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YDP Banger- Welcome To Fatherhood/Miscarriage Dad- KJP


Summary

In this episode, Jey and Kelly discuss various aspects of fatherhood, including the impact of race and current events, Kelly's personal journey as a father, and the experience of miscarriages. They highlight the importance of open conversations and social acceptance surrounding miscarriage, as well as the need for support and resources for fathers. The conversation also touches on the emotional toll of miscarriages and the complex feelings of grief and gratitude that come with parenting after loss. In this conversation, Kelly and Jey discuss the loss of fatherhood and the impact of miscarriage on men's mental health. They highlight the lack of support and resources for men in these situations and the consequences of neglecting mental health. They emphasize the need for better allocation of funds towards mental health and the importance of treating both men and women in these scenarios. The conversation concludes with advice for dads struggling with early pregnancy loss or in a dark place.

Takeaways

Miscarriage is a loss that affects men deeply, and their grief should be acknowledged and supported.

There is a lack of mental health support for men in the context of miscarriage and other difficult life experiences.

Neglecting mental health can lead to negative consequences, such as addiction, violence, and suicide.

More resources and funding should be allocated towards mental health, including support for men who have experienced miscarriage.

It is important for men to find a community of others who have gone through similar experiences to provide support and understanding.

Dads who have experienced miscarriage or are in a dark place should seek professional help and not minimize their own experiences.

Family and loved ones can provide grounding and support during difficult times.

Acknowledging and discussing the heavy topics surrounding miscarriage and men's mental health is crucial for raising awareness and promoting change.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

01:44 The Impact of Race and Current Events

05:12 Kelly's Fatherhood Journey

07:12 Experiencing Miscarriages

11:44 The Emotional Toll of Miscarriages

14:21 Creating the Miscarriage Dads Platform

18:48 Deciding on the Number of Children

21:12 The Importance of Open Conversations

25:05 The Stigma and Silence Around Miscarriage

29:33 The Need for Social Acceptance and Support

38:19 Processing the Loss and Gratitude

42:56 The Loss of Fatherhood

43:41 Lack of Mental Health Support

46:46 The Consequences of Neglecting Mental Health

50:17 The Need for Resources and Support

52:53 When is Enough Enough?

53:00 Acknowledging the Heavy Topic

54:14 Rooted in the Human Experience

55:45 Finding Grounding in Family

59:58 Supporting Dads in Dark Places


Transcript:

Jey (00:07.17)

Alright settle down settle down welcome into another episode of the young dad podcast. I'm Jay and joining me today is Kelly JP. How are you doing, man?

Kelly (00:17.106)

I'm doing well, brother. How you doing?

Jey (00:19.194)

I'm doing so good. I'm so happy that we finally get to connect and jump in and talk a little bit. Uh, first and foremost, I'm a fan of your show. Uh, welcome to fatherhood podcast. It's a, it's such a different, like fatherhood podcast because it's literally the journey from the beginning. And that's one of my favorite things about it. And it's just like, from the perspective, like from day one, pretty much. Uh, just what you're going through on a regular basis, challenges you're having, what you're seeing.

Kelly (00:28.11)

I appreciate that.

Kelly (00:35.797)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (00:48.806)

And it's just such a cool record for you to have like for your kids and for your babies as they grow up. And as they get older and they hear it later.

Kelly (00:54.67)

Yeah, man. Yeah, that was the point. When I first started it, it was supposed to be more of me talking about, what it's like to bring a baby home and just kind of chronicling the day to day. But then my first born came in 2020 and at the time that he came, there was just so much stuff going on in the country and race relations and stuff like that. And so,

Jey (01:13.163)

Mm-hmm.

Kelly (01:24.63)

I started talking about things that I was not prepared to talk about. So this is like real time processing of me and discovering who I am as a dad and figuring this whole thing out while also bringing a new baby home and the chaotic world and the whole nine. So it's, it's been quite a journey.

Jey (01:44.038)

Yeah, and what a time to do all that. And for the listeners that aren't on YouTube or just listening to this audio only, Kelly, if they can't put those dots together, they're pretty obvious, but you are a very handsome African American gentleman. And if the listeners didn't know about me, I'm also biracial as well. So if you didn't know, now you know.

Kelly (02:02.746)

Well, thank you.

Jey (02:12.51)

But now you also know why that whole race part was mentioned for some context. I like to give people context as they're like, well, why are these two dudes just talking about race? And then it's like, oh, that makes sense. It affects them kind of thing. So, but no, that was a crazy time. It was so nuts. Like I had, my youngest was born during 2020, November. And so going through it, raising one that was...

Kelly (02:12.676)

Yeah.

Kelly (02:25.879)

Yeah.

Kelly (02:36.463)

Okay.

Jey (02:41.994)

Like at home, she was three, two going on three during that time. And it was weird, because we had moved. We moved from Flagstaff, Arizona up to the Tri-Cities in Washington during April, 2020, because my ex-wife, my wife at the time, my now ex-wife had lost her job. And because she was a preschool teacher and it shut down. And so we moved up here. And yeah, it was just, it was weird.

Kelly (02:49.657)

Mm.

Jey (03:11.37)

I was working at Lowe's and we were wearing masks, but if we went outside, we'd have to wear masks. And then the whole race thing, like, I remember like people talking to me because like, this is a very predominantly Caucasian white area and also very strong Hispanic Latino area as well. But it's not a very strong colored area. It's a very strong LGBTQ plus community as well. So it had its...

Kelly (03:17.17)

Yeah.

Jey (03:40.85)

own unique things for when it came to those kind of riots and things like that, which was really interesting because we weren't... we never really had looting or anything like that or any of that stuff that you saw in the media, but we had our own rallies and things like that, but I don't remember ever any BIPOC, any Black Indi-Ninja-

Kelly (03:43.442)

Mm-hmm.

Kelly (03:55.312)

Yeah.

Jey (04:08.89)

indigenous people of color kind of rallies or anything like that. So it was interesting now that you mentioned that, but we could spend all day talking about that. But a little bit about you, Kelly, before we jump in, you know, I mentioned how awesome your podcast is. I'm a fan of your show. Your Instagram pages are absolute fire. The miscarriage dad page on Instagram is one for dads who have experienced early pregnancy loss, also known as miscarriage as well. But from

Kelly (04:17.294)

Yeah, yeah.

Jey (04:38.342)

his perspective, which is so important because that's not talked about, it's rarely talked about. While also Welcome to Fatherhood is a platform, a podcast highlighting the social double standards that complicate the environment for dads to be the healthiest and most capable and selfless people they can. So Kelly, tell us a little bit about yourself, a little bit more about your fatherhood journey.

your platforms and how and why they got started. Trying to mention it, but give us the story.

Kelly (05:12.206)

Yeah, yeah, I appreciate that, man. So I did not have a good relationship with my father for a variety of different reasons. Part of it was just life circumstances that my parents had to be separated so that they could look for a better way of life for us. And then somewhere along that plan, that trajectory,

Um, it just seemed like my father went on one course. And so I was brought up mostly with my mom and my two sisters. I am one of three and I'm the only, uh, male in my family and I'm sandwiching between two sisters. So growing up, I didn't have a father figure per se who was there and, um, active and present and all of those things that we strive to be as fathers now.

Jey (06:09.622)

Mm-hmm.

Kelly (06:11.634)

I was, I didn't know that then, but growing up, I've discovered that his absence was creating this sort of like encyclopedic entries in my mind as to what I wanted to be like once I became a father. So I always knew that I wanted to be a dad from a very young age and whatever that was going to look like, I was going to make it different than what my experiences were.

growing up without a dad. So when I became a father, when my wife was pregnant the first time, our first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage. So I'm kind of intertwining the story here because not intertwining, I'm kind of sharing the story that way because both platforms come out of the one single story,

right, my story. So our first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage. And the third one was our first living child who was born in 2020, like I said, at the top. So once I was at that phase of welcoming a living child, it was incredible. I was jaded because of the two prior experiences, but I wanted to...

Jey (07:12.788)

Mm-hmm. 100%.

Jey (07:32.304)

and

Kelly (07:39.258)

produce something like a manual for my son, given that the one thing that I kept hearing over and over again is that there is no manual to parenting. So I was like, what an audacious thing to try to do and just create a manual for my kiddo and pass it on to him when he becomes a father, should he decide to become a father, or even if he's interested in knowing who the heck his dad was.

Jey (07:50.449)

Mm-hmm.

Kelly (08:06.278)

from these early years of his life that he won't have clear memories about. So I want him to hear what I felt about him, what I thought about him, how glowingly I spoke about him, how annoyed I was with him, like the whole nine. I just wanted him to get a sense of all of that to help his own identity formation, because I realized that that's something that I don't have. And so I don't know what my dad ever felt or thought about me.

if he was proud of me or any of that stuff. And so I wanted to pass all of that stuff onto my son, should he get to a moment of his life where he's doubting or questioning those things. So that's how Welcome to Fatherhood was born as this audacious attempt to create a fatherhood manual for my son. But like I said, because of the context of 2020 where he was born, he was born in May, 2020, things just kind of...

went in a different direction. So, the conversations that I wanted to have were the conversations that, were not conversations that I had rather. I was forced to have different conversations that I was planning to, on having. And what turned out to be, bro, was that I started meeting people from all over the country, people from different parts of the world who were willing to just,

Jey (09:05.055)

Oh yeah.

Kelly (09:30.674)

talk to a total stranger and hop on and share their experiences and allow me to challenge some of the things that they would say and empathize and do all of that stuff. And once the journey got going, once that train got going, it was just like, yo, this is incredible. So fast forward to this year when we welcomed our second living child. So in the middle, in between

my first born and my second born, who is also my last born, my wife and I experienced another two miscarriages. So now my focus is more on the miscarriage dad's platform, which is this platform for men and fathers to openly talk about our experience of early pregnancy loss as a way to break the stigma around pregnancy altogether and to also...

normalize the fact that men and fathers do have an experience of early pregnancy loss, even if we're not the ones who are physically carrying the baby. And a lot of my experience is what my latter experience and also the former one is what just pushed me in this direction. Excuse me, because when I was looking for stuff as I was going through these things, I didn't find anything here in the States.

Everything that I found was sort of overseas. So I'm trying to do something about it.

Jey (11:02.962)

I love that man. That's so rough, man. My heart goes out to you and to your wife and you know, four miscarriages in the span of four years, five years? In the span of five years, man, that's not easy. It's not easy for anyone.

Kelly (11:14.458)

Yeah, and it's been five years.

Kelly (11:21.094)

And the crazy thing is I've come across people who have had way more in a much shorter span. So you can imagine just like, you know, what that does to both parents, but also to the individual person, right? The implications of that to the woman, the implications of that to the man. So yeah, man.

Jey (11:39.606)

Yeah.

Jey (11:44.138)

Cause I can't imagine like finding out you're pregnant four out of six times and only two of them caring. And even, you know, for me, just like the first thing I think of for that is like, how do you keep trying? Like, obviously, you know, once you get to your first one, it's a little bit more relieving. Like, okay, we got here. We kept trying. We pushed through, we persevered. We got it. We got the first one.

But even after the second two more to get to your second living, like, how did you guys just keep trying and keep pushing through that? Because that must have just been so just mentally grueling.

Kelly (12:26.31)

100% dude, and those are the type of...

Jey (12:32.35)

You gotta start your engine, I guess.

Kelly (12:32.511)

Whoa. Yeah. I didn't time that with my neighbor, so. But yeah. Hold on. I know he's gonna drive away pretty soon.

Jey (12:38.398)

That's all good.

Jey (12:49.054)

You're good. And I'll just talk then to fill it. But I can only imagine. I have been very fortunate and blessed that I, both of mine have been start to finish, I guess would be the thing, the best way I can think of it, you know, not to be insensitive towards you or anything, but you know, it's, it's crazy because I don't think that if I had one and then two miscarriages that I would even want to keep trying.

Kelly (12:52.079)

Yeah.

Jey (13:18.39)

Personally, it's like cool. I have the one I'll just focus here kind of thing so I just

Kelly (13:18.781)

Mm-hmm.

Kelly (13:23.546)

Listen, all of that is valid because that's where, that's where I ended up in that place also. After the first two, the first one was different from all the other ones because of expectations that were said and that I allowed to said. And you know, you can hear more about that story on, on the pod. I'm also releasing, if you don't mind me saying this, I'm also releasing a podcast Monday, October 2nd.

on, it's called the Miscarriage Dads podcast with a buddy of mine that I went to school with. And he was in launching the Miscarriage Dad platform that I ended up finding out that my close friend himself had experienced a miscarriage with his wife. So he opened up to me, I opened up to him and he was just like, hey, let's do this thing.

Jey (14:16.708)

minutes.

Kelly (14:21.867)

I am on board in whatever way you need. And so he, he's my cohost on this project, but

Jey (14:21.96)

I love that.

Jey (14:28.594)

I love that. I think it's just, it's so hard. Like you guys are close friends, you said, and it wasn't until recently that he was able to open up like good on him. Like that's amazing that he was able to open up. He was able to talk. He was able to come to you for support and get on board, share his story, share his perspective. Like that's amazing. Like I applaud both of you for it because it's so hard to do. But just on top of that, like you guys are close friends, like, and you,

Kelly (14:40.059)

Yeah.

Kelly (14:52.016)

Yeah.

Jey (14:56.938)

known him and talked to him countless times probably before he actually told you. You know that's part of the that's part of the problem here that's part of the stigma around it is that we think about it for the women like because yes obviously very closely associated we think about the mental toll miscarriage is going to take on a woman because they're physically growing a baby then all of a sudden it's gone but their body still is filled with their hormones and changes and whatnot.

Kelly (15:08.37)

100%

Kelly (15:24.466)

Mm-hmm.

Jey (15:26.006)

their body has to transition and they have to if people don't know it depends on the stage of the miscarriage but sometimes they have to birth that unliving child they still have to go through birth and or some kind of way to get the child out you know which is really grueling to still give birth but not to a to a child that you get to hold or whatnot i've seen

Kelly (15:45.179)