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116: Daddy Issues Podcast- Dan M. (Full Transcript)



Jey (00:07.682)

And welcome into another episode of the Young Dad podcast. I'm your host Jay. I'm super excited to be with you guys for another great episode. Today I'm hosting my boy, Dan. Dan is the host of the Daddy Issues podcast show and Daddy Issues. It's a show that hopes to provide valuable insights, practical advice, and offer emotional support and a sense of community for those going through similar experiences to Dan and others that come on his show. Dan, welcome. I'm excited to have you.


Go ahead and tell us a little bit about your podcast, a little bit about you, your fatherhood journey, and yeah, mostly those two things. That'll pretty much cover most of it, so.


dan (00:49.513)

Perfect. Well, yeah. Thank you for having me on for sure. So I have a podcast called daddy issues and it really started because I was going through a rough time with my kids, my ex, doing the whole separation and I was getting so frustrated and I'm a videographer. So I decided to me and my buddy, who was kind of going through the same thing, just set up a bunch of cameras and started talking.


And it actually helped just by talking and releasing, you know, all the bad energy and everything that we were going through. It was more therapeutic. Of course, the stories were, you know, pretty, pretty wild that we were talking about and it, and it caught some attention, but it was more of like the therapeutic part of it, being able to talk about your situation and get it out there. So, so yeah, I started the podcast probably a couple of years ago, probably about like five years ago.


and really started diving deep into it the last two years. So, and it's been great, man. It's a lot of dads go through this. You wouldn't think so many dads are going through something like this, but they really, a lot of them are having trouble. And as a man, as a father, you don't reach out to others. You don't really share your emotions the way women do. So it's much, much harder, I think, for a man to...


to be a part of this or to think, Oh, let me reach out to somebody and talk about my feelings. So


Jey (02:24.086)

100% man, and I can't echo that enough because I mean, we're in the dad groups on Facebook. We see the talk in there. We see kind of the backward sense of community that's in those groups a lot of the time. And we're all kind of struggling with the same things when it really comes down to it. I'll see posts on X or...


the artist formerly known as Twitter, I'll see him on threads, I'll see him on Instagram, I'll see him on Facebook, all the social different social media platforms. Like, man, I must be the only dad going through this. And I commented once on it and it just really took the post to a different level. But it was like, you're not the only one going through it. Like we're all, we're all struggling. We're all struggling with the same things. Like believe it or not, but as men, you know, we think we're, we're alone.


We think we're, we have to struggle in silence. That that's what we're supposed to do. That silent struggle, just struggle, figure it out, you're fine, move on. And not being able to have that like outlet to even like get it out, to express it, to talk about it. And you can talk about things in a healthy way, like your relationships and your past and your.


experience with your children's mother or mothers or whatever that looks like for you in a way that doesn't bash them. I never bash my ex-wife on the podcast. I never really talk about what's going on, but I talk about it in a way that releases some of that pent up like emotion or that pent up aggression or just helps to process it, to help us to process the situation, which is so important for both of our platforms.


to give that outlet for men to even just listen to and relate. Because I'm sure you've gotten before to where someone will message you and be like, wow, guys, this just helped me get through whatever or I didn't feel so alone from this or you get those messages because I know I personally sent those messages to friends of mine now when I was going through it a few years ago, when I was going through my divorce about three years ago. I found a...


Jey (04:43.766)

great friend, a great podcast. His name's Craig, hosted a single dad reboot and connected with him and now we're great friends. He doesn't do the podcast anymore, but now we're just really good friends based on that. I know his was phenomenal. His insight and he just shared his story pretty much. That's all he did was just share his story from his perspective. He didn't bash his ex. He talked very politely, respectfully about her. There's a, there's a way to do it.


dan (04:53.317)

It's a great name too.


Yeah.


Jey (05:12.842)

There's a way to do it. It's just about talking, it's just about talking about it, but getting it out. And then fast forward to maybe three months ago, well, by the time this comes out, it'll be more than three months. But I had someone reach out to me on Instagram, really just saying that my show resonated with them, that it helped them get out of that dark time. And like that was the goal from the very, very beginning of starting this show.


probably much like yourself where it's like, I just wanna help one person. I just wanna help other dads not feel alone. I just wanna help them get through whatever they're going through and know that they have at least one person in myself there for them. So they're not struggling alone. Cause that's so important. Cause society tells us we have to struggle alone.


dan (06:03.861)

Yeah, I mean, the depression alone that some of these dads are going through, you know, I had a guy on yesterday who said he tried to commit suicide and he's glad he didn't go through it. I've had a couple of people on talk about that and like just a deep depression that they get into, um, because of their situation and just like the system just doesn't work for them, um, the money that they have to spend just to see their kids, they're just, you know, going bankrupt, they're spending everything they have and it's just like.


They're just putting such a bad situation over trying to see their kid at the end of the day, you know, or trying to have 50-50 with their ex. And it's very, very hard to hear some of those stories. And it's like, damn, like you really almost just took your life because you're that depressed or you know, you're going through that such much of a struggle. So, yeah.


Jey (06:57.434)

And that's just unfortunately, that's one of the big reasons why the suicide rate in our country is for every four men to one woman or one woman to four men. However you want to look at that, it's a four to one ratio. It's four X times that for men what it is women. And then it really affects men in their 40s. Well, what's normally happening to a man in his 40s? He's probably progressed enough to a very.


dan (07:10.757)

Mm-hmm.


Jey (07:25.798)

point in his career. His kids are older and that will normally also correlate to relationship issues. To where relationships end because you got your kids old enough and now it's separation and divorce time. Because unfortunately the last I don't know how many years I would say I can look at the statistics but probably the last 20 years or so you go back to like 20


2010 so maybe 25 years Or 2005. I'm so sorry. I can't math You go back to last 15 20 years you just see this Divorce rate you can even go back further 70s. It's Below 10% 80s. It's right around 10 90s. It's right around 15% You get to the 2000s that doubles to 30 you get to 2010 now. We're talking 40


You get to 2024, now we're talking 50, 55%. So more than half of marriages are ending in divorce, which is just an absolutely crazy statistic. I can't talk. But then you compound that with the suicide rate in direct correlation. And correlation isn't always causation. I'm not gonna say that, but it's a pretty good mile marker indicator in this situation to where these...


dan (08:28.633)

Yeah.


Jey (08:48.414)

The suicide rates are also jumping one to one or maybe one to half kind of thing. It's always been more men than women. You can look back, you can go to the American for Suicide Prevention website. You can filter by date and whatnot. I'm not making this up. You can go back to their website. You can look up past statistics of suicide rates in our country. They're very easy to find. Go to Google, search it. Just make sure you're looking at either a government source or Americans for Suicide Prevention.


the AFSP, those kinds of websites. Those will tell you really accurate facts and information. But it's not even, we think it's terrible here in our country, because it is. But you look at third world countries, you look at second world countries, you look at some European countries. I mean, heck, South Korea is like hundreds to one. Slovenia, Lithuania are within the, are in the hundreds to one men to women.


So it's an epidemic worldwide. It's a big problem even on our country.


dan (09:51.065)

Yeah.


Yeah, I would say for us here, the way I look at it is a lot of it's social media, a lot of it's those Daiton apps that are out. You know, there's so much, it's so much easier now for especially, well, men and women. It's so much easier for them to seek other partners. You know what I mean? Get that dopamine hit, you know, when you're talking with somebody and then you don't realize obviously it's going to ruin the relationship that you're in or a lot of families stay together just to keep.


their kids, oh, when they when they graduate, or when they're 18, you know, then we'll split or whatever it might be. But I think a lot of it has to do with social media and how easy it is now to just talk to other men or women out there. That's what ruins I think relationships.


Jey (10:36.878)

And how encouraged... I think you're 100% right. But it's also encouraged too, you know? It's also... And I'm not trying to bash the feminist movement or anything, or women support women or any kind of things like that. I'm not bashing those at all. But... Things that have come from that is like, Oh girl, if you're unhappy, just leave. If you're unhappy, just go find it somewhere else. Your partner don't gotta know. He don't gotta know. Just go and find it somewhere else. And how enc-


dan (10:45.419)

Right.


dan (11:00.549)

Mm-hmm.


Jey (11:06.71)

I think the most encouraged is almost to look outside your marriage or look outside your family or your spouse or partner, whatever they are in that relationship with your child, to go and look for it somewhere else and to go and find it somewhere else just because you're unhappy and you don't want to put the work into it. But at the same time, I feel like it's missed like, oh, well, if I just go here and get my dopamine hit.


or I get the sex I want, or I get the attention I want, and then end up leaving this situation for this situation, it's a total start over. The grass might not always be greener on the other side.


dan (11:48.537)

Rage.


It won't be, you know, it's a quick dopamine hit, you will find fun in that relationship, the guy showing you affection. But at the end of the day, it you'll go through the same exact thing, and you'll end up breaking it off with him or whatever it might be. Yeah, man, it's, it's hard. You know, I think a lot of relationships need to start talking, you know, they need to talk to their partner be open. If you have a problem, don't bottle it up inside. It's like


Jey (12:18.504)

Mm-mm.


dan (12:18.881)

bring it up right then talk to your significant other and you know, get over the, get over the hurdle. Because if you keep it bottled up inside, it's, it's just going to build, build. And then, you know, you're going to explode or you're going to cheat or you're going to do something. But if you are opening, you know, very communicated with your partner, that's probably one of the best options you can have because then you know, everything, everything's on the table. Everything's, you know, being talked about, you guys can solve problems very easily, you know,


Jey (12:47.826)

100% but that's We don't and I think it's kind of goes back to some of the gender norms and gender stereotypes for men is that it's pushed to Not talk about it, but we're not really taught. I mean, I'm a millennial. I don't know about yourself but I'm a millennial and So for us, I'm assuming you are kind of in that same millennial boat, right? Okay, okay cool we're solid that


dan (12:48.109)

We just don't do that nowadays.


dan (13:02.469)

That's right.


dan (13:13.825)

Yeah, yeah, 37.


Jey (13:18.782)

So we weren't really taught to talk about these things, right? Like they weren't told to us, they weren't told to, when you have a problem, talk about it. When you have an issue, talk about it. No, we're taught to, well, if you have a problem, just shut up and deal with it. Kind of thing. Or if she has a problem with you, you just shut up and listen and take it kind of thing. It's not our job, it's not our place, it's not our position that we should be communicating.


dan (13:22.712)

Right.


Jey (13:45.694)

back our needs whatsoever, any time, place, or any reason why. We shouldn't do that. We're not supposed to do that. That's not what our, I guess, responsibility is or what we're supposed to do because that's not what we do as men. Not our thing. We don't do that. And so now, going into our relationships and having kids, if we have a problem, we just


A lot of the issue is we just don't know how to talk about it. Or in our heads, in our brain, in what we're taught and what not subconsciously, we don't talk about it because we know we're not supposed to, or we know it's not okay to, we know that they're not going to care anyways. No one cares about me because all these things were pushed when we were kids. All these ideas and now they're subconscious, so now when we have a problem it's like, oh, I'm just going to go and deal with it versus, well, maybe I will speak up.


dan (14:17.381)

Mm-hmm.


Jey (14:43.702)

because I know how to communicate, I know how to communicate calmly, maybe I can get my point across without blowing up or whatever, but at that same time, we're now older and fathers and we've been taught this whole thing is like, well, if I do communicate about it, I'm likely gonna blow up and it's likely gonna be manifested in anger because all those emotions that we did have when we were growing up or didn't learn to process all got bottled up.


and all turned into anger. Anger toward ourselves, anger toward others, anger at the littlest things, they became triggers and they became all these things in between because we were told to bottle it up. We were told to not talk about it. And the system doesn't help because the system, especially in our country, and it sucks that it is so directly tied to


Jey (15:43.462)

And with our current presidency here in 2024, it's election year. But with our current presidency being democratic, that means our political landscape is more across the country going to be democratic. And democratic parties, democratic states, blue states, typically favor mothers. Typically favor moms. And I live in a blue state. I live in Washington. So, and on the West Coast,


dan (15:43.822)

Mm-hmm.


Jey (16:13.258)

Politically, a lot of people call it the left coast. But, you know, it's super unfortunate because when I was going through my divorce, it was nearly impossible to find legal representation. Luckily, I didn't have to, but I was trying to find it just to be prepared to get some help. And it's crazy expensive. And the family lawyers that are out there, they don't understand that


dan (16:16.718)

Yeah.


Jey (16:43.514)

I mean, I remember going through a consultation with a lawyer and we ended up arguing because I didn't want to decimate my ex-wife. I didn't want to make her a complete zero. Humiliation, ruin her life, ruin all the things for her because I didn't want to do that. He didn't understand that I just want this to be civil. I want these things in my parenting plan. I want to do...


You know, I want this much custody versus that much. And it's like, well, what else then? How are we going to destroy her? How are we going to take her down? And my aunt even experienced this back in the nineties in our state when she was divorcing her, her first husband, uh, is that the lawyer she went to, one of the first lawyers she went to, she's like, I'm getting divorced. We have kids kind of thing. It's like, all right, how are we going to take them down? How much money do you want? How much, how much are we going to take from them? And she was like,


dan (17:38.041)

Right.


Jey (17:40.682)

No, I don't I just wanted to have 50-50 and I just want to figure this out and split the assets Like I don't want to do all that and this lawyer's like I can't work with you then There's lawyer that I got into an argument with 30 years later nearly Because that was I think that maybe yeah 90s or so about 20 to 30 years later that mentality still stuck in the legal system and In the family court system where it's so pro-mob


And it's a hell of a fight for dads. And that fight is exhausting because it's constant trips to file this, file that, file this, file that, get this, get that, do this, do that. Show up for court here. Oh, it's going to be continued for three weeks because this got filed daily and we're going to claim we don't have, didn't have time to review it. Even though you had all but one day of the last two weeks to review it before this trial. So we're going to.


push it out two weeks to get everyone adequate source. More stuff gets pushed, more stuff gets added in, proposal, all these things, it's a constant back and forth. I see it a lot now, I work with youth and families in mental health, so I see it a lot go through this process. And it's so unfortunate because I've seen it firsthand working with some families, the amount of alienation that comes from this whole process.


where there's kids who are, I want to say they're probably seven and nine years old, ballpark-ish, but they're saying things like, oh well, my dad doesn't know what he's doing, or my dad's uh, he's not a good person, he's so mean to me, but they say it in a way that sounds like it came from an adult, where it didn't come from them. Yeah, go ahead.


dan (19:30.677)

Right. And that's, yeah. And that's just it. Um, you know, the alienation stuff and all the courts and the judges and everybody, they all say it's all about the kids. That's all we care about. It's about the kids, but you have the statistics when the dads are out of the home, what happens to the kids? Um, you have, you know, so much evidence showing that if there was 50 in the beginning and the,