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64: Daddying Film Festival & Forum- Allan S. Full Transcript




Jey (00:13.436)

I know, I'm so excited for this episode. Welcome into the Young Dad Podcast. So excited to be with you. I'm your host Jay and we're back with a returning guest 52 episodes later, which is mind blowing. Either I have a problem with putting out so much content in a short span and that's 52 episodes between bonus content between...

mainline episodes. It's just all the things combined 52 episodes. I'm super excited. Alan, welcome back to the show. I was looking back at my notes from last time that I had here. And I put that you're the creator of the Daddying Film Festival. You're a man who has 150 years of experience being a daddy and a granddad as well to you being a dad is more than just who you are, what you do.

Last time we spoke, we discussed the zenith of fatherhood and daddying and how they intersect. And you took us along your journey and all that you've learned about going from fathering to daddying. And we talked about how our kids just, they just want us and they want our time and our love. So Alan, that was a little bit about what we talked back in episode 42, back in August of 2023. How the heck are you? What's going on? And what's the latest and greatest?

allan (01:34.086)

Okay, so thank you very much for having me back. You're a brave guy. So really my focus since we last spoke has really been very intensely on the Daddying Film Festival and Forum. And so if it's okay with you, that's kind of what I'd love to focus on today because it's coming up and the deadline for submitting.

Jey (01:38.858)

Ha ha.

Jey (01:57.572)

most definitely.

allan (02:02.166)

films is also coming up.

Jey (02:04.844)

Yes. Yeah, of course. Tell us about what the heck the Dating Film Festival is. What's it about? What is it? Where is it? Who's it about? All the things.

allan (02:18.23)

So this is year number three for the Dadding Film Festival and Forum. In year one it was only virtual. That was in 2022.

We were really surprised in a positive way that we received films from 17 different countries in that first year. Last year we decided to add a live version which we called the Forum. So it's the Dating Film Festival and Forum. And we added two live events back to back in New Mexico.

And the original idea for the Dadding Film Festival and Forum was in addition to focusing obviously on the topic and the topic meaning the relationships kids have or wish they had with their father. But last year we also opened it up to adults submitting films as well, independent filmmakers as well as dads, father figures.

and so forth. We received films last year from 21 countries. So word is beginning to get around. We did the forum last year, the two of them, in Santa Fe and in Albuquerque. And part of the notion was to shine a spotlight on the importance of the film industry in each state. And the original idea was to move it from state to state.

We realized though that after doing it last year, how much time and energy and effort it takes to create a network in each state and how insane it is to think of moving it from state to state every year and creating a new network every year and learning the culture of a particular area. So we were invited to bring it to Pennsylvania this year. And.

allan (04:21.854)

It is our intention on May 17th to change Philadelphia from the city of brotherly love to the city of fatherly love. And we are doing a half day in Philadelphia at the main branch of the public library. Good place to have stories. So that's where it's taking place.

Jey (04:30.94)

about that.

allan (04:49.994)

on the 17th, we have begun accepting films submitted by kids. And as I said, this year and last year adults on the 1st of January. And our deadline for late submissions is March 24th. The event takes place on May 17th.

What's really unique about this particular film festival as distinct from other film festivals, A is of course the focus on the topic, which is daddying. There is no other film festival that we know of that focuses on that. And there are about 3000 film festivals that take place every year. The other thing that makes it unique is that we have no.

desire to use is our metric of success. What most film festivals use is their metric of success, which is how many films they show, over how many days, and how many different venues. What we show are the winning films submitted by kids. Last year we also showed the winning films submitted by a dad, and we will plan to do the same thing this year.

So the way it works, and another thing that of course makes it very different, is that when kids submit their films, which is up to 10 minute long videos, and some kids say to us, how am I gonna do this I don't have a fancy camera? And so I tell the kids they have a production studio in their pocket, it looks a little like this. So we have a lot of films submitted on using smartphones.

So the uniqueness of it is not only that kids are submitting films, but kids are judging the films. So we do a 20-minute Zoom or a half-hour Zoom, depending on the kids, with individual kids and teach them how to be judges. So they're not reviewers, they're judges. And the four different age breakdowns are elementary school, middle school, high school.

allan (07:08.37)

and undergraduate college. We don't do it by age, because as you and I know, it used to be you went right to college if you were going to college right after high school. Now some people wait until they're in their 20s and their 30s, so that's why we do it grade level instead. And the films come in, and the kids judge them. And they narrow it down to 10 semifinalists in each of those four age categories.

The kids do not judge the films submitted by adults. They are judged by a team of adults. And when there are ten semi-finalists, the ten semi-finalists are taken and sent to people in the entertainment field and in the education field. And they narrow it down to five finalists.

Each finalist earns $250, and then those finalists get put online May 2nd to May 9th for the public to vote. And the winner receives another $250, and not an Oscar, not an Emmy, not a Golden Globe, they receive an Atticus Award.

Atticus is named after Atticus Finch, who is agreed to be the finest portrayal of a father figure in literature based on the book To Kill a Mockingbird, or in a movie. And so they receive a statue with a mockingbird on top. And then on the 17th of May, we show the winning films.

So another thing that makes it very distinct is that after the films are shown, we break into small discussion groups between adults and kids, and we talk about the main themes that came up in the films. The whole idea for the Film Festival came about 20 years ago when I saw

allan (09:32.17)

amazing documentary which I highly recommend to everybody. It's called My Architect, A Son's Journey and it's done by Nathaniel Kahn who knew very little about his father who was a famous architect named Lewis Kahn and so he figured he'd learn about his father by studying his architecture and speaking to the people who commissioned him to make the buildings. I won't spoil

what he learned, but I highly recommend this movie because he learned stuff he could never have dreamed of or imagined about his father. So I watched this movie in 2003. It was one of the three Academy Award nominees' best documentary. And I cried through about half of the movie and I wondered why it nailed me like that.

And that was easy for me to figure out. But I also thought to myself as I was watching that movie, gee, I wish my dad had been sitting next to me watching the movie. Unfortunately, he had passed away the year before, so he wasn't going to be able to be there. But the reason I wanted him to be there is because we could have discussed some of the issues that came up in the movie.

that would have been very difficult to bring up spontaneously. And so that was where the idea of using film as a way of getting into issues that were important to discuss between fathers and their kids.

Okay, so that's kind of it. If the festival is successful as we expect it to be this year in Philadelphia, we will leave it in Philadelphia. I happen to live in Maryland and it's about a two and a half hour car ride, which is a lot easier than flying to Albuquerque.

Jey (11:31.161)

Love that.

Jey (11:38.772)

Very true, very true. Philly is more exciting too. I mean, cheesesteaks and love and the history and all the historical sites and all the touristy things. It's all just, it's a ton of fun. Philly is super fun. It's a fun city. And it's such a unique film festival. Like you mentioned, there's 3,000 film festivals. This is one of 3,000.

that focus on fatherhood and daddying and being a dad. I think it's really cool that children and dads can both submit. And I told you last time we recorded that I was gonna submit something for this year's film festival. I'm still working on it. Still working on it. It's in works. Actually, I have a really cool idea for both the kid video and the dad video.

But I think this is so important for dads. Because films convey, and it's always so cheesy whenever I see it. Whenever I go to the theaters, you see that one commercial, like, where movies come to life. And to feel the things and feel this and all that. That one, you know which one I'm talking about?

But like AMC is that one with the lady and she's in a theater by herself. And, but I mean, that's what films can do. You know, they can invoke those deep emotional reactions. They can invoke those feelings. They can invoke those thoughts and they are definitely a bridge to conversations. You know, I use it all the time in my own work as a mental health professional, working with kids, you know, I reference the movie Inside Out all the time. Um,

or elemental or these other like animated films that help convey emotion in some way, shape or form for the kids to be like, oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense. Like I feel like the red dude or I feel like the blue or I feel like that when I'm doing this kind of thing. So it all, it wraps it back together and it brings it back together. And it makes it easier to have some of those conversations because some conversations being a dad can be really hard.

Jey (13:50.54)

You know, trying to, I mean, the topics here, you know, the theme for the dads, um, a letter to my father or a letter to my children, the most joyful, fun thing I ever did with my father and or children. If I can make one wish come true for my dad or children, it would be my daddy dream or men caring. Um, you know, those are. So the topics we don't really. Well, I mean, I guess I talk about them plenty, but they're not, they're not mainstream. They're not mainstream thoughts.

You know, it's like, okay, well, my children know what I want them to accomplish. My children know what they want, want them to accomplish. But what, and it makes you reflect, okay, what do I actually want my children to accomplish or what do I wish my dad would have done for me kind of thing? What do I want that letter to say? How do I op-ed that to him and present that in a vulnerable manner to, for him to know.

Coming up episode 100, I'm actually going to have my dad on, so I'm really excited for that. But it gave me like a whole different like perspective. Like being able to understand like my story, but like through his eyes. Like from his point of view, like how he, the life he lived versus what I was told and how I was raised. So my lens and being able to work through that bias together.

and just being able to laugh and talk and things like that. I'm sure there's so many, you know, men out there who will listen to that and be like, hey, I should call my dad. I should just talk to my dad about these things kind of thing. And that's the hope and the desire. But you know, we also the joyful fun thing I ever did with my dad or my children. It's so easy to get caught up, to get lost, to get distracted, to lose perspective of like, you know, your own childhood.

when you're raising kids and the fun things that you did. And then you can also get lost the things that you're doing with your kids that are joyful or meaningful or impactful. You can do those things on a daily basis. They're not just a one stop shop all the time. You know, the wish making a wish come true for my dad or my children. We all as dads have things we want to. We all want and desire for our kids. You know, I think that's the theme that I'm going to go with personally.

Jey (16:12.097)

um that one wish for my children it would be and then we'll go down a couple paths there um and work on that so I'm really excited for that but you know my daddy dream what is our dreams as dad? um what do we want? I think that's great for really young fathers, fathers who are expecting, fathers who are in that zero to three phase like what do I want out of this life? What do you want out of this life as a dad?

Like how are you going to own it? How are you going to create a positive relationship and a positive image with your child? Or how are you gonna heal your relationship with your own dad? You know, so that you can do that. Or maybe you're fatherless. Maybe you've gone from fatherless to fatherhood. Kind of thing. And I just think that lastly, the men carrying one here. You know, it's so important for the dads who are just the primary caregivers to have that platform to talk about it.

foster dads, adoptive dads, grand dads, other siblings, coaches, mentors, philanthropists, patrons, celebrities, big brothers, or other like male caregiving roles. There's a lot that one person can do for kids and make an impact around them in like a fatherly role or just a positive male role model. It's so important because there are so many kids, I guarantee there's a lot of kids in Philadelphia that are fatherless.

I guarantee it, I have no doubts about that whatsoever.

allan (17:40.406)

So I make a distinction. I don't think there's any child who is fatherless. I think there are children who are daddyless. But just from what I know about biology, there ain't no kid who's fatherless. Every kid has a father, but not every kid has a daddy. And just reminiscent of the last time we spoke.

Jey (17:49.37)

Yes.

Jey (17:56.449)

Makes sense.

Jey (18:01.271)

Mm-hmm.

allan (18:07.802)

I make a distinction between daddying and fathering. So fathering is a one-time biological act requiring zero commitment, just a shot of DNA. Daddying is what happens when fatherhood and nurturing intersect, and that's a lifelong process. And there were a couple of things that you said that I think are worth highlighting, shining a spotlight on. One is to use the word vulnerable.

Jey (18:20.016)

Mm-hmm.

allan (18:37.086)

That's one of the things I've been thinking a lot about is most, many men, probably most, have what I would call a shield of vulnerability. So they don't want to admit they're vulnerable because that ain't masculine for a lot of guys. So that's another one of the things we hope this gets to. And another thing.

you mentioned Jay is that I do a series of workshops with fathers and initially and they're still called becoming the dad you want to be that's what the overall topic is and I used to begin those workshops by saying to dads you know if you want to become the dad you want to be you need to decide who is that dad you want to be

So who is that dad you wanna be? And I found that asking that question was overwhelming. How the hell do you answer that question? Who is the dad I wanna be? But if instead I changed it to, how do you want your child to describe you as a father five years from now? That's still difficult, but it's manageable.

and you can get a handle on that and you can answer that if you think about it. So it is that every dad or almost every dad can be the dad he wants to be. And it's really important you mentioned it and it's worth again highlighting. So it's not just fathers, it's fathers and father figures.

So maybe a grandfather, maybe a brother, maybe an uncle, maybe a minister, maybe a coach, maybe a teacher. You know, we do a weekly blog, and one of the ones that, including guest blogs, so any of the listeners who want to go on our website, the DadVocacy Consulting Group, and find where it says what the blog.

allan (20:53.694)

requirements are, we'd love to have you submit a guest blog. And Jay, you and I talked just before the recording, we'd love to have you submit a guest blog also. But one of the blogs that I wrote fairly recently was about my fifth grade teacher. I'm an educator by background, so I was thinking about my fifth grade teacher who was the single most important role model.

for me in my life, more important than my own dad. And a lot of people said, really, Alan, more important than your father? Yes, more important than my father was. And what's amazing about that is that I've recently, or his, that fifth grade teacher's son and grandson have recently been in touch with me. And the grandson,

is a film student at a film academy in Naples, Italy. And he has invited us to bring the film festival to Naples, Italy. So it won't be instead of Philadelphia next year. And this year it will be an edition. But it just, yeah, it just really proves that this topic is universal in its interest.

Jey (22:14.341)

That's incredible.

Jey (22:24.448)

100% and you know being a dad and daddying is universal. It's not just a one-stop shop. Like I've talked to plenty of guests from Australia. I've talked to guests from Britain. I've talked to guests from, I have some coming up from Germany and Scotland and the Baltics area. I've talked to men and dads all over the United States. I've talked to dads in Canada. Haven't really gone south yet because I don't speak Spanish, but.

Maybe someday I'll get on Duolingo, not a sponsor, or Babbel or something, and they can support me in learning Spanish so I can have a Spanish conversation on the podcast. I think that'd be really cool. But no, being a dad is universal. It's not just a America thing. It's not just a other continent, insert continent name here thing. It's an everywhere thing. We all are doing the same thing, just we're just doing a little bit differently really.

But really when it boils down, we're really not doing it that much differently overall. We're just speaking different languages. We're using different phrases. We're using different acronyms or, you know, culture plays a certain part in it. But really, we're all trying to do the same thing. We're just trying to raise healthy, productive, good members of society. We're trying to just raise good kids. We're trying to raise kids who are better than...

us. We're trying to put a positive spin on the next generation with our kids to influence them, to do good, to be a force for good, to be kind, to be loving, to be accepting, to be all the things that maybe we weren't encouraged to be, or maybe we aren't, you know, but we change in these ways to set that example and to model that behavior for them so that they can become those things, because we want better for our kids than we have for ourselves.

We want them to be better. We want them to be more productive. We want them to be just better overall. And it's a universal thing. We're all doing the same thing, just a little bit differently, really.

allan (24:25.09)

So, you know, Jay, when I talked about the workshops, so the workshops have been done in a penitentiary, in Head Start centers, in schools, in corporations. One of the most into Native American Pueblos and just all over the place. And with veterans groups, we have a special program for veterans.

One of the more interesting ones was done at the World Bank. And when the dads came into the meeting around a conference table at their lunchtime, I asked them why they were there. Because nobody is required to do this. So there were about eight guys.

and I said, why are you here? And we went around the table, and the man on my immediate left was from France, and he said, I'm here because I had the worst dad imaginable, and I'm terrified I'm gonna turn out just like him.

And by the time we went around the table on my immediate right was an Italian gentleman, dad. And he said, I'm here because I had the best dad imaginable, and I don't think I'll ever measure up.

And so really my response to that is as far as I know, there isn't a daddying gene. So you are not born to either be a really good dad or a not so good dad. And that's why we call it becoming the dad you want to be. So you really do have the ability to figure that out for yourself. It doesn't mean it's always easy. There are often roadblocks.

allan (26:17.572)

often hurdles. Dading does not occur in a solitary way. It occurs within an ecology of the family, of a social context which occurs within a broader culture. So it's complicated, as you know and as I know, but it is possible.

Jey (26:44.028)

100% and no one's predispositioned to be a good or bad dad. But there are factors at play. Just biologically, you know, there's factors at play that you get certain genetics from your parents and maybe those are mental health related. Maybe those are health related, but it really takes the dad and you as a dad to own those things, you know, and not let those define who you are. They can impact you.

negatively or you can choose to have them impact you positively. Like let's say you just inherited an ADHD gene and you're quick trigger and you lack impulse control or anything like that. Right. And so your dad was always like quick trigger, you know, very in your face, all over the place, unorganized. Things were chaotic. You know, you can turn that into something really great by pushing yourself to.

develop that those traits into the opposite or something positive like Maybe you just have so much energy that you get to be more engaged with your kids Or you get to do these things at a higher level with your kids than the normal dad You got to shift your perspective or maybe you have a mood disorder. So that's going to force you to You know go and talk to someone get medicated for it Possibly if that's your choice and to be able to work through those things so that you're not repeating those patterns You have to make the changes

that your dad didn't make or didn't know how to make, that you now know how to make so that it's better for the next generation. Like, yes, it sucks that maybe your dad was awful or maybe your daddy wasn't there for you or anything like that. Maybe that's the case, but now you have the chance to write that ship for your kid to set the example, to set the precedent for generations to come to where they're like,

Your kids have kids, their kids have kids. Oh, our great, great grandfather, he was so cool. He was the best. He was involved, you know, he ride with the ship. He didn't have a dad, but he taught me and set all these great examples for me. Your grandkids start to learn that. You know, oh, grandpa's the best, he's always there. He's always supporting us, like he's always the best. So on and so forth down the line, and it'll ripple for generations because they'll have that example set by you because you broke the change. You broke the cycle.

Jey (29:08.568)

And it's all about breaking the cycle. You have to figure out the way to break the cycle, whether that's learning how to work through a genetic disposition, whether that's getting medicated for something, whether that's going to therapy, whether that's working through an addiction or a vice or whatever predisposition that looks like for you. Well, you have to be committed to work through it because you're not working through it just for you. You're working through it for generations to come because that's gonna linger. I don't want to be the one dad.

on the line that caused more cycles. I don't wanna be the person in the family that caused the cycles to continue, to repeat, to continue. I don't wanna be that dad. I wanna be the dad that broke the cycles, that created health for the future generations. Like that's what I want to be when it's all said and done. I wanna know that I broke the chains, I broke the cycles, I broke all the things and now my daughters and whatever other kids I have in the future.

are set up for way more success than I am right now.

allan (30:13.994)

So it's interesting, you may remember that most of what I'm doing is based on research that I've done over 30 years. And the research is qualitative research.

not quantitative research although the quantity is pretty major. So I've interviewed, I did 28 focus groups with children in three different countries because if you think of daddying as a product and you want to improve a product, what you do is you talk to the consumers and the consumers of daddying are children. So I did 28 focus groups in three countries with kids as young as five and as old as 21.

And then I started interviewing dads, and I've now interviewed 205 dads, one on one, from 20 different countries, ages 16 to 104. Every ethnic group, every religious group, every socioeconomic group. And one of the dads that I interviewed discussed his incredibly difficult family life as a child.

but also described his wonderful family life now as a father. And I said to him, how did you turn it around? And he said, one day I just woke up and said, this craziness ends with me.

allan (31:48.554)

I was going to say it's that simple. There was nothing simple about that. But I think it's a really important thing. And when we did the program in the penitentiary of New Mexico, and 85% of men in prison came, come from homes that did not have a father present. And so when we talked to the guy who was the guys who were in the program.

who is the dad you want to be. Mainly they came to it by who's the dad they didn't want to be. But we did talk about being able to break the cycle. And Amy, you see, I mean, we've been in penitentiaries where both the father and his son are

both in the same prison. So this happens too. That's particularly horrendous to know that and to see it, but you can break the cycle. So we added a category this year in the film festival. It's called Men Caring.

and you referred to it in what you were saying. So one of the films that has come in, which would definitely fit in that category, is about an adult son taking care of his much older father, as he is sort of fading.

And so it's being able to look at other ways that men care. And that particular category is sponsored by an extraordinary organization called Equimundo. And Equimundo works in 65 countries with a hundred different partners.

allan (33:40.886)

And so it's all about gender equity, but it's also about masculinities and how do you describe different kind of masculinities. So I hope any number of your listeners are moved to Cement Films. The website is dadd

allan (34:08.37)

and all of the details are on there, including how you submit. Yeah, thanks. So it's right there. And that's the award kids get. And that's the mockingbird and the baby mockingbird mounted on a pedestal.

allan (34:33.122)

So that explains it all. Thank you for putting that out there, Jay.

Jey (34:37.116)

100% I also wanted to put this up there as well you reference this as well for the listener to look at as well if they're watching on YouTube or if they're watching the video version of this podcast on Spotify you can also find it here as well for those guest entries of the blog and then the Dating Field Festival and Forum.

It's just, it's super cool. It's so unique. It's such a good place. It's such a great space. Alan, take us through, I kind of mentioned it, but I want to go through it again to see how I've grown in this aspect, but take us through the zenith of daddying meets fatherhood. And take us through that a little bit, because that's one of my favorite things we talked about last time, and I want to hit it again.

allan (35:30.102)

Thank you. So the zenith, the apex of daddying is when nurturing your children is nourishing to you. So as I mentioned, you know, I've been writing stuff and speaking about this now for 30 years, which is when I came up with the term subtly on my cap. And by the way,

The reason the cap is pink is because when I came up with the term daddicacy, which happened to be in a flight while I was on a flight from Albuquerque to Baltimore, and I, that word just came to me, daddicacy came to me. And I was sitting next to a young woman on the plane who happened to be reading a book on gender issues. And I...

turn, I said, is it okay? You know, I've noticed what you're reading. Is it okay if I ask you to react to a word that I just came up with? And she said yes. And I said the word is advocacy. What comes to your mind? And without more than a few seconds hesitation, she said it must be against women.

and I looked at her and I said, I can't tell you how disappointed I am that that's what your initial response was. Why, if you are for something, in your mind are you automatically against what in your mind is the opposite? And so the reason it's pink is because what you and I know, and anybody really thinks about it, is when a dad is positively involved in the lives of his children.

All measures of social wellbeing go up and everything goes up in the family as well. So it's actually supportive of mommies and so forth. So the zenith is when, you know, for me, I had a father who I knew loved me, but I also had a father who wasn't there very much. He was on the road 250 days a year for 25 years doing the math.

allan (37:53.034)

no matter how weak we are in math, he chose that he wasn't around very much. And when he was around, he wasn't really around very much. So he was somewhere else in his head. And I determined that was not the dad that I was gonna be, knowing at a very early age I wanted to be a dad. So being present is so important.

Somebody asked me in those 30 years, Alan, did you, do you feel you made any contribution to the field of fatherhood? And I don't think that way, but I felt it was an OK question to ask me. And so my answer was yes, I think I have. And the contribution is, which is really an answer to your question, which is everybody knows how much research exists.

And that's out there that proves what I mentioned about when a father is positively involved in the lives of his children, all measures of social well-being go up. The opposite, of course, is also true. But very few people had written about what's in it for dads. So when a dad is positively involved in the lives of his children, most measures of social well-being go up for the dad as well.

And so being the dad you want to be can be nourishing to you as well as nourishing your children. And I have learned that. I'm the dad of three adult daughters and five, many of whom are actually adults as well, grandchildren. So my grandchildren are 17 to 26.

And so being with them and seeing that and you know there's a reason that they call it grandchild. So it's a lot easier to be a grandparent than it was to be a parent.

Jey (40:05.328)

that I love that and that you explained it so well you know it's so important to do all the things and to be all the things and to make those conscious and intentional decisions along the way for who you want to be you know daddying is important it's important to be a dad you know you overall as a human are better off being a present and involved dad like there's nothing cooler there's nothing cooler than being a present and involved dad there's nothing better there's nothing better

You know, it's disappointing when I meet or hear about fathers who don't want to be involved, who are having a hard time being involved, who don't want to be involved. That is defeating. You know, of course, I will respect, you know, everyone's decision for who they are and for what they are because I'm just a respectful person. Do I agree with the decision? That's another conversation. But, you know, basic human respect goes a long way.

at least for me in my eyes, but it's so cool to be a dad. It's cool to be an involved dad. It's cool to be a present dad. It's cool to be an engaged dad, to be engaging with your kids. And I think the Dadding Film Festival Forum is a great excuse to engage with your kids, to make a video. It can be silly, random. It gives you a chance to create something together, to do something together, to spend time creating, editing.

adding features and getting just crazy, silly creative with it, you know, and it's just it's a great excuse. It's a great excuse if you if you needed one to do something creative with your kids, do something different, shake it up a little bit. Because who knows if your 11 year old that you make a video with turns out to just be naturally great at editing and putting these things together and putting these concepts or acting or not acting or just

being in front of a camera, they're just natural. Who knows you didn't just unlock a new talent for your kid, a new direction, a new life path that they wouldn't have discovered otherwise because of you and being involved with them and being intentional and making a video with them and submitting a short form film. So important. There's so many things that can come out of it that I just, there's so many reasons to not, but there's more reasons always to do.

allan (42:29.258)

So, you know, you may be aware there's a fairly recent film by Steven Spielberg, which is very autobiographical, and it's really about how he became a filmmaker. So it supports exactly what you said, the encouragement he got as a little boy when somebody gave him a camera. And it's, I recommend that movie. I forget the name of it, but...

It's the name of a family. It's not the Spielbergs, but it's the something. But, you know, I can't exactly remember what it is. But so yes, you're right. So you never know at what point these kids who are making a video either with their dad or without their dad or just the support of their dad or father figure, you know, we'll get the bug and we'll be the next Steven Spielberg.

Jey (43:25.368)

True. And the movie you're referencing is called The Fable Men's. Fable Men's. And then what was that movie you mentioned earlier that you watched about 20 years ago that inspired everything?

allan (43:29.482)

The fabled ones. Okay, great.

allan (43:37.402)

It's My Architect, A Son's Journey. It's by Nathaniel Kahn.

Jey (43:49.208)

Lovely. All right. Well, there was something else. Oh, so I just wanted to, before we jump into the YDP3, I wanted to go over the D3F 2024 calendar for everybody. I'm going to put it up here, and then I'll go over it, just so everybody knows what the calendar looks like, so they can physically see it, and then maybe screenshot it if they want to, whatever it looks like. So a call for entry started on the first of the year. Early bird deadline has passed, February 5th.

All student and adult submissions are due March 4th. The extended submissions deadline is March 25th. Acceptance notifications, April 22nd. D3F Festival, virtual May 2nd through 9th. Atticus Awards Ceremony, virtual May 11th. And then the Daddying Film Forum is gonna be May 17th in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. So that's just a calendar. Again, this is the website, dadd And you can do everything on here, correct? You can submit films.

Um get free virtual tickets, correct? Like there's a submit there's a way to submit on here

Jey (44:59.455)

Okay. And yeah, anything that we missed about the Dating Film Festival, Alan.

allan (45:04.429)

That's it.

The only other thing I guess is to let people know that we have archived on that website almost all of the films that won in the first two years. So if you're kind of stuck or you're feeling like this is intimidating, how am I gonna do a film? You look at that, I think you'll feel a lot more likely to submit that one on the left there, Sleepwalking, which won at the elementary category.

last year was done by a five-year-old and an eight-year-old where they busted their dad about, is there really a Santa Claus?

Jey (45:44.224)

Very cool.

allan (45:44.486)

Obviously they had some help from their dad too. It was submitted by an Iranian family in Sweden. And I highly recommend also that last one there on the right at the bottom, Dancing Dads. That was a film submitted by a dad in California. And it's a film about fathers who support their daughters in a dance program.

by spending six weeks learning a dance routine and performing it at an exhibition which people have to pay for. And so it takes the dad six weeks to learn the routine. And when they're finished learning it, they call their daughter in, their daughters in, and the daughters learn in 12 minutes what it took them six weeks to learn. So that alone, plus how awesome it is for dads

to show their vulnerability, which we talked about earlier, which is really, really important. But most important is what it meant to the dads and to their daughters for them to actually do this.

Jey (46:58.296)

That's really cool. Yeah, that's awesome.

allan (47:02.594)

Yeah, so, you know, we're encouraging, encouraging music videos. We're also encouraging comedy because a lot of what's coming in is pretty heavy. We have a couple of films already submitted by dads that are about their sons and or daughters suicides.

That's mighty heavy stuff to be looking at. So we're definitely encouraging films that make you smile. Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah. So.

Jey (47:34.352)

Some palate cleansers. Some palate cleansers. Yeah.

Definitely. Well, unless you open to the YDP three here to end us and, uh, you know, just call to action for everyone to go and check this out. Think about it. You have a couple more weeks. Uh, you have about two, three weeks, uh, between two and three weeks between this comes out. This comes today is this coming out is, uh, February 18th on YouTube and February 19th on everywhere else. You get your podcast. So you have a roughly two, three weeks to get something submitted and put together and

allan (47:43.403)

So what?

Jey (48:11.848)

It doesn't have to be fancy. It doesn't have to be crazy edits. It doesn't have to be perfect, beautiful quality. It just has to be you would I would say meaningful impactful or meet the categories or just fun, silly off the wall. Um, if you're a funny family, just be yourself then be yourself. You guys are just, if your kids is naturally hilarious, just let them be them. Let them do their own standup routine kind of thing. Or if they have a plate kitchen, let them.

Cook you a meal in the kitchen and demonstrate that kind of thing if that's where they're at and You know be the grumpy customer and make them keep going back and forth back and forth back and forth kind of thing um There's there's so many different directions, you know, I probably just gave out a couple ideas. Um Just have fun with it Just have so much fun with it because that's what it's meant to be being a dad is fun Being a dad is fun getting to engage with your kids is fun getting to make a video is fun It doesn't have to be heavy

It's very easy for us men to go heavy, to go hardcore, to go deep, personal. Uh, but just have fun. Have fun with, with what you got, you know, make it work. Set up a, set up a camera on a water bottle if you have to, to record. You know, set up your phone on a water bottle to capture your picture. If you have to, um, tape your headphones or your wireless headphones to your kid's shirt, so it picks up their audio. Uh, you know, do what you have to do.

Have fun with it, enjoy it, and just have fun. That's really my biggest message here, is just have fun with it. Don't take it too serious. Stop taking yourself so seriously as a dad. Have fun, enjoy, laugh, enjoy the process. Get lost in this process with your kid. Because I promise you, it'll be so much fun.

allan (49:53.734)

You could even tell a series of dad jokes. If you want, and I should ask you this, this one, Jay. What did the guy say when he walked into a bar?

Jey (50:07.825)

I don't know.

allan (50:09.425)

Ouch.

Jey (50:12.79)

Oh

allan (50:15.707)

That's the perfect dad job, right? And then I told that to a friend the other day and he said to me, so Alan, what did the dyslexic dad say when he walked? He said when he walked into a bra.

allan (50:33.314)

Yeah, so, you know, anyway, you could tell a series of terrible dad jokes. And by the way, one of the recent films that was submitted by a high school kid was called Dad's Kitchen. And it was actually about cooking, uh, with his dad. So yeah, take, take whatever works for you and do it.

the, the dead late deadline is March 25th. So actually I have a whole month, more than a whole month. So, you know, go for it. We'd love it. Yeah. We'd love to see your film and how cool would it be if it got shown in Philly?

Jey (51:06.5)

Do it. Just do it. Just do the thing.

Jey (51:15.884)

Yeah, you just never know. You never know.

allan (51:18.346)

You know, it's the one of the reasons we are happy to do it in Philly. It's where the convention was signed by our country of our country and 267 years ago. So our poster for it, I think it's the first thing that comes up on the website.

is actually spend some time looking at it and if you don't smile when you see it there's a little something wrong with you but um so we decided to do portraits of the founding fathers and call them founding daddies instead of founding fathers and they're all wearing their babies.

allan (52:10.764)

And when you look at this...

Thank you. And it says, you know, you see Ben Franklin there, George Washington, John Adams, and you can go to the QR code too. It'll give you all the details you wanna know. But clearly none of those guys ever look like that. You probably never saw any of them smiling. So you see them all smiling with their kids. So they are the founding daddies. And that's why we're really happy to be going back to Philly

festival there.

Jey (52:45.44)

That's awesome. That's so cool. Alright, I'm not going to make you do the whole YDP3 here. I just want to ask you the last one here. Actually, did we do the YDP3 last time you were on? I don't remember. I don't know if it was a thing yet.

allan (52:59.283)

I don't remember.

I don't remember either.

Jey (53:04.644)

Alright, let's just jump into it. We'll make it. If we go over a little bit, that's fine. For you, Alan, when you're... What? I guess, sorry, I've gotten these confused lately. Where are you rooted? Like, what makes up the innermost workings of who you are? Like, where do your roots run?

allan (53:25.782)

So I think I referred to it a little bit earlier, which is that my father I knew would always be there in a pinch. I needed more than a pinch. And so that, I guess I would say that is one thing that is the root. And another thing that is the root is that fifth grade teacher I responded, I mentioned earlier, who

was my most important role model of the kind of person, but also dad. His name was Joe Papaleo and we called him Pappy. And I think it was more than a coincidence that that's what we called him. And then the other route is thinking about all of the men who in my life I felt were important role models.

And when I was the school principal back a number of years ago in New York City, of an elementary school, pre-kindergarten to sixth grade, the pre-kindergarten students came into my office, one class at a time, to ask me what my job was as the school principal. And of course, you know, they're four years old and I'm thinking they have no frigging clue, you know, what a principal does.

So I said to them, I'm happy to tell you what I do, but I'm really curious what you think I do. And Billy, sitting on the floor, a four-year-old boy, was sitting on the floor in a circle, and he's rubbing his chin like he's a wizened old man. And he says, I think the daddy, the principal is like the daddy of the school. And I told him that was the best definition of my job I ever had.

It also explained why I was exhausted at the end of every day with 515 kids. So I think that that's kind of the roots of all of it is where it came from for me. And knowing, always early on, I wasn't always able to articulate it. But going back to your question about the apex of daddying.

allan (55:50.442)

is that it was always rewarding for me. It didn't mean there weren't moments where it wasn't so rewarding, but most of the time it was really rewarding.

Jey (56:01.545)

I love that. And what, next question, what grounds you? Like when you're feeling kind of out of whack, out of sync, all over the place, stressed, what kind of helps bring you back?

allan (56:14.606)

Um, so we created a program, as I mentioned earlier, that works with veterans. And the name of the program is Armored Down, Daddy Up. And I created the program with a veteran who's at my age and he had a program called the Armored Down. He is a veteran with PTSD. And he told me that he started this program for veterans with PTSD.

to help them armor down. And I asked him how he did it and he said, mainly through mindfulness, meditation, yoga, exercise. And when we first talked, I said, you know, Ben, that's great, but all you're doing is having the veterans armor down. You're not giving them anything to lift them up. And he was a dad of

only three months at that point. When I asked him if he had a kid, his demeanor, his affect changed from being a depressive sort of presentation to a broad smile on his face. And so that's why we call the program Armored Dam Daddy Up. And we do it for veterans and their kids together. So to answer your question, I have learned through them.

the importance of mindfulness, slowing down, meditation, which I told him at first seemed all woo-woo to me. And this isn't really gonna work, but it really does. So I guess that's what grounds me. One minute. One second.

Jey (58:01.916)

I love that. And last thing here, let's say that we meet at a restaurant or something, and I see you from across the restaurant, let's say you're with your kids or your grandkids, you guys are having a good meal, or you're just having a good conversation and you just look happy and joyful, right? I'm in the same restaurant and I'm kind of doing the thing over and over where I'm like this, the eyes, all the things, right? All the things that tell you I'm not here, I'm down. I'm...

I'm depressed, I'm low. I look up, you look up, we make eye contact. I walk over to you, we don't know each other. And I just sit down next to you and I'm like, hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, but you look so happy. You look like you got something going on here. I'm sorry to interrupt again. But what are you doing that's different? Why, what's fueling your happiness? So in that moment, you get to give me one piece to one and a half pieces of advice to try to start to bring me out of that place where I'm at.

allan (59:01.506)

So maybe the best way to answer that would be an actual example that I had recently with one of my granddaughters. She happens to be 24 years old and she's a special ed teacher in California. And she often calls me when she has an issue, when she has a problem.

And so she begins a phone call with that. So we have a new routine. And the new routine is, I'm not gonna listen to any of that until you tell me one thing that makes you flourishing. One thing, and it doesn't need to be a big thing. You know, just one thing. Is it a beautiful sunrise this morning?

You know, what is one thing that has you flourishing? And so it's a matter of interrupting that kind of negative, you know, where you cascade into all the negativity. So is there one thing that you can think of, you know, that's kind of positive in your life? And I find that just interrupting, you know, that sort of negative trajectory is really helpful for people.

allan (01:00:25.418)

You're a mute.

Jey (01:00:27.3)

I was trying to get that off really quick and I couldn't get it off fast enough. No, I love all that. It's so important to keep that mindset, keep that perspective because there's so much positive, there's so much good out there. That's super important. And yeah, I just want to give one last message to today's host or sponsor of the podcast, the June app.

You drive positive behavior change with June. Is your child struggling with behavior, habits, or routines while at school or at home? Well, June might be worth a look. This new revolutionary app combines a video game that kids love with important tasks and habits that you want them to practice daily. Give the app a try for free and use my code YNGDAD to earn 25% off. See why over 500,000 families and 1,000 therapists are recommending June.

J O N and visit J O N A P dot I O backslash young dads to learn more. So Alan, thank you for your time. Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for doing what you're doing with this, the D three F and, uh, just everything that you do for dads in the community and the awareness and the posts, the blog, all the things. It's so amazing. It's such great resources, the programs you created, the places you've been, the wisdom you have.

Hopefully enough of us podcast hosts have been able to capture all of it or it's captured somewhere so that it can live on for a long, long time because everything you're doing is going to live on for a long, long time.

allan (01:02:02.498)

Thank you so much, Jay. You just made my day. Thank you. And thank you so much for what you do. It's really, really important.

Jey (01:02:05.797)

No.

Kindness is free.

Jey (01:02:16.444)

Thank you.


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