find it just to be prepared to get some help. And it's crazy expensive. And the family lawyers that are out there, they don't understand that

dan (16:16.718)

Yeah.

Jey (16:43.514)

I mean, I remember going through a consultation with a lawyer and we ended up arguing because I didn't want to decimate my ex-wife. I didn't want to make her a complete zero. Humiliation, ruin her life, ruin all the things for her because I didn't want to do that. He didn't understand that I just want this to be civil. I want these things in my parenting plan. I want to do...

You know, I want this much custody versus that much. And it's like, well, what else then? How are we going to destroy her? How are we going to take her down? And my aunt even experienced this back in the nineties in our state when she was divorcing her, her first husband, uh, is that the lawyer she went to, one of the first lawyers she went to, she's like, I'm getting divorced. We have kids kind of thing. It's like, all right, how are we going to take them down? How much money do you want? How much, how much are we going to take from them? And she was like,

dan (17:38.041)

Right.

Jey (17:40.682)

No, I don't I just wanted to have 50-50 and I just want to figure this out and split the assets Like I don't want to do all that and this lawyer's like I can't work with you then There's lawyer that I got into an argument with 30 years later nearly Because that was I think that maybe yeah 90s or so about 20 to 30 years later that mentality still stuck in the legal system and In the family court system where it's so pro-mob

And it's a hell of a fight for dads. And that fight is exhausting because it's constant trips to file this, file that, file this, file that, get this, get that, do this, do that. Show up for court here. Oh, it's going to be continued for three weeks because this got filed daily and we're going to claim we don't have, didn't have time to review it. Even though you had all but one day of the last two weeks to review it before this trial. So we're going to.

push it out two weeks to get everyone adequate source. More stuff gets pushed, more stuff gets added in, proposal, all these things, it's a constant back and forth. I see it a lot now, I work with youth and families in mental health, so I see it a lot go through this process. And it's so unfortunate because I've seen it firsthand working with some families, the amount of alienation that comes from this whole process.

where there's kids who are, I want to say they're probably seven and nine years old, ballpark-ish, but they're saying things like, oh well, my dad doesn't know what he's doing, or my dad's uh, he's not a good person, he's so mean to me, but they say it in a way that sounds like it came from an adult, where it didn't come from them. Yeah, go ahead.

dan (19:30.677)

Right. And that's, yeah. And that's just it. Um, you know, the alienation stuff and all the courts and the judges and everybody, they all say it's all about the kids. That's all we care about. It's about the kids, but you have the statistics when the dads are out of the home, what happens to the kids? Um, you have, you know, so much evidence showing that if there was 50 in the beginning and the, and the child was 50 with their mom, 50 with their dad or whatever,

situation that you know, people are in different situations. Some, you know, some move farther away and they can't do 5050, whatever it is. But to take the dad out of the situation, it's proven that it's not good for the kids. Um, for the court system to say it's all about the kids, it's all about the kids. And then when you have these women coming into court, you know, their relationship was fine until they got divorced or until they broke up. Then, you know, the father's beating their, beating their children. He's a raging alcoholic.

Jey (20:24.946)

Oh yeah, all of a sudden.

dan (20:27.345)

all of that stuff. And it's like, for the court not to be able to see the pattern, because when they file something like that, then the husband has to it's not like he is innocent, he's guilty, he has to prove that he's innocent. So he has to prove that these allegations are false. Right? So then it takes months and months and months, sometimes years, he can't see his kids. And it's just like, and then when they do prove that it's false, there's no repercussions for the woman.

Jey (20:28.455)

All of that.

Jey (20:40.09)

Yeah, he has to respond and.

dan (20:53.921)

You know, it's like, how can you just how can you say that in a court of law? It's essentially false evidence that you're bringing in. You're you're saying all these all these false allegations to the to the father, you essentially get caught lying because none of it's true. But then there's no repercussion, you're going to keep doing it. Why would you not keep doing it? You just kept your kid for a year because you made up some false allegations. What's what's not going to prevent you to do it again? Right.

Jey (20:54.034)

No, none.

Jey (21:18.838)

I'm gonna do it again, exactly. And there is no repercussions for that. It's called...

It's like harassment. It's like her harassment and litigation or something. I can't remember the actual name of it. Um, abusive litigation. It's abusive litigation and there are no repercussions from it. Uh, unfortunately, I mean, you can look in the media, look at, are you familiar with Trevor Bauer?

dan (21:50.082)

No.

Jey (21:50.81)

Okay, so Trevor Bauer, he won the AL Cy Young Award in 2021 or something. He landed a big money deal with the Dodgers, pitched a great season with the Dodgers, and then he had allegations brought against him that he had beaten a woman and abused her to the point where she had marks on her after they had intimacy the night before kind of thing. And so.

dan (22:18.398)

I did hear the story. Yep. Yeah. And she got caught with her text messages and stuff saying, yeah.

Jey (22:22.026)

Yep, she got caught with the text. She got caught with the saying that this was pre-planned. She got caught with all the things. But what happened to her? Nothing. There was, she ruined this man's career when he was on track to probably be one of the best baseball just personalities, icons of all time. Probably would have won at least another Cy Young.

dan (22:36.004)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (22:49.078)

could have gotten his way to a Hall of Fame really was changing the way that baseball looked at analytics and pitchers and really did a lot for the game of baseball but baseball hated him so what did baseball do based on this they blackballed him they said we're done with you you're cut you're out of the league here's this long suspension and definitely you're losing out on your 40 million dollars before any evidence yep just based on the allegations alone because they already didn't like them they're like this is

dan (23:10.729)

And guess what before any evidence. Yeah. Yup.

Jey (23:18.398)

Fucking perfect. But if that was let's say Shohei Otani, Mike Trout Mookie Betts, Freddie Freeman, Joey Vado Try to Julio Rodriguez, Ronald Acuna or anything like that They would have probably been like well We're gonna keep paying you through it and we're gonna keep letting you play kind of like the NBA did recently with the whole Josh Giddy allegations They understood

The NBA does it right. The NBA absolutely does all these kinds of things, right? Like with the Josh Giddy situation, they said, well, we're not gonna comment because we don't know anything. We just know these are allegations. We're gonna leave it to the authorities to handle. We're gonna let them do their thing. We're gonna let them investigate. Giddy, you can still play. You can still be on the court. We're not gonna take anything away from you until it's either proven one way or another. Then we'll hand down your discipline.

dan (24:15.861)

And that's exactly what should happen. No matter who, you know, baseball, basketball, football, any of it. That's exactly what should happen.

Jey (24:17.789)

Mm-hmm.

Yep. That's what happened in life because it was allegations. And then these allegations for Giddy, they were proven false. The day after he got them proven false, he posted triple double. Like the weight, like you can tell, like this weight is just lifted off of them. Seeing him play, seeing him go, and then he's still getting a joke made out of them because it was really funny. There was a girl's choir that was there singing at the Thunder game, like pregame.

dan (24:24.034)

Yeah.

dan (24:37.613)

Yeah, of course.

Jey (24:47.122)

warming up right next to him. And then he's pointed out like, oh, get, he's trying so hard not to look and whatnot. It's like the allegations were literally just proven false that he didn't have sex with an underage girl, that there is no evidence here. Uh, dude's like 1920. If he wants to bang 18 year olds in San Diego, there's nothing stopping him from doing that, like let him be 20 and reckless and an NBA player.

a budding star in the NBA and let him use his name power to use his name power. I mean, nothing wrong with it. Go do your thing, bro. But that brings us back to kind of where it is now. There's no, there's no punishment. There's nothing that happens to these women that do abusive litigation. There's no jail time. There's no fines. There's no repercussions. Except when there's a competent judge on the other side, when there's a competent guardian at Lydum.

We have a guardian of my light and program here in the state their court investigator they do talks and interviews with the kids with the families with both sides and they Observe and do all the things Where recently a family of mine the dad went from no custody he fought for a year To get he got 50-50 that just doesn't happen in the state of Washington for no good reason

dan (26:10.295)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (26:11.706)

Everything that was found, CPS reports, everything founded against him. None of it was ever founded. None of it was ever concrete. None of it ever happened, but he didn't get to see his kids for nearly a year. He got 50 fast forward six months now, six, seven months later. Now he's has them two weeks on and one week off. Mom only gets them one week out of the month pretty much. So now he has 75% because.

dan (26:36.418)

Oh wow.

Jey (26:39.294)

The court saw through the alienation, the lack of care, all these things. So it's not always that the mom's a better parent. These kids were actually going to school. They were actually being productive. They were actually being good, productive kids. They weren't coming to school, you know, with poor hygiene or anything like that. So being able to see the wins in the situation is really cool because it does give a lot of hope.

And he even said look I would have been happy with 50-50 like that was more than enough for me to get to that point But the fact that my kids aren't taken care of properly when they're with her Leads me to start wanting to fight this fight to a new level to a new extent So man out there that are listening to this right now Fight the fight the fight if you in your gut in your heart in your soul Absolutely know that this is a fight that you are one

100% not going to let down fighting. Fight to get 25%. Start small, don't go swinging for the fences for full custody. That's when it's gonna come crashing down on you. But start small. If you're only going for a weekend, from a weekend and you wanna go to a full week, go and submit and fight for that week. Prove that over time that week.

was helping your kid in XYZ ways. Get your facts, show your evidence, go back, challenge for that 50-50. Look, her grades have improved, she's more socially active, she's having so much more fun, she's happier, she's well adjusted. I got her into therapy, I did all these things with her, mom and I are good, I am now fighting for 50-50. You just took from one step to the next step to the next step.

Um, and now you're at that point where it's like, okay, this is exactly where I wanted to get to. I just wanted the 50 so I can spend half the time with my kid. They're well taken care of with their mother. They're well taken care of with me. This is going to help them more than anything. I'm good. I fought the fight to the point. I feel like a lot of men want to fight to that extreme. They want to go extreme, like full custody or bust start small, bro. Start small.

dan (28:59.021)

Well, a lot of it, so I'm in a similar, similar situation. And for me, since the beginning, I wanted 50 through all the alienation things that was happening and everything, everything my kids were going through. You know, my daughter has severe anxiety. She has separation anxiety. My other daughter is just so messed up in her head with, uh, just like, doesn't want to be here. My, my now wife.

knew her when she was a baby, she wouldn't, we would go to her house and my daughter wouldn't get out of the car. And you know, her friends were there, her friends were playing at our house. And my daughter wouldn't get out of the car for an hour, I'd have to sit there and talk to her. But because she was getting in trouble, when she went back home, because my now wife girlfriend at the time, you know, gave her a bracelet, and she went back home, and her mom would yell at her and you know, so my daughter is so mentally messed up because of this whole situation. So in the beginning,

I wanted 50 50. And then over time, I was like, my kids need to be taken out of this situation because they're being told to lie. My youngest daughter, we had to start filming things for court, you know, because it was getting so bad. And my youngest daughter sat there and told us, we were like, Why does this keep happening? Why do you guys keep filming us? Like what what's going on? And my youngest daughter, who I think was nine at the time, a nine year old, and she was like, we've I've been taught to lie.

My youngest daughter says, I've been taught to lie by my mom and my aunt to do these things. My oldest daughter had her teddy bear cut open and a phone shoved in the back so she could contact her mom on my time. And it's just like these wild things. And I bring it up to the GAL. I bring it up to DCYF. I bring it up to the judge. I show everybody all this stuff. I have an entire... I turn into a detective going through this process.

But I show them this entire folder. And just like you said, it depends on the judge, you better hope you have a not even a good judge, but a caring judge or someone because it's not, you know, yeah, I got 5050 Thank God, but the GAL that we had wanted to reduce my time because he's really you know, he got a seven page letter from my daughter who is 13 years old, using words a 40 year old isn't going to use.

dan (31:23.553)

I wonder how he got that letter. I wonder who wrote that letter. And for him to take that at face value saying, Oh, nope, this is her. She wrote it. It's just like, it's unbelievable. And all the things that I've shown him, it's like, how do you sit there and say, like, how are you a gal? Like, I just don't understand how you how you can sit there and say, like, you're here. I'm not even just telling you what's going on. I'm showing you the evidence. I'm showing you text messages. I'm showing you videos. I'm showing you

Like you can't dispute facts. And he just, you know, completely took the mother side because of the sob story. She, when we went into court, she literally had zero paperwork that I did for me. She just had, you know, the girl school schooling and stuff like that, teachers, doctor's appointments, nothing was about me and what I did. Everything I had was her emails, her text messages.

you know, videos, photos, everything going back and forth for the, from the kids to her, you know, her telling the kids to lie, oh, delete this. So dad doesn't see it, stuff like that. And it's like, for nobody to see that and see what's going on. I get so frustrated because I'm like, what's the, you know, I've spent an ungodly amount of money going to court and dealing with this stuff. We had our first GAL, she didn't pay. So I had to come up with her half to pay to pay our first GAL. Then she dropped out.

And we got a new GAL. And it's like, you know, halfway through our whole custody stuff. And it's just like, it's so frustrating just to go down this road, still paying child, you know, full child support, have my kids 5050. And, you know, I've been waiting for our final, because she lied on her financial affidavit, she's lied on every government form that she had to submit to court. And it's like, is there going to be a repercussion for this?

You know, that's what's frustrating. It's like, how is she just doing this and getting away with lying to everybody? For what? Like she's not she's not getting in trouble for any of it for six years. So it's, you know, I get it. And I and I and since the beginning, even when I met my now wife, I told her in the beginning, I go, you know, obviously, I have two kids, this is my ex, you know, we get along great, I always have her back. And then as soon as my ex knew that I was dating,

dan (33:47.969)

That's when that's when I became the worst dad in the world. You know, police called on me DCYF called on me. And I was just like, how could she do this to me? Like I've been nothing but like great with her and the girl my two girls. And I'm just like, how could you do this to me? And that's what's frustrating.

Jey (34:06.726)

100% and it's I'm sorry that you're good. Rants are more than accepted here on the show, but no, it's, I'm sorry that you're going through all that cause it's not, it's not right. And it shouldn't be so common that that's the case that it's on godly amounts of money on godly amounts of time. And that if we lie on anything of ours,

dan (34:09.133)

I went on a little rant there, sorry.

Jey (34:33.702)

It's sniffed out like a freaking bull, like a freaking canine dog at the airport trying to sniff out your drugs that you're hiding in your butt crack because you didn't want to eat your edible. You decided to try to save it for the plane. Um, that's the level that is sniffed out for men, but for women, it's just like they get the old broken dogs trying to sniff them down for a bomb or something. And they can literally have the bomb in their hand, walking through airport security.

dan (34:39.457)

Yeah.

dan (35:00.79)

That's exactly it.

Jey (35:02.662)

And they walk through airport security with the bomb in their hand. The buzzer goes off. They're like, Oh, it must have been someone else. Um, you have a nice day, ma'am. And she just has a literal bomb in her hand. And this is all figurative, of course, not saying your ex-wife is going to go blow up an airport. Uh, but even then you look at society and mothers, they get, they get away with a lot. They get away with a ton.

to the point where there's not really a repercussion. There's not really a, oh, well you're a mom, or you're a mom that's going through this, oh, kind of thing. Sympathy, empathy, pity, or pity, all that, they get all of it. Just pretty much by looking a little sad, or saying that, oh, he's so awful, he's the worst dad ever, I was so,

views and all this shit. I've seen it firsthand in my life from my ex just these ridiculous and this is probably the most to the level I will kind of call her out. She doesn't listen and she does cool. It's my story too I'm going to tell it. To where she'll say like she'll make these posts on social media to where I mentioned in the same breath as the same

her now husband and this was within the last six months that I saw one of these posts so to more than two years after our divorce and separation this relationship that she chose over ours so if you can put that context together there as a listener Dan I know you can 100% put that together that and then even so two plus years later you're still mentioning me in the same breath

dan (36:48.533)

Yeah.

Jey (37:00.306)

Like, that makes me laugh. That don't hurt my feelings, none. But it makes my family laugh at you that are still connected with you on social media because they send me this post. Because I have her blocked, I don't give a shit what she does on social media. They send me this. And we just laugh, we roast her. We talk crap about it because it's like, how is she gonna mention you and him in the same post? Yeah, she doesn't say me by name.

dan (37:03.715)

Yeah.

dan (37:12.869)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (37:29.45)

But she says, my previous marriage or my last relationship or he's so much better in this way than what I experienced and all this just bullshit and lies and narrative. Oh, I'm the victim. It's so bad. Well, but let's, but exactly. But no, let's not talk about what you did. Let's not talk about your emotional abuse, your mental abuse. Let's not talk about that stuff.

dan (37:30.208)

Right, you know.

dan (37:45.365)

But that's it. She needs the attention. Because why else would you post something like that?

Jey (37:59.294)

We're not going to talk about that because you're the victim here. You're the one that just felt so lowly that you had to choose another person and another relationship over our marriage because that was more important to you. Even though after the first time you tried that, I still stayed.

dan (38:19.073)

Yep. But think about it when men and women cheat. Women are the victims, even if a woman cheats, she's the victim. If a man cheats, they'll say, Oh, he's a dog. He you know, how could he do that? The woman cheats, they'll say, Oh, well, he must not have been around a bunch. And, you know, all these things, and she's still the victim. It wasn't her fault for stepping out of her marriage and cheating.

Jey (38:25.373)

Even if she...

Jey (38:36.206)

Yeah, yeah, she's the victim for being fucking six, seven months pregnant and stepping out and doing that shit. She's the victim. She got, because he definitely forced her into it kind of thing and all that shit. And then I stayed. I still try to reconcile, put the effort in, do all the thing. And then it happened again.

dan (38:46.613)

Right.

dan (39:03.138)

Right.

Yeah, well, that's why. So you obviously you're talking about your situation, but um, but that's what's tough for men is when you go back, the woman no longer will respect you. Because she can she can walk all over you. She just did what, you know, essentially would be one of the worst things you can do in a relationship is to step out and be with somebody else.

Jey (39:07.306)

kind of thing.

Jey (39:12.917)

No, no, no.

dan (39:31.701)

If you don't have the balls as a man to be and especially if you know, if she's pregnant and you know, it's terrible, but it's like you want to keep your family together. But you have to have the boss to be like, you know, she has to be scared that you're going to leave to respect you and actually love you.

Jey (39:44.25)

Yeah, well, no, I the thing is, is that I, I packed, I packed some, I packed like two, three bags and grabbed my kid and went over to my in-laws for a few days. Like I straight up left our place with my kid. We didn't see her, didn't talk to her. I took her to school, picked her up. I'm like, don't, don't talk to me right now.

like this is not happening kind of thing. But, or someone in that situation may have done that kind of thing. So the thing is I did that. And then we still tried to reconcile and move forward with it and then it just wasn't the same after that. Baby, all that fun stuff. And it was just a totally different thing. But that's a whole other thing. Luckily, because of the situation for me,

dan (40:35.971)

Right.

Jey (40:43.194)

and understanding kind of how it worked with my education and whatnot. I was able to get out in front of it, luckily, and say, these are, this is what I'm going to do. Here's your paperwork. You're going to sign it. This is what you're going to do. And this is what things are going to look like going forward. You're packing your shit. You're getting out. You're going. I'm staying here. This is where the kids are staying. We'll figure it out. But when I want them.

I'm gonna get them for now and we'll figure it out on the piece of paper then after kind of thing.

dan (41:21.697)

Yeah, good for you for doing that. Because you know, especially that she's the one who stepped out. And if it was reversed, and the guy stepped out, you know, the woman should be saying what you're saying, you know, I'm going to stay in the house, you're gonna go you're gonna you know, you're the one who ruined this entire situation. So you can figure out what to do, you know, I'm not going to screw you over. But the kids are going to stay here where they're where they're comfortable, they're going to go to school, I'm going to take care of them. And you know, let me know when you're settled somewhere else. And we'll figure it all out.

Jey (41:50.51)

Yeah, no, 100%. But yeah, it's a whole thing. It's a whole story. There's tons we can get into there. But yeah, it's just unfortunate. That's probably the most I've ever shared about my situation, how it happened and things and some of the details. And we're well over 100 episodes at this point. So that's kind of crazy that it is all coming together now. But I mean, it's three years later. It's kind of like, well, fuck it. It's...

dan (42:02.102)

Yeah.

dan (42:14.817)

That's what I bring it out of.

Jey (42:19.318)

It's my platform. I can say what I want, talk about it. It's my perspective. It happened to me. I'm not saying anything that's not true. So kind of thing. And I'll talk about myself. I'll say that I was shitty. I'll say that I yelled. I screamed. We fought. We got into it sometimes. Did things get really bad at some point? Absolutely. Was there two-way emotional mental abuse? Absolutely. Was there two-way physical?

Yeah, there was at times. Was I the best father and husband? Absolutely not. I will own those things that I have always owned up to my actions. I have always said that I apologize and I take responsibility for my part in things. Has she? Without it feeling forced and un- inauthentic and from a place of just to appease the situation and to move get over it.

Absolutely she has. Is there any sincerity behind those words? I'm gonna say it's gonna be the inverse of the 80-20 rule. 20% likely 80% knock lightly. I'm gonna say it's inverse. It's gonna be 20-80. And like I said, I know she's not gonna listen to this. If she ever gets sent it, so what? So be it. It's my platform, it's my podcast, it's my story. I can tell it too. If she wants to take public and go share her story, go ahead.

dan (43:28.759)

Right.

Jey (43:47.698)

not going to hurt me. It's fine. I'll own up to my mistakes. I've made a lot of mistakes. I was a very angry young man. We got married very young. We got married in 2016. I was barely 20, 21-ish, somewhere around there. I was super young. I became a father at 22. I was super freaking young. She was 19. We were young. We were unhealed. We had gone through stuff.

We both had experiences that didn't play to the good factors of our relationship. We were also heavily influenced by our church's culture at the time. We were LDS Mormon. So we were heavily influenced by that. So it, and I was very unhealed. I had a lot of anger. I had a lot of explosive outbursts. We had a lot of explosive arguments and whatnot at different places we live. So I will 100% own my parts of it. All day through and through.

shit I did. So, but that's, that's where I'll leave that. So let's jump to, go ahead.

dan (44:52.605)

Yeah. Yeah, I was gonna say it's my bad. It's tough for the for the bashing part of it. It's like, you know, I don't want to bash my ex, you know, we have some people on the podcast, who are great with their ex and the kids in the situation is amazing. It's like, I wish I could get to that point. But for me now, I don't think I'll ever get you know, because when I go to my kids, basketball games or lacrosse games, I sit

in a different section than where their mother sits, which I know affects my daughters when they see that, you know, they end drop off pickups, me and her mother don't talk. Now, I know I could change that and start talking to her and saying, Hey, how's it going? How's it going? But she screwed me over so many times that it's like, I don't even want to do or say anything because or she could use something against me, she'll twist something or whatever it might be for court. So

You know, that's one thing that sucks because I wish we could get along. I wish we could. But since the beginning of court, you know, every email that I've sent was, you know, look what this is doing to the girls. Like, please stop. Like, you know, it's, you know, you can talk shit about me. You can hate me, but look at what it's doing to our kids. You know, that's the most important part. I don't, I'm a grown ass man. You know, I'll go cry for 30 minutes and I'll be fine. But it's like, look what it's doing to the girl. So it's tough for me to, even though I know it would be better, it's tough for me to let it go and be like.

Jey (46:10.006)

Mm-hmm.

dan (46:18.153)

Oh yeah, nothing happened. You know, the last six years were good.

Jey (46:21.63)

Well, I think that's an interesting part here, is that you can let it go in essence. You, and men, this is kind of a message across the board, and I think I'll give you the exception just because of where we're at on time right now without hitting the YDP-3. We'll have to do this again so we can for sure hit that YDP-3, but this is kind of my thought here, my closing thought, is that there's...

dan (46:39.778)

Yeah.

Jey (46:51.458)

this little thing called forgiveness. We learn about it in church, we learn about it in life, we say, do you accept their apology? Okay, this is what accepting an apology looks like. We learn about this little thing called forgiveness. The thing with forgiveness is that yes, we can let it go, we can move on. However, forgiveness doesn't mean that what the person did to us

is made right by any means. It doesn't justify their action. It doesn't make what they did to us okay by any way shape or form. It means none of that. What it does mean though is that you can physically write your feelings on a rock or a piece of paper or whatever. You can write it down. You can rip that shit up and you can throw it away and you can move the fuck on with your life. You can move on.

You cannot be dominated by those feelings, by that power. Because when you are dominated by those feelings and by that power, guess whose power is dominating you? Not your own. Guess who's winning? Guess who winning? Not you. Her. They're winning. They're winning this battle because they know they have power over you because they know it affects you. They know you're not over it. They know you're still angry. They know you're still triggered. They know they can get to you.

They know it. And so they're gonna use that to their advantage. But as soon as they know that you're actually over it, that you're moved on, that you're not in a place where they can control you and can get you to react and to make you think illogically or anything like that, when they know that, when they pick up on like, oh, he has actually moved on. He's actually passed this.

I don't have any power or control or say over it. Like for me, that looks like I'll say things and phrase things, however the fuck I want to my ex. And is that always best? No. Do I give a shit? No. Does it matter how she feels to what I say? No, not to me.

Jey (49:07.814)

It doesn't matter. So all, and I'm not saying anything detrimental. I'm not saying anything that hurts the girls. Does it hurt her feeling? Sure. That's fine. I'm a straightforward, very blunt person. If it hurts, it hurts. I'm sorry. It's a kind of, it's my dad and I superpower is that you, we can make you really, really like us, or it can make you hate us like that, just by some of the things that we'll say to you. We'll get under your skin. We make it, it's very easy for us. It's a weird odd superpower that my dad and I have.

Don't worry, I'm gonna teach my girls how to do it too. But it's...

Jey (49:46.354)

You can't let it control you. You have to forgive.

dan (49:49.857)

But you're 100% right. Because they still have control of you if it's still affecting you, you're 100% right.

Jey (49:57.202)

and you gotta let it go. You have to find a way to let it go to get over it. I have a great resource on the podcast. If you go back down a few episodes, I don't even know what episode it's gonna be. It's my Well-Balanced Dad Diet Workshop. What that was, and I'm not trying to like, this is just a great opportunity to talk about it because what the Well-Balanced Dad Diet is, it's a whole, it's like a whole,

dan (50:00.051)

Yeah.

Jey (50:25.554)

This is an hour like workshop that I did talking about ways to put more tools in your tool bag. But we also did an exercise within that of letting go of moving on that literally brought the room to tears. This room of men and women brought this room to tears, letting go of the things that they needed to let go of, letting go of the past, letting go of the things that are weighing on their shoulders, on their hearts, on their souls.

It's so important. I can't emphasize that enough to find a way to let it go. If it's writing it on a piece of paper, ripping that piece of paper up or throwing it in the trash, let it go. If it's affecting you in three days, guess what? Do it again. Do it over and over and over again until you actually have let it go to where it's not controlling you that physical release, there's something about it. It's psychological, uh, to where you write it down or you write it on a rock or you do something like that.

and you throw it in the trash or you throw it into the distance or a river or you ride it in a golf ball, whatever that's going to look like for you at the driving range, maybe whatever that's going to look like for you, do it over and over again. And you're going to feel it physically leaving your body. You're going to feel that energy being go out from your body and just back into the universe. And the universe is going to replace that because now you're opening that peg on your big old pegboard of who you are for something good to flow into it.

And then just keep doing that. Keep doing that over and over again with all the different things that you need to do it with until all your pegs are being refilled with the goodness of the universe, with the goodness of, for me, it's the goodness of God, of my faith, and whatnot. Let it fill you over and over again until you're filled to a point that it's overflowing. And it's gonna flow into your kids, it's gonna flow into your work, it's gonna flow into your life, and things are going to get better.

dan (52:20.685)

Yeah, sounds cheesy, but you're 100% right. You gotta do that for sure.

Jey (52:26.226)

Yeah, it's important. It's episode 85 if anyone's wondering. Go back and search your Spotify Apple catalog for episode 85 or it's also on YouTube as well. But yeah, any closing thoughts Dan, anything you want to close us out with? Let me just ask you one question to close us out with. I got one question to close you out with. I'll do the classic question from the YDP3. I see you at a park with your kids or we're at the store or something. I see you, you look joyful, you look happy. You can look at me.

dan (52:42.797)

Man! Yup.

Jey (52:55.222)

Classic love story across the room, we make eye contact. You're like, whoa, that guy is low vibing. He looked down, he looked depressed, he looked sad, he looked tired, he looked defeated. We make eye contact, but I see you, you're happy, you're excited, you're engaged with your daughters, you're looking like you're living the good life, you got the secret sauce, right? I go over to you and I approach you, I'm like, look man, I don't know what you're doing right, what I'm doing wrong, but I need to know what your secret sauce is.

I need to get out of this darkness, out of where I am, out of this deep hole I'm in. I don't need money, I don't need food, I don't need none of that kind of physical monetary things. I need you to give me one, maybe one and a half pieces of advice in that moment to help set me on a path to get out of it.

dan (53:45.237)

Yeah, so a lot of that, I would say some of it, it's not fake. But some of it, they might just be putting it on, you know, being happy because their kids are there, you know, but then when they leave, they're still in a dark place. But I would say joining a group or talking with other men who have gone through something similar, not just your friends, but you know, talk to people who have gone through something similar that you're going through.

really will help you, you know, joining those Facebook groups and being able to put a post out there and you'll get a hundred different answers back. I think that that's probably one of the most important things to do is to talk about it because then you'll be able to open up, you'll be able to have friends that know what you're going through and that can pull you out of that depression, even though they might be in different countries or they might be, you know, scattered around different states. You know, it's, it's you,

get a bond and a friendship with those people. And I think that that's probably where people should start if they're going through a rough time.

Jey (54:48.914)

I love that. Find your community. Find your people. Find other people who are going through it. I love that. All right. Any closing thoughts that you want to leave the podcast, you can go ahead and plug your show because anything you want to leave us with.

dan (55:05.077)

Yeah, well, thank you for having me on and definitely these podcasts are amazing. It's weird being on the other side, but it's so important to be able to talk about these and other dads who are going through this to be able to listen to them and take something away like, oh, I shouldn't do this or I should go get a lawyer or I should do this. It's just so important and it's and it's sad to see, you know, so many dads that go through something like this, but

Yeah. I mean, thank you very much for having me on. If anybody wants to jump on my podcast, Daddy Issues, feel free to hit me up. And thank you.

Jey (55:39.658)

for sure, I'll put the pages. The podcast has an Instagram, right?

dan (55:46.433)

Yeah, yep. Yeah, it's.

Jey (55:46.534)

Okay, I'll put the podcast Instagram in the description. Go ahead and plug it.

dan (55:51.561)

Yeah, I think it's daddy issues the truth. But I'll send it to you. But yeah, we're trying to we're I think I'm mainly just on TikTok. But I think it's under the same name. Perfect.

Jey (56:00.71)

Okay, definitely. Well, all the links that you have, all the links that you have, send them to me. I'll get them on the show notes for the people to go and look and click and connect with you further with. So, but Dan, it's a pleasure having you. It's a pleasure talking to you. A pleasure getting to know you, hear your story, share stories with you today. It's much appreciated.

dan (56:13.015)

Awesome.

dan (56:21.014)

Awesome, thank you for having me, man.