Intro: Welcome to today's Let's Talk. I'm your host, Jey. I have enjoyed the last two Let's talks that we have had. The first, if you don't recall, was about Why. Talk about purpose and find you why. The 2nd was last week- we dove into first dates, bromance v romance, and what he/she means. I had a ton of fun with that one. When creating these, I often discuss three or three critical points about the topic, and I wanted to try a new structure. Where we talk about a humor-filled topic, a purpose topic, and end with a parent/relationship topic.
Grab a juice box, grab a snack, sit down, and talk. (Duration: 2 min)
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Topic 1: Yes, you should write that down, because you will forget. (Duration: 10min )
Please take it from the guy with five concussions, and write it down. Trust me, it's no laughing matter, even though it can be.
The concussion stories are one for another time, not today.
However, how often do we forget something at the store, at work, at home, a chore, a task, or an appointment? ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Guess what if something wasn't on my list when I got to the store? The item isn't making it home. I ran into this once when making my world-famous cinnamon rolls. I had run out of yeast; I knew I was making cinnamon rolls. But it was out of the year. I asked two of my neighbors- no yeast. Cause who bakes from scratch anymore?
Okay, so what do you do? What do we do to avoid this going forward? Well, I'm only a slight expert on the topic- I'm not an expert at all. Take my advice with a grain of salt.
Step one- write it down.
Step two- write it down somewhere else, yes, seriously.
Step three- write it down somewhere else; if not, talk to someone about it.
Step four- reminders are your friend. Put it in your phone, email calendar, or work calendar, and tell Alexa. Do something like that and thank yourself later.
Step five- celebrate that you remembered, be proud of yourself, and get excited about your proactive approach to remembering.
Data, quotes, or other information
The data from Psychology today backs it up:
Jotting things down on paper is faster.
Handwritten notes tend to be more accurate and have personalized flairs.
Handwriting in a notebook triggers more robust brain activity.
Writing by hand is associated with stronger neural encoding and memory retrieval.
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Topic 2: Giving/Getting support to/from others-Kids, Family, and Friends (Duration: 10min )
There are a few people in my day-to-day life that I give support to. Myself, my kids, my family, and that's about the entire list.
There are a few people I get support from- myself, my kids, my family, and a few friends.
Giving support and getting support looks a little different. I want to share with you one way how can get/give support by asking a straightforward question to yourself or to others.
I'm sure the question you're wondering: Which one will help you best: talk about it, have a distraction, or give you space?
Flip that question on self-ask yourself- do I need to talk- do I need space- or do I need a distraction? Answer that for yourself before you go and look for support from others.
The first thing is first, find your breath. I know that sounds cliché but find your breath, please. Before you start searching for support. Slow, deep, focused breaths to be able to calm down at the moment initially to curb your reaction
If you need to talk- find someone to talk to. Think through what you want out of the conversation and ensure that it is clearly communicated to whom you're talking. If you want advice-ask, if you don't, and you just want someone to vent, say that upfront.
If you need space- take the space. Remove yourself from the person or thing that you need to. Walk away, go for a walk, play some video games, read a book, take a shower, whatever works for you, and take that space to breathe and find the clarity you need to return calm.
If you need a distraction- ask for that distraction from someone or give it to yourself. Much like taking space, however, you are intentionally just distracting your mind from what is going on. You are focusing on not thinking about it and calming down that way. Go bowling, go for a hike, build/create something, and totally take your mind to another place for the time you need.
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We're not doing one of those things where you need me to ask you questions so you can get comfortable talking about your feelings, are we? Alex laughed. "That never works. "So let's not do it." – James S.A. Corey.
Your feelings are valid. You have every right to feel whatever emotion you want. You aren't being dramatic. You aren't overexaggerating. You're feeling. And that's okay.
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Topic 3: Loneliness of co-parenting (Duration: 10min)
I remember the first night I had without my kids after my separation. I sat in my living after turning off my PS4. I just sat in the chair and took in all the quiet around me. I took it all in. I put my hands over my heart and bawled my eyes like a baby. I was mad at myself, at their mother, the situation, God, the universe, and everyone I could be mad at; I was mad at it. No reason, no justification, nothing. I was mad, I was sad, and I was so lonely. It sucked; it sucked a lot. It took me months to get used to. I had to find things to do to keep my ADD brain busy. I got into my writing and creativity, went to school, went to therapy, worked out more, and did many things for myself. I learned about myself.
I still cried; I still hurt. But I accepted that hurt. I accepted that pain and took full responsibility for it. I am in control of myself, so I took that control to better myself when I thought I couldn't. I lost 50+ pounds, grew my blog, graduated with my bachelors in about six months, and found myself again.
Don't get me wrong; it took time. It took a lot of time, but that's okay. I'm better for it.
When we, as parents, hold onto the not-so-great example of those who raised us. We often pass that on to our children without realizing it. Then our kids will carry that onto their adulthood, and we are creating a vicious cycle parents-dads, moms, HEAL. Heal your inner child so that your child isn't the consequence of that. Love yourself in ways you weren't loved and love your kids in all the ways you wish you were loved. Create a better future for them and break the cycle.
It's one of the hardest things when it's my week, and my kids say they want their mom like dude, it's our time together now like you're with dad now. Mothers are just built differently. My kids are very blessed to have two parents who love them and are capable parents for them. Their mother, despite our issues, is an excellent mother to our children. However, it still sucks when I'm spending my weeks with my kids, and my 5yo says she wants to be at her mom's for whatever reason. What do you do? I stay calm, don't get upset, and ask her why. I ask her why she feels that way. Often it's because I might not be doing something with her that I said I would. Or she needs something from me and doesn't know how to start the conversation, and that's how she knows she can get my attention, and we can have that conversation.
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A few quotes if you will
Loneliness is part of being human. It reminds us that we are not complete in ourselves- David Runcorn.
If you are feeling lonely, know that you'll always have: Books to nurture your mind, Hands to create and explore, Wind to calm your soul, Breathes to soothe your nerves, Nature to soak your worries away, and Stars to decorate your dreams- Emma Xu.
A season of loneliness and isolation is when a caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that the next time you feel alone- Mandy Hale.
Outro: Until Next Time (Duration: 2min )
I hope that you enjoyed today's Let's Talk. I hope after today you write that thing down you know you should. I hope you can give and get support when needed, and lastly, you know that you aren't alone.
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